Post # 1
I was reading hateliars‘ post about spouses keeping secrets, and it made me wonder about something in my own relationship with Fiance. FI and I are both from families in which we didn’t have much to do with our biological fathers–I’m adopted and have never met my biological father, his mother separated from hsi father when he was young and never remarried. Early on in our relationship when I asked him about his father he told me that he was dead and that was it, while later on he insinuated that his father was maybe alive, but that he didn’t know and wouldn’t want to know, either way. I’ve asked him for the sake of clarity, and now he sticks to the story that he’s dead, from some heart-related issue.
The thing is, he’s never been clear to me what actually happened with his father in terms of their relationship and family. All he’s ever told me, even when I’ve asked outright, is that something happened that dissolved the relationship, and that he never wants to talk to that side of the family. I’ve wondered if there was some sort of violence in the household, because he told me once that he doesn’t like if he’s sitting in the back seat of a car and someone reaches back to touch/hold his knee, because his father did that and it scared him. He also told me once that during junior high school he considered legally changing his last name to something other than what it is (his father’s last name) because he didn’t want that side of the family to “find him.”
All of this said, today, as I was reading the other post, he texts me to let me know that he met a relative from his father’s side of the family at work. He said she was his father’s brother’s wife and that she was very nice, which I’m glad for, since I’m not sure how he would have dealt with a bad experience.
But it started to make me wonder–how would you feel if your SO kept something like this from you? Is it weird that he won’t tell me? I’ve always just respected that it must have been something bad enough that he doesn’t want to talk about it, and haven’t really had the urge to learn more. But now I’m wondering if it is something I should probe him more about… Thoughts?
Post # 3
My Fiance has told me very little about his father and that side of the family including half siblings. i get bits and pieces here and there but he rarely talks about them and what happened that has caused him to not speak to that side of the family for years at a time. About two years ago he did see them after the death of his half sister but has not seen or spoken to them for years before that or since, at least that I know of. He has also told me there is no reason for me to ever meet that side of his family. Frankly I think he is embarrassed by them but I know it is more than that. There has to be something big that has caused this estrangement. I have decided to accept that whatever it is, he does not want to talk about it. I occasionally will ask questions but I try not to pry or force any conversations. He is 43, we’ll adjusted, kind, honest, loving and gentle. I have seen him with his mom and that side of his family so I know he has good family relationships. That is enough for me.
I don’t think your situation is strange. you know your guy. We all deserve to keep some things private. Maybe this is his thing.
Post # 4
Thanks 🙂 That’s what I’m thinking, too. I’m sure if he ever needed to tell me more (like, if that side of his family was trying to get access to him or us) he’d tell me more, but I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else, too. I appreciate your insight.
Post # 5
@MrsRevolutionize: it may not be that he doesn’t want to tell you,he may not feel strong enough to do it. It sounds like he had a very negative,possibly abusive, relationship with his father and it is still effecting him. Boys are raised to be tough and to mot show emotion,especially not to his woman. He is supposed to be strong for you,you know. I think you should maybe tell him that you understand that he isn’t ready to talk about it but that you’ll be there to listen and you wont judge him if he ever wants to talk.
Post # 6
Hahah, you’re spot on–that’s basically what I told him the last time we talked about it. You’re definitely right, it’s his choice to talk about it and when or if he’s ready, I’ll be there. Thanks 🙂