(Closed) FI looking at inappropriate photos

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@chocolatecoveredstrawberry:  Ok, well obviously he knew what the pictures were so he opened them with the intention of looking at them again.  What other issues have you had in the past? 

Post # 19
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

Aye aye aye! I don’t really have any good advice but I wanted to say that yes, you are justified for being upset. I would be really pissed and hurt if I was in your shoes. 

Post # 20
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

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@chocolatecoveredstrawberry:  Instead of telling him what is off limits, I think you should try a different approach. I had the same type of problems with my Fiance that you are having with yours. I didn’t want to hold him back from what he wanted to do–look at other women, etc. So i basically told him, you can do whatever you want, but I don’t have to like it. That being said, if you want to be talking to all these girls and looking at photos of them, I can walk out. Then we tried to figure out the ROOT of why he did what he did and concluded that it was from his old habits–from before we got together. I just found that giving him a choice to do whatever he wanted to worked better than forcing him to not look.

Post # 22
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Yea I was bothered by the line earlier where he said he keeps messing it up and doesn’t know why.  I wondered what does that mean and now I just saw your last post that explains it.  So many “mess ups” would bother me.  I’m sorry this happened to you.

The fact that you went as far as to take off your ring and walk away seemed odd to me but with this new info it doesn’t anymore. And him making you make this girl a Bridesmaid or Best Man seems odd to me too.  And now you found the panty bra pic you never new existed and some excuse about a wedding album, 3 years after the fact.

I really hate to say this but the whole thing stinks fish.  How long have you been together overall? How and why did you decide to get married?  Have you guys been to counseling?  It seems like you have some llegitimate reasons to worry.

I don’t want to raise any alarms or anything but it seems like you guys might need to sort some stuff out. 

Post # 23
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@chocolatecoveredstrawberry:  I think as a single incident , its forgivable as long as he immediately deletes that folder. Teamed with his history I honestly dont know how easily I could trust him. It sounds like he craves attention, maybe for self esteem issues. Either way, the pattern is that he fucks up, you are hurt, he cries, you reluctantly forgive him.. He is learning that as long as he is contrite, he gets away with pushing the limit. You should not have to be checking up on him. I would have this out with him. Any hint of another fuck up and you are gone, tears or not.

Post # 25
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@chocolatecoveredstrawberry:  The thing is, he is generally the greatest guy ever

Hun, the greatest guy ever doesn’t do the shady things this guy has done to you.

I was all prepard to say I thought you were overreacting by giving your ring back and being upset about him looking at two innocent pics (yes a bit odd they’re of people you know but it could have been an innocent oh I just came across these whatever).  However, reading your follow up posts raise hugeeee red flags.

First, like you said, his response of “i keep screwing up”.  This cued me in to the fact there was obviously more to the story.  Has anythign skechy happened lately (I know you said the dating profile stuff was a while ago).  If you haven’t “caught” him doing anything creeper like lately, his response really sounds like he’s got a guilty conscience and has been doing other shady things that you might not know about.  He is also making himself the victim here with his disgusting “woe is me” act.

I dated a guy that sounds a lot like your bf (dating profile, etc.).  He is now an ex for a reason (the kid lied about being on a dating website and talking to women on it up even while I made him sign on his account and read his messages from earlier that day!)

Get out now. He’s not going to change – he’ll just try to hide his shady acts more but eventually you’ll find him doing something else.  The trust in your relationship is clearly broken and once it’s broke, you can never rebuild it to what it was. And honestly, you’re not married there are no kids involved so it’s not even worth it to try.  You can do so much better! I thought I would never trust a guy again after my shady ex, but when you meet the right person you never even have to worry!

Post # 26
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Yeah, he doesn;t sound like the greatest guy ever. This coupled with his history would be a huge, HUGE red flag to me. I don’t know what I would do, I just wanted to say I am sorry you are dealing with this and please don’t just let him off the hook. He keeps doing these things to you because he never suffers any consequences for doing them so why not just lie and hide things from you when he knows you will forgive him if you catch him?

Post # 27
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My background is probably very different from most people’s, but finding these photos would make me raise an eyebrow, call him out on it, and then laugh. To me it’s no worse than looking at a bikini photo of someone you know. Embarrassing to be caught doing? Yes. Grounds for getting super upset? Not for me :

 

ETA:

Just read some of the other things now though. I agree that things seem a bit shady. I don’t necessarily think he’s a bad guy or something…but it sounds like he’s struggling in the commitment area.

Post # 28
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t think it makes him a bad guy.  Sometimes guys just don’t know what the limitations are.  You can tell him that you don’t mind him looking at porn, but looking at pictures of girls he knows that are scantaly dressed bothers you.  Once you explain that to him, just take it from there.  If he does it again, then you have bigger issues.

Post # 29
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I just want to add that he has shown you he clearly has no respect for your feelings.  You asked him to take his dating profile down (totally appropriate once you are in a relationship) and he did but then went and put it back up behind your back.  So, even if you tell him that makes you feel bad and you don’t want him to look at such pictures anymore, I don’t thikn he is going to stop – he will just hide it better (or not – guys typically suck at hiding things either that or I’m just your above average Nancy Drew and always find it!)

this guy sucks so bad!  Maybe I’m just projecting my horrible ex though..

Post # 30
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m sure you’re a lovely lady. Why not take some risque photos of yourself and let him know that you sent the pics out to his best friends. I’d love to see his reaction to that. Honestly, I think it was really creepy and disrespectful to you. And the whole dating profile thing? That’s just wrong. That would set off all kinds of alarm bells to me, especially since he was dishonest and went behind your back. Ugh. I wish you luck.

Post # 31
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Get boudoir pics made of yourself and present them to him.  But in all honesty guys are going to look at other women and most will look at pornography as well.  It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you they just like to look at other women, preferably the naked or half naked variety.

Since it’s people you know I would ask him to delete them just for the weird factor.  What if the bride’s husband or another friend found them on your computer?  They may not be too happy about that.  But I hazard a guess that he has pics of other nude or nerely nude women on his computer.  Is it the fact that he has the pics or that it’s of a friend?  The friend factor would be the deal breaker for me.

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