FI met his first girlfriend last week and I only got to know today

posted 6 days ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee

To clarify: I DO NOT think you should just “let it go”. He needs to know how this interraction affected you, and you need to know that he cares about how it affected you. He also needs to know that his excuse of “oh, I forgot” does not hold water, whether or not it’s genuine. I’m not going to lie, your updates concern me a little more than your original post did. Speaking as someone who has been with her SO as long as your fiance and his first girlfriend were together, that’s a lot of shared history. Long distance can muddle things, it can make the relationship difficult in ways that are hard for a young couple to handle, and their reunion could trigger a shift in perspective. If it were me, I’d want him to spell out his motivations with absolutely no ambiguity, otherwise I’d have a hard time sleeping after something like this.

 

Post # 33
Member
391 posts
Helper bee

*Do not* let this slide. This is the time to find out exactly what you need to know about a person before you make a lifelong commitment. And his behavior is saying things I sure as heck wouldn’t like. Forget whatever comes out if his mouth… how is he conducting himself in private, when you’re not around, etc? Observe. That’s all you need to do. Then decide if you are 100% comfortable with his -behavior-. Words/apologies are cheap. 

Post # 34
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

Did they meet at all after their break up while he was dating you? 

Post # 35
Member
9324 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think you really need to have a stark conversation with him that this was not acceptable behavior and that it introduces doubt into what you thought was a very strong relationship. That you would not have minded if he had asked but now it seems like he was hiding things, etc.

I also think it’s 100% fine to say you’re not comfortable with him meeting with her again, or having a friendship. That was a long relationship with a lot of history.

Post # 36
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Have they been communicating since this coffee date a week + ago? I’d be doing some sleuthing.

Post # 39
Member
1984 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I would totally do some sleuthing.  I trust my husband completely.  But if I find out he’s meeting up with an ex and hiding it from me?  Fuck.  THAT.  All trust is gone, as is his right to privacy, because obviously he doesn’t deserve privacy because he’s using it to be a shady shadester.

I would snoop around.  Sorry not sorry.

Post # 40
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee

liyag :  liyag :  there’s literally no way he met up with her and then “forgot” about it. I’d be pretty sketched out based on the fact that she reached out to him and he agreed to meet up with her, didn’t tell you about it even *after* the meetup, then when confronted about it he chose to lie and say he “forgot”. you don’t “forget” that you met up with someone after making predetermined plans. he wouldn’t have even “forgotten” if he’d run into her in the grocery store. it’s not like she’s some random stranger—they were together for what, 8 years?

 

i don’t think he’s cheating or anything based on what you’ve told us here, but he was definitely being sneaky and lied to you. that needs to be addressed, IMO. firstly why he thought it wasn’t okay to lie, and secondly why he felt like he had something to hide…

Post # 41
Member
6020 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

liyag :  I would have a conversation with him and just present the entire situation to him in reverse. How would he feel if you heard from a significant ex in your life, communicated with him, arranged and attended a meetup and conveniently forgot to mention all of it until one of his friends outed you? What would he think that said about your level of respect for him and this relationship? Would he honestly be okay with you behaving in that way?

If you have felt him to be trustworthy thus far, then I think you should treat this as a boundary crossing/testing and a dumbass moment from him. Clarify the boundary, get back on the same page and make it clear to him that this is not a behavior that you agree to in your relationship so him doing it is a violation that should not happen again. (be clear, too, that it’s the sneaking and the lying by omission, not the meet up since you said you would have been fine with it if you’d known about it.).

I don’t think you need to start snooping and spying, though. You should have more self respect (and shit to do with your days and your time) than to start tracking a man. If you are at that point, your relationship is done and it’s time to move on.

Post # 43
Member
11774 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

mrstodd2bee :  “Despite being engaged to you, I think he’s checking to make sure he didn’t let the “right one” get away….”

Yes, the timing, after the Fiance is engaged to be married, but before the wedding, is interesting.

Post # 44
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

weddingmaven :  But it seems to have more to do with the ex coming back to where the OP lives rather than reconnecting before marriage. 

Post # 45
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

Just pointing out that I do not keep track of where my exes live- so I wouldn’t be pissed that he didn’t tell you she had moved back. He should have told you the rest. End of story. A serious conversation needs to be had, but I don’t think I would sleuth around, then YOU are the one being sneaky and the trust has already been shaken up, don’t make it worse by looking through his stuff. 

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