(Closed) FI just told me my weight is causing is low sex drive :(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
Member
794 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

@UKbee:  I think you and your Fiance need to have a serious chat. 

My ex, was just like this to me… the first time he brought up my weight I was *CRUSHED* When we met I was about 140 pounds and had overcome a lot of weight issues from my high school days. I finally was confident, met a boy that loved me… and 6 months in he told me he wished I was fit and went to the gym. When I look at photos of myself back then… I wish I had just ended it there. I would have saved myself a lot. 

It just cycled out of control from there… I would go to the gym and as soon as I slacked off, he would bring it up, change how he treated me, wouldn’t be affectionate…etc.

My self esteem was DESTROYED in that relationship. I gained nearly 50 pounds. 

And… many years later I’m still struggling to get back what I had. 

My SO now loves me for who I am and has never brought up my weight. 

But I will say this.. and maybe this is what you can talk to you Fiance about…

You’re probably feeling pretty crappy about yourself for the bit of a regain over the holidays, and your confidence and demeanour is probably a bit different as a result and that could be what your Fiance is picking up on.. more so than your actual weight. 

When we have self esteem and weight issues, our SO’s need to be concious of the way they talk to us and how they communicate. 

I’m sure after you lost the weight in October, you were feeling sexy and confident and he was loving it! 

Unfortunately for many of us women, we can’t seem to get our confidence up when we’re feeling down on our bodies. Our SO’s pick up on the feeling fit/healthy = happy you, not going to gym/eating crap = miserable you

You just have to have an open and frank conversation with your SO, and about how you need to be supported and how his love and affection for you cannot reflect on a month or two of lapse in going to the gym! How when he’d like to encourage you to go to the gym and focus on what is important to you, how he can gently remind you? 

Commenting on weight and refusing love when we’re most vulnerable, is really a recipe for disaster and can create a ton of fears… like What will happen when you have kids? What if… what if… what if. 

It has to be stopped and discussed now!!!

 

Post # 63
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

That is hard to hear especially given the background of your situation. I don’t have that background but about a year ago my if said something like “you have the potential to be sexy”… Meaning if I got more fit etc but hat he didn’t think I was. Needless to say he honestly doesn’t even remember saying this but I do… Boys are just dumb sometimes and don’t have the same kind of filter or realization of how words affect women. I’m definitely not defending him.. But He obviously realizes that he messed up and maybes didn’t think prior of affect his words may have had. I think you should discuss joe how he feels and what he says about you affects your mindeet and let him know that you need his love and support no matter what.

 

 

Post # 64
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@BellaDee:  If it makes you happy to single out those responding with an opinion different than yours and personally attacking them, go right ahead. That speaks volumes more about who you are as a person than I.

 

Post # 65
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Ohhhh boy. 18 lbs is not the end of the world, I am shocked he would lose his drive over that. I honestly don’t know what I would do in your situation. I’d be absolutely wrecked and probably never feel comfortable or at ease again and that’s no way to live. I mean it’s good he can be honest, but to expect you to stay at a certain weight for the next 50+ years is not fair and unattainable. You def need to have a sit down CALM talk with him and discuss expectations. If he expects you to always be in shape or slim then this might not be the best relationship for you. It’s good to be in shape and it’s healthy for you but most people DO have weight gains and losses and he needs to be on your team no matter what especially given your history of an eating disorder. If he can’t accept you as you are then that’s a major issue. 

Post # 66
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

As someone working on my relationship with food and my body this breaks my heart absolutely.

You first of all are gorgeous the way you are. Honestly. You are not horribly obese or anything and it really worries me that your Fiance brought up the weight issue. You had legitimate medical reasons not to go to the gym and you’ve obviously been trying hard.

Like a lot of other bees I’m worried for you if you were to have to go on medication that made you unable to lose weight (or meds that made you gain weight) or if you suffer an injury that leaves you unable to work out.

The two of you need to sit down and have a serious conversation where he talks honestly about what his expectations are. Perhaps it could be mediated by a counselor? The fact that his exes were all rail-thin troubles me. I hope he doesn’t expect you to look like that. I wish you all the best in everything.

Post # 67
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@BellaDee:  …she asked. He answered. He didn’t “push” her or even bring it up. People agreed with me, so obviously I’m not the only one with a different opinion than yours. I’m sorry you felt that warranted an indignant comment in only my direction, but I wasn’t rude in any way…and I still stand by what I said. 

You can be at an unhealthy weight on either end of the spectrum and if I ask my partner a question, I appreciate an honest answer. Otherwise, I wouldn’t ask a question I didn’t want to know the answer to. If he had come right out and said something about her weight unprovoked, I’d be in your camp. But she ASKED. 

Post # 68
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@weddingmaven:  I completely agree that it was horrible timing, and really, sounds like it was blurted out in haste and without thought. However, I still stand by the fact that a hasty, poorly timed and painful truth is a thousand times better than being told a sunshine and rainbow lie.  And a lie of omission is just as bad as a bald faced lie. You can address what you know.  You can’t address an issue that’s hidden from you, all it does is fester and hurt the relationship.

Post # 69
Member
841 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@UKbee:  Ugh… I have no advice… but I wish I could give you a hug! This is a crappy situation.

Post # 70
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@UKbee:  first off, HUGS to you. i’m sorry you are experiencing this right now. 🙁 i also have struggled with an eating disorder for the past ten years.  my Fiance can say some triggering things without realizing it, but he has never ever said that he doesn’t like my body at its highest. in fact, he said he loved my curves, loved that we were able to go out to eat more, loved that i wasn’t always feeling pressured to get to the gym, loved that i wasn’t thinking about calories nonstop.  when i started losing weight to get ready for our upcoming wedding (just wanted to lose 10 lbs or so), he expressed his concerns and said no matter what the pressures of brides looking their best, he loved me exactly how i was and not to get caught up in it. of course, that is so hard to do so i’m still trying to lose a bit more to look great for the wedding. regardless, if he ever said that he didn’t like me at my highest weight, i would seriously consider leaving him. when i think about him gaining weight (which he hasn’t because he has a crazy high metabolism and is naturally very thin and tall), i know i wouldn’t care as long as he wasn’t putting himself at a risk for diseases. and if he did get to that point, i would just try to be active with him.

 

ETA: i just saw that you posted your picture… you have a gorgeous figure. so many guys would be lucky to have you. please don’t let this loser make you feel insecure. 🙁

Post # 71
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

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@MrsPanda99:  I’m not saying I completely agree with your response, but this is exactly what happened to me and my SO.  He gained weight and while I still loved him, I didn’t want to have sex anymore.  I’m not saying I was upset with him, I was happy not having nearly as much sex.  I didn’t love him any less, but my sexual attraction was gone when he let himself go.  I don’t think I’m a bad person for this, I started dating someone I was sexually attracted to, and he became someone I wasn’t sexually attracted to because of his weight.

NOW- if OP was always a curvier girl, he shouldn’t have dated her thinking she would lose weight.  That’s just stupid.

Post # 72
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@HisBride515:  +1000

@UKbee:  

OP, are you all right? If what your Fiance said wasn’t triggering enough, I am afraid that this thread has been.

Post # 73
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@Dorian5:  I agree, I think she should close this thread. People are using the excuse of her asking him as a valid reason for them to respond with rude comments. They truly do not want to comprehend the mental state of a person with a history of eating disorders, especially who’s on medication for DEPRESSION that may affect their weight. It’s easy to be behind a computer screen and not see a big deal when someone is in REAL pain, but they are the first ones making moronic threads seeking sympathy.

So what she asked? There’s plenty of ways to tell someone the truth without being hurtful. It’s CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISM, and when you marry someone you can’t expect them to be your physical ideal throughout the whole relationship that’s ridiculous, and that’s not what marriage is about. I gained 60 lbs and my Fiance still treated me the same way he did when I was 120 lbs and he prefers skinnier petite women.  OP didn’t just let herself go, shes on mediication that causes weight gain and has a slow metabolism, on top of that when hasn’t gone to the gym (it’s only been 1 week) due to back issues – the rude posters obviously have 0 reading comprehension skills. I would NEVER tell my Fiance that he’s sexually undesirable due to weight gain if he gained weight for reasons beyond his control.

I understand her DH apologized but there are just some lines that shouldn’t be crossed. People seriously have no sense of empathy.

Post # 74
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@HisBride515:  Exactly. And it doesn’t matter how far removed someone is from being in the clutches of their eating disorder, their BRAIN stays programmed. Someone weighing 80 pounds will constantly seek verification from others that they are, indeed, not fat… that’s why it’s a *disorder*. I would think the Fiance (and others…) would have a little more tact.

 

Still hoping to hear that you’re all right, OP.

Post # 75
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@UKbee:  Wow you have an incredible figure!

Post # 76
Member
41 posts
Newbee

If I were a guy I’d bang you lol 🙂 

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