(Closed) FI left me and I’m devastated…my life is ruined.

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2020 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

One week before our wedding, I called my mom at midnight to tell her that I didn’t think we’d be getting married.  I’m telling you this because I know how you feel, and I know how this happens, and you’re not alone.  I honestly thought we couldn’t recover from the lines we’d drawn in the sand, so to speak.  He slept elsewhere, I cried to my mom and cuddled with the dogs, and I wasn’t sure what the next day would bring.

I don’t know if you read my posts, so I’ll just give you the quick version: we had a tough engagement.  Very rocky.  We’re both pretty independent and happy with the way we do things, and adjusting for someone else has been incredibly tough.  We’re both stubborn, we both think we’re right, and we both feel everything very deeply and passionately.

I can’t even recall what that fight was about… which is strange, right?  I do know that I screamed and pushed him when he stood in the doorway in what I thought was a menacing way.  I also know that his tendency is to flee when we fight, and mine is to force us to stay engaged.  When he leaves, I feel abandoned.  When he’s forced to stay, he feels cornered.  In fact, when I realized this, my world view changed.  I did a series of posts on it that I can find if you’re interested.

When he leaves to get his head together and recover, I have to repeat to myself OUT LOUD: "He will be back.  It’s okay.  You’re not abandoned.  He will be back.  Life is in constant flux.  It’ll get better."  I give myself a timeline and that comforts me.  "If in 24 hours you still feel this way, then deal with it." I also use self-imposed waiting periods when we’re talking about something that he feels strongly about.  If he gets upset and retreats, I give myself three days before I can bring it up.  Have you ever seen how dogs play fight?  Well, how they fight fairly? Well-adjusted dogs will engage, and if things get a little bit too heated, they’ll pause and become perfectly still.  Sometimes that’s enough and they’ll play again. If that’s not enough, they will often give each other actual physical distance for a b it, then they’ll try again.  That’s what I try for when we have arguments.

I want to engrave my wedding ring with the word "BELIEVE" because it’s what I struggle to do when things get bad – believe they’ll ever get better.

Getting married hasn’t changed our relationship dynamic, but it has significantly lessened the pressure to change and plan an event and impress our families.  It’s a constant learning situation, and one that we accept and work on every day.  I don’t believe that this was a deal-breaker for us (obviously), but that’s because we both understood it and agreed that it was a heat-of-the-moment problem, not a commitment problem.

Mr. Bee gave you some great advice about how to deal with him, but mine is more about something I think I might see in your responses: try very very hard to use your head to remind your heart, when you start to feel abandoned, that it can get better.

Oh, and one more thing: the toughest thing is to not stand on principle, but also not feel like you’re giving in.  So, when I want most to wrap my arms around myself and turn my head away, I don’t.  That’s a physical response to stress, and I know that that protective instinct won’t get me anywhere.  On the other hand, when my head tells me something like, "If you just agree this will go away," I know not to listen.  Make sense?

Last thing: when he last threatened to move out, I moved his stuff out for him.  This was all in the heat of the moment, and I was trying to prove a point to him. With a little bit of distance, I realized that I was overreacting, but then I didn’t know how to recover from it.  I’m telling you that it’s possible for him to move his stuff out and yet not really want to move out.

Good luck.  Keep me updated.  Hugs.

Post # 18
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I know things seem like they can’t get any worse at the moment but I think you need to give this a little time to see how things are going pan out. Emotions are obviously running really high right now so I think it’s best to give each other a little space.

I agree with some other comments made where if things do work out, he needs to know that playing the "I’m leaving you card" is not okay. When my fiance and I first got together every time we had a fight he would throw out there "well maybe we shouldn’t be together then" just to hurt me. I told him if he wants to leave just do it, don’t throw it in my face. And if it’s just talk then he can save his breath because I didn’t want to hear that come out of his mouth again. Man that really upset me!

You always say things you don’t mean when you fight so hopefully things will get better quickly. If they don’t, I’m truly sorry for what you are going through and you shouldn’t hesitate to do what you need to do to reach out to people whether it be to call someone or post up on weddingbee. We’ll all be here for you!

Post # 19
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

In My Humble Opinion, if he’s like a lot of other guys, you need to give him his space.  I would just let him go, cool down, clear his head and leave him with his thoughts.  The last thing they want to hear is crying and blubbering on about blah blah blah, which is all they hear. 

I also get this "vibe" that you’re not exactly the type to defuse a chaotic situation.  And you talk about how you hate him for making you feel the way you do, but what about the way that you made HIM feel?  After all, guys do have feelings too. 

Post # 20
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

Even if this relationship is over, please don’t think that’s all there is to you!  You are more than an engagement.  You are more than a relationship.  You have a whole life that you have lived without him.  If you decide that you want to end your relationship, please don’t think it’s the end of your life!  It will be embarassing, and it will hurt for a while.  You will be sad.  But just put one foot in front of the other, and continue to live your life.  You have many years ahead of you, don’t put all your worth into becoming "his wife" or "a wife."  I promise that there is so much joy waiting for you, no matter how you move ahead in your life.  You may move ahead beside him, or you may move ahead on your own, but either way there are experiences and laughter and good times with your family to look forward to.  I know sometimes we can feel like this is the end, but that is only because we cannot imagine our life differently.  Don’t be scared of the unknown, just embrace it.  You may find yourself relieved to be out of your relationship, or somehow relieved that you have the chance to find someone who understands you better.  If you want, PM me whenever you need to talk more!!

Post # 21
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

would you mind sharing what the fight was about exactly.

 i think it would make it much easier to give advice if we knew exactly what it was that you were fighting about and how it led up to him leaving-


Post # 22
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Your life is absolutely not over, no matter what happens!!

I don’t know the entire story, so this may be something you can fix or it may not, but either way life will go on and you both will be happy again I promise!

How long have you been together? My Fiance and I used to fight every once in a while when we were getting used to each other (we both have strong personalities too, like Cheese), but as time goes by it’s less and less as we learn how to communicate and interact in every situation. Yes, we screamed too! No one in the world can rile me up like he can, that’s how it should be. Now it’s been almost a year since we last had a real fight, it’s almost impossible now! (knock wood)

Don’t call off the engagement yet – give yourself (and him) a few days to clear your minds. Time heals everything, you may have a scar from this, but you will be okay!

Post # 23
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Look.  This is NOT the end.  I was married, brand new mortgage on a dream house, two high end vehicles and had a small child in a state we’d just moved to when I found out my (now x) H was cheating.  I gave him 6 mos and did all the right things (we had a good marriage and the rug was literally pulled out from under me..we were even planning our 2nd baby) yet I still had to divorce him b/c he wouldn’t change.

I ended up losing most of my net worth over the divorce (he was not honest..but then again anybody cheating IS NOT HONEST) and started over again brand new in a state WITH NO RELATIVES nearby and just a handful of friends and with a small child.  I did it on my own for the last 5 years now. 

YOUR LIFE IS NOT OVER.  Mine wasn’t.

Even if this relationship is, your life isn’t.  Please make an appt with your counselor.

Hugs.  Many hugs. 

He may or may not be gone forever.  Just wait it out and if he does return immediately begin couples counseling.

You said he’s left before..that’s upsetting.

Now have you HIT him before too?  That is also even more upsetting to me whenever there is violence of any sort.  I know for me it would be a 100 percent dealbreaker.  Jmho.

Wishing you both the best. 



Post # 24
161 posts
Blushing bee

What’s going on?  How are you? I’ve been worrried all day and keep checking for an update!

Post # 26
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Wow.  Telling someone to take a chill pill is one thing, but to tell them to go take enough pills to kill themself?  Maybe it’s just my hyper-sensitvity to sucide since my brother killed himself, but does that seem more than a little wrong to anyone else?

Post # 27
773 posts
Busy bee

I think telling someone to kill herself counts as being abusive. 

Post # 28
36 posts
  • Wedding: March 2009

wow. Voilence should never be used but saying what he said almost deserves a slap. What a terrible thing to say to you! I know slapping him is still the wrong thing to do but reading about what he said makes my blood boil! I can only imagine  how much pain you felt when he made that comment. I know how alone you must feel right now, when you just needed his support and empathy and in return he gives you insensitivity. That can be very difficult to deal with! On the other hand, sometimes it can turn guys off when you have a difficult time showing them how you are feeling because like you said, you were a little arguementative. Your fI is not going to want to be understanding or comforting if he feels like he is being attacked or blamed for how you are feeling. If you are feeling upset about something you have to be careful not to play the blame game or use the words "you always" or "you never." Those two words are often used in arguements and do nothing but put the other person on the defense. I have a feeling this whole arguement was just the result of a hot headed misunderstanding. It sounds like maybe there are some explosive tempers in the relashionship. It sounds harsh but it is not so bad. It just means that you guys will have to be extra careful not push eachothers buttons and watch what you say. My fiance has an explosive temper. He would never lay a hand on me but some hurtful words can come flying out of his mouth. He is always sorry after but that doesn’t always make it better. We have learned how to argue with eachother so that we can avoid saying hurtful things to eachother out of spite. I know right now it seems like you guys have reached the point of no return, but you haven’t. It sounds like you guys need to fix the way you argue and deal with stress. Slapping is inexcusable and so are hurtful comments. You guys need to sit down and come up with boundries and find out what sets the other person off. Things probably won’t get better right away but they will eventually, it will take work. I promise that if you guys sit down and point out that both of your behaviors were inexcusable and find out boundries, you guys will feel back to normal and the doubts will subside. You guys will be fine, as long as you love eachother and are willing to work at it (and be open to the fact that there is a problem.) So please smile and know that you will be ok, you have a fI that loves you and will work this out with you. 

Post # 29
161 posts
Blushing bee

Just hand in there. We are praying for you. Please don’t go away. Let us know how you are.  By the way, I once jumped in the air and slapped a 6 ft 6inch man who called my 2 year old a ‘little bastard’. It’s the only time I ever slapped anyone (over 30 years ago)…was I wrong?  Probably? Do I regret it? Not a bit!

Post # 30
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Oh my, I am so, so sorry that this is happening to you. I didn’t read through all of the other comments completely, so I’m sorry if I am repeating what others have said. I think one of the best things you can do for yourself is see a counselor ASAP. My last relationship was very rocky, and at times abusive. I eventually went and saw a therapist and it was so helpful. She was able to look at the situation objectively and her insight was invaluable. Please remember to take care of yourself right now. Things can get so crazy and it’s so important to surround yourself with people love you, support you and can counsel you. If you have family or friends close by, please go and be with them. You need physical company and support right now. I am sending you much love and many hugs!

Post # 31
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Mac, your story is like my worst nightmare. All I can do is say {{hugs}} like everyone else, and PM me if you need to. I have an anxiety disorder and struggle with insecurity myself, I may be able to relate/help, maybe not, but I’m here if you want to try me. Warmest, L

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