(Closed) FI just told me my weight is causing is low sex drive :(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 48
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

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@UKbee:  Do you think he had proposed to you because you had lost the weight? Would he propose now given your current weight?

I would be concerned. Weight is a difficult thing to control sometimes and especially in your case. There is no guarantee that you will always maintain the weight loss. Right now, it’s important to guarantee that he will always be there and love you completely. I just don’t think its as unconditional as u and I would both like to think

 

Post # 49
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@MariContrary:  My idea of a healthy relationship is not possibly triggering someone into relapsing from an eating disorder. You obviously don’t know much about eating disorders or empathy. Have a great day.  

 

Post # 50
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope you are stronger than that and will still do it for you, not him.

It was a pretty shitty thing for him to say. 

Post # 51
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

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@HisBride515:  He’s aready aware that he screwed things up. No matter what people on the thread may say, he’s aware he was wrong in his handling of the situation, and has apologized for it. 

 

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@UKbee:  You’re going to have to figure out what weight you can maintain comfortably within your lifestyle. You shouldn’t feel like you should spend the rest of your life trapped in a meal plan and activity routine to please somebody else. It sounds like your weight fluctuates a lot, and that you go through a lot of hyper focus on it, and complete relapses of interest on it. Once you figure out the weight that your lifestyle fits within, he’s going to have to either accept it and love it, or you’re going to have to move on (sounds harsh. But honestly, I have limited tolerance for people who take issue with the physical appearance of their life partners. What’s he going to do when your face gets wrinkly, your skin goes translucent, and your tits go south? Love you and your breasts that can function as knee pads, or lose interest in you for the sake of younger perkier women? Bleh.)

I’m truly sorry you’re having to go through this. It was a shitty thing for him to say, and honestly, a bad question to have posed in the first place. I do hope the two of you can work through this.

Post # 52
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I know someone that had a similar situation. She was a bigger girl, but he was a big boy. He was always talking about her weight. Asking when she worked out, what she was eatting, critisizing her meals, sending links to her facebook of diet pills and stuff. Obviously nothing like what your Fiance is doing! She barely ate and was always upset over it, and he just never got it. He didnt know how to be encouraging without being abusive about it. I guess not so much like your situation, but i have a point lol. Men dont understand that women are extremely sensitive about their bodys and comments like that can really screw with us. As someone who battled an eatting disorder and goes to the gym you are doing great! Good for you!! Your concern needs to be about your health, and maybe you should explain to him the right way to be encouraging.  I know that sometimes when people are stressed about everything they try to pin it on one thing, and usually it is something someone else is doing or not doing. Maybe he needs to go to the gym with you and work out some of that stress!! I wouldnt take his words too much to heart. Just keep working out and making sure you are happy with your weight, because if you are confident in your body noone can make you feel bad!! Btw, you look amazing!! He obviously needs glasses!!! 

Post # 53
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It sounds like he truly did not mean what he said, and that he is very sorry. (Edit: I really think your weight had nothing to do with his lack of interest, and that he was worried about something else)  He seems to be legitimately stressed out by work and money- which is absolutely not a valid excuse to say hurtful stuff, but I think we’ve all said stupid things when stressed.  Lots of Bees here (including myself) get stressed out while wedding planning and go a little bit crazy.  

OP was the first to mention weight, not Fiance, and I don’t think he would have mentioned it otherwise.  Also, OP felt rejected when Fiance didn’t want to be intimate (totally normal), but we have to wonder what Fiance felt (guilty? inadequate?), and if he just said something to cover up his emotions.  Again, not excusable, but it doesn’t mean Fiance is a horrible monster. 

One more edit: Being rejected sexually does a number on our self-esteem, but I think young men feel a lot of social pressure to always be interested, and sometimes think  there is something wrong or unmanly with themselves for not wanting sex. 

Post # 54
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

@UKbee:  Sorry, I skimmed your post.  When you two first met, what shape were you in?

When SO and I first met he had an incredible body.  He gained weight (about 35 pounds, and he’s really short) lost all of his muscles, and it did affect my sex drive.  I let him know because it was important to me that our sex life was back to normal.  It wasn’t meant to be a personal attack, I just wanted to return to the way things were so I talked to him about it.

Maybe it’s the same with your FI?  Maybe he just wants things to return to the way they were?  I’m not trying to say you’re wrong.  I was pretty gentle when I brought this up with my SO.

If you’ve always been a curvy girl, I can’t even say anything because I’m too annoyed at your Fiance.  You can’t start dating someone who is one body type and then say “I want it to be different, now.”

Post # 55
Member
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

ouch this whole thing sucks.  Ok… your dress looks great on you! great choice. 

If he is as stressed out as you say he is, maybe him going to the gym WITH you will help both of you.  He can see your hard work and by him working out his stress should help his over all outlook.  Oh plus you two can spend some time together.  

Post # 56
Member
13649 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@MariContrary:  There  is a time and place for everything and no, he was a cretin to  have answered the OP the way he did.  It’s one thing to support or applaud the OP in her health and fitness goals that she initiates  and quite another to tell her he can’t  get turned on by looking at her ten seconds after the fact.  That showed a shocking lack of common sense and fundamental concern for the OP, IMO. 

For the comments saying, “well OP  asked”,  I have to say I find that a concrete and less than mature response.  The FI’s so called brand of “honesty” served absolutely no purpose except to damage the relationship, perhaps irreparably. If he really feels this way, he should be honest with himself, and not lead the OP on or go through with a marriage.

“I don’t know, I’m not sure” is a good enough  reason to break an engagement. He doesn’t have to decimate her self worth or image as a desirable person in the process. 

Sounds as if Fiance is now remorseful, but I’d still be asking myself some  tough questions.  I know I could not go through with marrying someone whose love or interest in me was that fickle.  

Post # 57
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Looking at those pictures I don’t think you have 40lb to lose without straying into dangerous territory.

I also don’t think you look overweight! Maybe concentrate on toning? If you’re going to the gym 3-4 times a week that weight could also be muscle. 

Sorry you’re upset about your FI’s comment 🙁 I genuinely don’t know what I would say if confronted with a question like that! Maybe it did come from a loving and concerned place but please don’t get too hung up on it. You don’t really have much to lose 🙂 

Post # 58
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@UKbee:  I’m of the camp that believes you should never ask questions you don’t want the answer to.

Post # 59
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@UKbee:  Given your past history of an eating disorder, what he said was totally irresponsible. People can easily fall into the trap of of eating disorder – especially if they’ve been there before.

I used to be so skinny, like a stick insect with long, twiggy arms and legs. I could not gain weight no matter what I ate. Friends, workmates, strangers, would (wrongly) assume that I was anorexic. So when my metabolism started to slow down (and/or bad food choices I made caught up with me) and I started to gain weight, I felt better about myself. Sure, I could do with some toning up, but I feel better than I ever did (I went from 175cm tall 55kg to 70kg in the 13 years since I finished school). SO has also gained weight since I met him 7 years ago, but I still find him sexy as hell, and I believe a true connection should be more than just what the other looks like naked.

Please, if you’re going to lose weight, do it because YOU want to, and do it the right, healthy way. I don’t believe your life with your Fiance should revolve around trying to fit his ‘ideal’. People get older and they gain weight.

Post # 60
Member
770 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

This story seems really one-sided. It’s completely possible that she asked him about her weight and pushed the subject until he finally agreed that, yes, she had gained weight, and yes, it does play a contributing role as one of the many reasons he didn’t want to have sex that one time. It’s not as if he initated a conversation where he sat her down and told her that she was disgusting and needed to drop 50lbs.

Post # 61
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@CreatureFromTheBlackLagoon:  well aren’t you just a peach. And you expect empathy for your anxiety disorders all the time but a bee has an eating disorder and you have nothing valuable to say.  

 

OP you look great. And to answer your question. No. You shouldn’t have to keep it up to keep with his sexual attraction to you. if this continues then I question if you are both even a good match for eachother.  What if you were on medication that prevented losing weight at all ? What would you guys do then? 

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