FI met his first girlfriend last week and I only got to know today

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
53 posts
Worker bee

liyag :  Soooo… let me get this straight.

He didn’t tell you when she first reached out to him.  

He didn’t tell you that he was planning to meet with her.

He didn’t tell you afterwards that they got coffee.  (or mention it in any conversation for a WEEK!)

And you only found out because someone saw them and told you.


Yeah, regardless of his/her intentions, this isn’t good. He “forgot” to tell you a lot of things, not just one.  Did you even know she had moved back to the area? 

Post # 17
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Toronto, Ontario

liyag :  I’m going to start off by saying that: sneaky recognizes sneaky and this is 100% what I used to do when I was young (and clearly not in love). I had an ex that used to reach out to me all the time when he came back from school away, and even though it was for a coffee/lunch and completely innocent – in my mind they were little sneaky flirty dates that I loved and would always “forget to mention” to my ex-bf at the time, that I saw him for coffee that day . Needless to say, although innocent, it is a boundary that I shouldn’t have crossed. There will always be history there and it can create some “open doors” in your heart. It is not a good look to be seen around town with an ex, and now that I found my FH, I realized that I would never want to disrespect him like that. 

It sounds crazy – but I wish my bf at the time, created some boundaries for our relationship, and asked me to not hang out with exes (without being controlling of course). I think hanging out with exes can bring up ideas of “what if..” I am a strong believer that exes cannot be simply friends..



Post # 18
177 posts
Blushing bee

liyag :  ooo ya not okay 3 years ago is not that long and I assume there was no other girlfriends in between you two

Also.. he obviously did not forget, I would be really offended if my husband thought I was that naive..

Honestly if I was her I would only be asking to meet up if I wanted to rekindle something.. exes are often not friends and I would never have an ex as my first person to call even if parted ways well

Post # 19
372 posts
Helper bee

It seems weird. I certainly don’t like the omission, plus the timeline doesn’t fully make sense. If they broke up 3 years ago but she’s been gone for 1/2 a decade, does that mean that they were trying to make things work long distance for awhile? I’d so, they were clearly trying very hard to hold on to the relationship.

It just feels like he had no intention of telling you about this rendezvous. Even if you let it go for now, there’s a bit of mistrust that has been built and I would watch more carefully.

Post # 20
587 posts
Busy bee

Um no. That’s shady as hell. 

Post # 22
8547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

I agree with the others. There is no way he forgot. I would be pretty ticked too! 

Post # 23
177 posts
Blushing bee

 iyag :  when did he meet you after the break up and when did he propose?

Post # 25
193 posts
Blushing bee

You should not “ let it go this time” why wouldn’t he tell you that she contacted him and wanted to meet up? Better yet why wouldn’t he bring you along to meet her? He should be like “this is my fiancé!”  Maybe he just didn’t know what to do, but that’s exactly why he should have said something to you instead of you finding out about it the way you did. Talk to him and let him know that you don’t appreciate the way he handled it. Sometimes good guys and or gals make bad choices it doesn’t make them the worse person in the world. Talk to him and flip the script and I’m sure he’ll understand how you feel and how inappropriate it looks. Good luck!

Post # 26
2823 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

liyag :  yeah I’m not buying it either.  As a pp pointed out. He “forgot” multiple times.  1. He didn’t mention she moved back.  2 He didn’t mention he agreed to meet her.  3. He didn’t mention that he actually went to meet her.  You only found out because someone saw them!

Despite being engaged to you, I think he’s checking to make sure he didn’t let the “right one” get away….

Although some would disagree,  I would do some undercover sleuthing, Facebook, phone etc

Post # 28
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I’d be miffed as well if my FH did this to me. I’d be annoyed even though we are poly and allowed to sleep with whoever we want. It’s a basic courtesy to give your partner a heads up, and it sounds like he had a significant history with her. And were you the very next relationship?? 

Talk to him about it, call him out, communicate your disappointment and expectations, but I wouldn’t actively snoop around at this point. By “snoop” I mean tracking his phone, secretly going through it, or anything invasive. Looking at social media is reasonable. It’s not fair that he put you in this position. Hopefully he sees his wrongs. If he tries to turn this on you, red flag. I think his response will tell you a lot more than what his phone will. 

Post # 29
2510 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah I think it’s much sketchier now that you’ve provided details – that they were together from 15-23, that they only broke up ~3 years ago, and that you are only his second serious relationship and came so close after the end of the last. I think that makes the omission much larger than if this was, say, a girlfriend he dated for a year at 17, then went to college and dated others, then met you years later. He has some explaining to do.  

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