FI met his first girlfriend last week and I only got to know today

posted 6 days ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

The fact that he didn’t tell me would have rubbed me the wrong way.  He likely didn’t tell you because he knew you wouldn’t like it, and to me that’s a sin by omission.

BUT one thing I’ve learned by being with my now fiance and going through our own trials and tribulations, is that if you truly believe he’s a good guy and there weren’t malicious intentions, you have to choose to get over it or not.  You can’t keep beating him over the head with it; either you believe him when he said it was an innocent mistake (which it may have been) or not.  It’s up to you.  We all have pasts and my Fiance remained friends with his ex while we were together (in fact I have a sneaking suspicion that she urged him to try to get me back, and it’s because of her advice that we are where we are now).  I didn’t know any of this at the time but when I found out, we had a good heart to heart about it and ultimately I believe they were just friends (she’s married and just had a kid).  So you have to figure out how you feel about it, really accept that, and either move on or not.

Post # 3
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

I would be a little sketched out too. But if you don’t have any reason to distrust your fiance or believe that there are unresolved feelings between him and the ex (you say “first gf” – how long ago are we talking?), I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. I do think it’s more likely that he didn’t see the need to tell you for fear he’d upset you than that he “forgot.” I think this is a good time to have a discussion about lying by omission and what your boundaries are. 

Post # 4
Member
920 posts
Busy bee

This would upset me if it hadn’t been mentioned first. It’s very unlikely I would say “no”, but I may have concerns, and I’d like to communicate about those in advance. 

I agree with you; if there’s nothing to hide, why not say something about meeting up? 

Post # 5
Member
7731 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

First girlfriend like when he was 13, or first real relationship girlfriend?

Post # 7
Member
9324 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would not be cool with that.

Like “oopsies” I just happened to not tell you about meeting up with my old flame? Nope.

Post # 9
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee

I know nothing about your fiance’s character or past mistakes, so it’s hard to judge whether this is a DEFCON 1 situation or just mildly unnerving given the context. If he has given you reason to doubt him in the past, obviously this could be a much bigger deal than if this is the first ever time he’s stepped over the line.

He very well might have omitted the information in order to avoid confrontation. Kind of cowardly and stupid, but not necessarily malicious. I’d be honest with him about how receiving the information second-hand made you feel.

Post # 11
Member
11774 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I would not be OK that he didn’t tell you ahead of time, and saw no reason to run it by you, include you, or tell you after the fact. These things are not oversights. For whatever reason, he was not planning to tell you. 

Post # 12
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

There’s 0% chance he forgot.  If he’s never given you a chance not to trust him before, I’d maybe let this go.  But this would be his only chance for me because now you do have a reason to distrust him.

Post # 13
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

I would not be happy, especially considering the length of their relationship, since it was presumably quite serious. I don’t understand why he would conceal it from you, because I agree – no way he simply forgot. I would discuss this with your FI. While I don’t think he’s cheating or anything like that, it does seem like a breach of trust.

Post # 14
Member
6061 posts
Bee Keeper

I would have no issues with him going for coffee with this person. 

However. 

1 – he lied to you. He didn’t forget.  

2 – he tried to keep it from you. Would he have ever told you if your friend hadn’t?

3 – he didnt respect your relationship enough to run it past you prior – or even let you know. Okay, so you skip over 1 and 2, but not even a “hey Im going for coffee with Kristina tonight. She’s back in town” 

And all of those I’m NOT ok with. I think one of the reasons I’m ok with my husband having female friends/hanging out solo/etc is that we are so honest about it. If he was ever this shady I would have a hard time believing him or trusting him. 

I think you really need to get him to understand why what he did was so shitty. I don’t think you need to break up over it, but he doesn’t seem to realize how shady he was/is being about this. 

Post # 15
Member
290 posts
Helper bee

He didn’t forget of course. If he’d just naturally and calmly mentioned it to you, then you’d also know that his feelings for her are done and he’s emotionally with you now in a new place. But he didn’t tell you. And if I were you, it would make me wonder why.

Maybe he’s curious to see if something is still there. Maybe closure. Or maybe he still has feelings. Whatever the reason, he’s struck a huge blow to the trust between a couple. But he didn’t forget. He communicated with her prior, they met and had a catch up, and he still didn’t talk about it until he was found out. 

When people tell stories that don’t add up there’s always a sneaky reason why. I’d let this go – maybe download the F circle app and have my own back until I find no further reaon not to just move on and trust him again, or the doubts are proved right. 

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