FI met his first girlfriend last week and I only got to know today

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 226
Member
10569 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

liyag :  

Bee, this stuff tends to be like peeling an onion.  You find layer after layer of bad stuff once you start the unraveling.  Sometimes, it’s essential to peel back all the layers so you can get a clear picture of what a true jackass the guy is.  That’s what snaps you out of denial.  It makes you angry and that anger is galvanizing.

The Bees are right about the other woman.  She’s a non entity.  She has no obligation to you and never did; you have no relationship with her. Did she know he was engaged?  Maybe.  So what?  Maybe her standards are low.  If anything, you should be sending her a very big, very expensive bouquet.  You are deeply indebted to this woman.  She rescued you.  Had she not showed up, you would have married a lying sack.  The father of your children would have been a cheating scumbag to whom you would have been tethered for life.

Divorce is financially devastating, messy, and agonizing.

Yes, he absolutely should pay his half of the rent.  Where he lives is irrelevant.  A roommate or tenant is expected to give notice before they move out.  Where I live, 30 days is the norm.  You are certainly entitled to that.  It’s basic decency.

 

 

Post # 227
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

sassy411 :  All of this. 

This misogynistic douchenoodle keeps talking about women manipulating him, playing the victim when he’s actually the POS treating everyone else badly. 

He was with his ex for many years, she didn’t want to relocate back to their hometown for his benefit without a commitment (completely understandable) and he claims this was ‘manipulating’ him into a proposal. So IMO he was a POS to her too and it’s a huge mystery to me why she’d entertain the thought of taking up with him again. I also don’t believe that she moved back even partially in the hopes of being with him, I think that’s his massive ego retelling this story and I’d be willing to bet he was the one contacting her. 

As for you, you sound like such a lovely, reasonable person who deserves so much better than this liar and player. I’m very sorry that you’re hurting now and I know this is hard for you to get through, but I truly believe that future happy you will look back on this as a bullet you dodged. Best of luck to you. 

Post # 228
Member
3907 posts
Honey bee

A man who accuses his ex of bad behavior/characteristics is one to be avoided at all cost. 

Post # 230
Member
2749 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

liyag :  glad he’s at least doing the right thing about the rent/ ring.  

crustyoldbee :  this

Post # 231
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

liyag :  He’s found somewhere to stay until whenever he finds a house? Hope he’s not staying with this ex “friend”.

But it’s good to see that he’s paying his share of the rent.

Post # 232
Member
6535 posts
Bee Keeper

liyag :  Get it all in writing–him paying the rent for three months and you keeping the ring. Send him an email stating ‘ I just wish to confirm that you have agreed to pay your share of the rent through November or until I find a roommate. I also wish to confirm that you do not wish for me to return my engagement ring.” And ask for a response.

He feels bad now. As you’ve already, painfully, learned he is prone to change his mind and you don’t need him asking for the ring back in six months after you’ve already sold it. You don’t need any other surprises. You are handling all of this so well. Hugs.

And yes, this other woman crossed some lines by reaching out to him. She knocked on the door. But he chose to open it. This is on him. She really has done you a favor. As hard as this is it would be so much harder if you were already married and learned he was still considering his options.

They may just find they are not the same people they were three years ago. He seems to have a ‘grass is greener’ problem. Don’t be surprised if he reaches out to you a year from now. Be strong. He is not worthy of you. Hugs.

Post # 233
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

 

beethree :  solid advice

OP – I’m so sorry that you are going through this, but you are clearly a strong woman; give yourself some time to heal and enjoy life, and know you will find true love and happiness when ready.

Post # 234
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

beethree :  yesss this is DEFINITELY some solid advice.

Post # 236
Member
3193 posts
Sugar bee

liyag :  all the virtual hugs.

Post # 237
Member
658 posts
Busy bee

liyag :  sending you support. The shock is a terrible thing to weather. Be gentle to yourself , let yourself sleep as much as you need … vent here if you need to. You’re incredible, clearly a person of integrity, even refusing to snoop, when you had cause to do so- 

you’re being set free for much better things ahead, but the shock, and subsequent fiancé-detox process absolutely sucks. 

Post # 238
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry, bee. Good for you for resisting the pressure/temptation to snoop, you’re an honorable person (better than I would have been in your shoes) and did not deserve this. You are far better off without him. Sending you strength.

Post # 239
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee

liyag :  Hugs, Bee. You’re stronger than you know. This will be hard, but you will come out on the other side and find someone who is worthy and deserving of your love. You did so well by him… it’s a shame he couldn’t reciprocate. 

Post # 240
Member
333 posts
Helper bee

Firstly… why does he NEED to reconnect with an ex?

Not ok whether he told you or not. He is getting married and needs to forget about her… and if he can’t then he doesn’t need to be getting married to you. 

I mean my first serious Boyfriend or Best Friend and I are cool… both now married to other ppl. But I would NEVER meet up with him out of respect of my husband… and HIS wife. If I were single I still wouldn’t meet up with him because he isn’t single. 

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