(Closed) FI lied, I am very hurt.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8455 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@anonymous_1788:  *HUGS*  You have to realize that this has less to do with you/what you look like/how attracted he is to you.  Unfortunately, in the US (I’m assuming you’re in the US) our practices of educating our males in regards to sexuality and mastrubation are pretty much from the dark ages.  Men tend to associate mastrubation with shame and guilt, which manifests as lying/hiding things.  In order to trust him again, it will take him consistently being honest with you over a period of time.  Couples counseling could really help the two of you communicate I think.  Best of luck to both of you.

Post # 4
Member
9084 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

He makes fun of slutty girls and girls who show lots of skin.
–Slut shaming is not better than not looking at porn. It’s worse. Just gotta get that out of my system. Nobody should be made fun of or shamed.

I can’t trust him now and my self confidence is the lowest it’s ever been.

I commented on another thread that total transparency is not always the answer. There are just some things you should keep to yourself. There is no reason why your SO must know everything about you, and vice versa. I’m all for being open and honest with each other, but shame and embarassment cause people to withhold things, and then the other SO can turn around and go, “Ah ha! You didn’t tell me <whatever> so you lied to me!” Cue feelings of betrayal, hurt feelings, and in some cases, the end of a relationship whereas if some sleeping dogs were left to lie, everything would be sunshine and rainbows.

That being said, I can understand your upset although I do not agree with it.

Your self confidence should not directly relate to his sexual desires. You said he thinks you’re beautiful and attractive, so why the low self esteem? Because he looked at other women? The two should not be related. Every man is attracted to different things, and just because he is attracted to you does not mean he cannot be attracted to something else.

I would address the feelings of hurt and come down to why you feel hurt. Is it because he didn’t tell you under this whole “total transparency” thing, or is it because you don’t feel like you can match up with the women he is attracted to?

After you come to that realization (whatever it may be), you need to address it. If you insist on being completely open with one another, you need to set ground rules. I would not suggest the knee-jerk reaction of, “Well you need to let me go through your things and vice versa” because that isn’t the answer. It’s like killing a mosquito with a semi-truck.

If it’s more of the self-esteem issue, you may want to seek therapy to deal with any underlying issues, and work upon fixing yourself. I’m not going to tell you that you need to shape yourself into whatever woman he was looking at — self esteem goes beyond that. If you’re more confident with yourself, you’ll know he has eyes for you, and you’ll be secure in that. It will make you a more stable partner in the relationship and thus stabalizing the entire relationship as a whole.

No one can tell you how to get over it, that’s something you need to figure out for yourself. If he is interested in this sort of stuff, you can try looking at it together if you’re into that, or you can take up to looking at your own, or you can both chalk it up to a bad day and never talk about it again.

You know your relationship better than any of us. You’ll need to figure out what works for you both.

Post # 5
Member
6212 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I think that the best perspective on this is that we can never know everything about another person. I’m sure that there are things that he doesn’t know about you, even if you have tried to tell him everything. It seems like he was trying to make himself look good when he said that stuff, and wasn’t doing it to hurt you. Have the two of you had a really honest discussion about it? Is he stopping, or not? Does he want to? I don’t see it as a big deal if he looks at pictures of models, but if you do, that is something you guys have to talk about, since it seems like it’s the knowledge and not the actions that are preventing you from moving past it. He has to know that you love him for who he is and that he can feel comfortable telling you things that won’t necessarily put him in the best light

Post # 6
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@anonymous_1788:  To get past it, I think you need to accept that he looks at it.  Otherwise, you’re just going to always wonder and try to catch him and then be upset if you find something.  If you do catch him, it will probably shame him even more and perpetuate a vicious cycle.  

As long as it does not affect your sexual relationship with him, and  your sexual needs are being satisfied, I don’t think looking at porn, etc. is a “problem”.  My ex was addicted to porn and masturbating – and it affected our sex life.  I have no clue if my Fiance looks at porn (I assume he does) but I don’t need to know anything about it because my needs are met so it doesn’t matter if he does or not.

As for getting past the fact he lied – that’s tougher for sure!  He’s broken the trust and needs to earn it back over time. It won’t happen over night. Maybe you guys could seek couples counseling to try and work through the trust issue now.

Post # 7
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

how do you feel about looking at the pictures yourself? it kind of one of those things – you cant beat him join him…. maybe, in this case you need to address the trust issue, and don’t make him feel wrong for doing what he did, rather the fact that he lied.

Im sorry you are going through this, its tough but it could be alot worse

Post # 8
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Hyperventilate:  Great advice. I’ve a mind to hire you for insights here and there throughout my day. 🙂 Thanks for posting.

Post # 9
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@anonymous_1788:  This ultimately has nothing to do with you, but I wouldn’t be too happy about this either if I were you. Like you said, it’s not cheating… but it gave you a bit of an icky feeling, right? I think we all want our guy to think we’re the only woman in the world.

I am not sure if he actually lied to you, though. He confessed everything to you at the time. He then started to look at scantily clad women… he just didn’t tell you about it. How awkward would that be? Like “oh babe, I googled hot babes today. Forgive me?” that’s just odd. I can’t see any guy doing that.

Men are visual creatures and he wanted some eye candy. I am not sure that this is a big problem… are you saying you never want him to do this again? Like I said, I get how you feel, and I wouldn’t want my guy looking at stuff like this either since I tend to take everything personally and get really insecure… but that’s more my problem than his problem. Like where do you draw the line? If the Victoria’s Secret catalogue comes in the mail, is he banned from that too? Etc.

I think he sounds like a nice, decent, respectful guy… and although I am sure we’d all prefer our men ONLY see us, it’s human nature to be attracted to other people. If it’s just on a screen or in a magazine I think it’s fairly harmless.

Post # 10
Member
5963 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

…in the universe of lying, on a scale of one to ten, one being he lied about leaving the milk out on the counter and ten being the hole in the back yard was NOT in fact for a rose bush, but to hide the corpse of a murder victim…I’m going to put this at a 3.

I understand that everyone comes to the table with baggage and personal problems, that’s unavoidable, we all have things we don’t like about ourselves, it’s part of being human, and when you decide to live a life with another person, you agree to keep YOUR baggage off their backs as much as possible and carry the weight when they need you to…I think honesty is the best policy, but if you never asked him about this, how could he have lied?

The fact is he was honest when you asked and expecting some sort of daily confession from your partner where they reveal all the unseemly and strange details of their day is odd…

The point is, you can deal with it together now and while your self esteem might have taken a hit, his looking at these images has nothing to do with you or your short comings, it’s just like reading a romance novel…sure you love your guy, but who doesn’t want to imagine being swept away by some brawny Scottsman every now and again?

Post # 11
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Men look, deal with it.  It’s not like he’s perving on the hot 18 year old walking by the two of you in a bikini.  If he wasn’t attracted to you, he wouldn’t be with you.  This is something young women struggle with in early relationships and I felt the same with my high school boyfriend.  As I grew up and had a few more relationships under my belt, I realized that men will look regardless of what women tell them or think about it or b*tch and moan about it.  Gain self  confidence in yourself for yourself and men including your SO will find that sexier than any photo of a model.

P.S. Stop snooping into his browser history.  Sounds to me like you don’t trust him on other levels either.

Post # 14
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Eh, okay. I went through something similar with Fiance and I’m willing to share because it’s not too personal.

Fiance and I started dating when I was 20. He was 26, had been single for a few years (last one left a bad taste in his mouth) and was pretty immature for his age. I love him, but he was. Anyway, I was on his laptop and was searching for something on google and all of these inappropriate searches came up. I was really upset, he was guilty, we fought about it, we broke up. (At the time, we had sex all the time so I didn’t understand why he needed to get his rocks off at other times. I’m serious, it was all the time.)

We got back together again and he became more honest with me. We grew up together through this whole thing. I realized that him watching it had NO impact on his love for me, and steadily stopped watching it of his own volition. Even if he did watch it, I’d shrug and move on.

What I’m trying to say is that what he did has been done before. Should he have lied? Nah, but men are convinced women respond just the way you do about porn. How do you get past it? Time. You give yourself the time to think about it. Why does this bother me? Does this affect the quality of my relationship? Would it bother me if this persisted?

If any of those questions are answered with a ‘yes’, you may want to see a therapist as to why this is getting you so down. Sometimes talking to someone is all you need to get to the crux of the situation.

Bottom line: most men that watch porn much prefer the person they actually get to sleep next to at night. I’m sure whatever this is is not a knock against you.

Post # 15
Member
2270 posts
Buzzing bee

@anonymous_1788:  He lied because he was ashamed, and a lot of people lie for that reason. Plus, he loves you and wants to be with you and knows you broke up with your ex who was addicted to porn. This is different from porn, but in his mind, I’m sure he saw this as something you wouldn’t like, and he was right.

 

Post # 16
Member
2270 posts
Buzzing bee

@anonymous_1788:  I am curious, are you mostly upset because he lied, or because he was looking at women that make you feel inferior? Whenever I used to discover my SO had looked at porn, I would flip out. I would hide behind the anger at “being lied to”, but that wasn’t really the issue. Sure, I was not happy that he was hiding things from me, but if he had come over and told me, “I enjoy watching porn from time to time. I just wanna be honest”, I still woulda been hurt and pissed.

Mainly my issue was that I felt like he must be comparing me to these women, and I wanted to be the only naked woman he saw. After fighting about the topic once or twice a year (when I would discover evidence of porn) for about 8 years, I decided to just concede defeat. Now he knows to not let me find evidence of it. If I do find evidence, then he has to make me feel better about myself, usually by letting me buy something for myself 😉 Not saying that would work for everyone, or that you should substitute your feelings for mine, but just giving another angle to think about it from. I still want to be the only naked woman he sees, but crying, screaming, forcing him to make promises, hurt feelings, fighting, policing the comp, etc got me nowhere which is why I finally just gave in.

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