(Closed) FI just told me my weight is causing is low sex drive :(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 92
7751 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I wouldn’t be able to forgive someone for saying something like that, regardless of whether it was true or out of his own insecurities. It isn’t okay to be cruel to someone you supposedly love and withold affection due to a few pounds.

I have a few more years experience, and I can tell you honestly that many women battle keeping the weight off – sometimes temporarily and sometimes permanently – after having children and with age. Staying slim doesn’t get easier for most people; it gets harder. If he thinks it is okay to blame your weight now, what is he going to say if you someday gain weight during pregnancy and have trouble shedding it? Will you simply have a sexless marriage for years while you work on your weight? Is he prepared to be similarly judged and not to gain a few pounds as he ages? 

The issue for me is that once the words are said, they cannot be taken back. Anyone who tells someone they need to lose weight out of “love” is fooling themselves. Do they think that overweight people don’t have mirrors? Scales? Do they really think the person doesn’t already KNOW they are carrying extra weight? It is an excuse to say something mean to someone, IMO.

I am fortunate now that I have been able to lose weight and keep it off. But I really struggled for a few years after pregnancy, with depression, sleeplessness and weight gain/lack of loss. My DH never once said anything demeaning, and always, always, always told me I was beautiful. My DH is now struggling a bit with his weight, and I would never repay him by snarking. Weight is a battle most married couples fight together, so I ask him to take a walk with me; I cook healthier meals; I try to keep junk food out of the house, etc. 

I realize I’ve written a novel here, but consider the future carefully. He’s already told you he isn’t interested in you sexually due to your weight, and no matter how much he back-tracks, whenever you have another dry spell you will worry. You will never feel comfortable asking him how something looks on you out of fear that he will be “honest” again. You will worry if you ever decide to become pregnant; you will second-guess every celebratory meal where you might indulge. You’ve battled an eating disorder in the past, and recovery is always precarious for eating disorders. Please don’t set yourself up for a lifetime of being anxious and worried because the man you love can’t accept you for who you are.

Post # 96
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@UKbee:  I’m sorry he said that.  I would be sad if my Fiance said that to me, even though he’s probably thought things like that.  I think the best thing to do is focus on being healthy, WITH your Fiance.  I’m sure he’s not perfect either!  Plan your meals on the weekend, so that you won’t be as tempted during the week.  Try to get exercise 5x a week.  Even walking counts. 

Post # 97
327 posts
Helper bee

In my experience, men can be pretty clueless when it comes to weight. They joke with each other about their big old beer bellies and all that other stuff. They don’t really know how it feels to be really conscious about weight. My fiancé used to tease me about my weight, not realizing it hurt my feelings. He just thought that because he and his friends did it, and I was his best friend, it would be fine lol. He doesn’t now because he knows that it’s not okay to talk about a woman’s weight like that lol. 

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