FI met his first girlfriend last week and I only got to know today

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
874 posts
Busy bee

liyag :  this is unacceptable. He lied to you. There is absolutely no way he forgot to mention he met up with her. He purposely kept that from you. Who knows why, but at best he’s lying to you and at worst still not over his ex. Both are bad situations.

At the minimum, you need to tell him that this was NOT acceptable and he has a lot of explaining to do. He needs to explain to you how he consciously and deliver made plans with an ex behind your back in advance and met up with her and did not inform you of this.

The frustrating thing here is it probably would have been fine if he had just told you about it in advance. You are clearly not a jealous person and if he has nothing to hide, why did he hide it, especially if you would have been cool with it? 

Dont let him off the hook so easily. He needs to know this isn’t going to be tolerated 

Post # 47
Member
3672 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

liyag :  OP, He didn’t forget to tell you. He purposely didn’t tell you a BUNCH of things. Would you have told him if one of your ex’s reached out? If you’d had a conversation with them? If you were planning on meeting up with them? It’s not like he randomly ran into her and sat down for a few mins, they planned to meet up and he PLANNED to not tell you. There’s a reason for that, and I’d be checking his phone to see what that reason is. I’ve been cheated on WAY too many times to let something like that slip without asking more questions. You can let it go, but I wouldn’t do that before you have all the information and right now, he’s only giving you tiny crumbs of the whole story. You’re his fiance, you deserve the whole story.

Post # 48
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee

jannigirl :   KittyYogi :  Seriously? Adult love means never having to secretly dig through your partner’s search history. If it’s come to that, you’re right, the trust is gone, but if that’s the case, it’s probably time to think about ending the relationship. Answering shady behavior with shady behavior is not the answer.

 

 

Post # 49
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I do not understand his desire to want to catch up with the ex. Both got their egos stroked from this- him from an old girlfriend wanting to be back in touch with him, and for her especially if she knows he’s taken that would be a big one for her. Why catch up? They certainly have a lot of time on their hands to entertain this, especially since you’re engaged to this man. What can be confusing for someone in your shoes is the fact so many people do shady things like this. We try to sweep it under the rug and get over it and chalk it up to just being insecure. But that’s not how it should be. It tells us this behavior is ok, and more people participate in it and get away with it. Well why not, everyone’s doing it! You’d be insecure to be hurt, you don’t want to be insecure, do you? There’s not a damn thing wrong with being extremely hurt by this and it has nothing to do with insecurity. Those two are the insecure ones because they so needed to be back in touch and feel desired. The potential company/conversation could not possibly be that good for an engaged man to meet up with an ex girlfriend and not tell his fiancé. Meet up for what? Why? Was it so necessary? And to then hide it, an engaged guy seeing his ex and never telling his fiancé about it? He should not have done what he did. He hid it from you and lied to you when he shouldn’t have even wanted to meet up with the ex girlfriend from back then since he’s with you. 

Post # 50
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

ecrisrien :  Yes seriously.  You would rather just break up with your partner because you weren’t sure you could trust him, than actually try to figure it out?  Not me. 

I wouldn’t dream of snooping through my husband’s stuff right now, because I trust him.  OP’s guy?  Nope.  IMO he lost that right at least temporarily when he was super shady.  “People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.”  Why on earth was he lying to her about this?  I’m in my late 30s now and I’ve had too many friends who have been cheated on and blindsided to just accept a bullshit line about “forgetting”, or try having a come-to-Jesus talk that really just tips him off to be sneakier.

Edit to add: I totally get that other people think this is wrong period, and I totally respect that.  Each to their own.  But I don’t think that everyone deserves absolute privacy from their life partner when they’ve been untrustworthy and lying.

Post # 51
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I agree with everyone else- there is NO WAY he ‘forgot’ to tell you. But I’m wondering if this type of sneaky behaviour is actually quite usual for him…based only on the fact that you said that you guys met 6 months before him/her split up and they were long distance.  Sounds like there may have been some emotional infidelity if nothing else and within that would be more sneaking around/omitting/forgetting.  ??

Post # 54
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

What sticks out to me is that you guys are engaged and he didnt meet up with both of you. He should have told this ex of his we will have to pick a time that works for my fiance and I. You guys are engaged he shouldn’t need to “catch up” and be alone with an ex. If it was innocent he should have had you a long.

Post # 55
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

liyag :  forgot to add its really odd the man you are gonna marry didn’t tell you he was in contact with an ex. That isn’t shit you forget to tell a fiance unless you are purposely hiding it

Post # 56
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

ecrisrien :  ehh I would argue if that was his reason that is malicious so what it’s worth it to lie to your own fiance for fear of upsetting her so you can meet up with an ex? Like where do your priorities lie in not hurting your fiance or passing up on a hangout with some chic you used to date who should be nobody to you at this point.

To me its the principle of the fact that he felt the need to keep it from his fiance because in his mind he would rather risk it than meet with the ex. Or how about instead of hiding it for fear she would get upset he tells this ex of his hey let me check with OP on her schedule so we can all meet up together. After all its innocent right?

Post # 57
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

Maybe he thought you’d be upset and not cool with it if he told you. Still, now that you know, you should tell him what you’re feeling and that you wouldn’t be comfortable with them meeting again unless you were accompanying your fiancé. 

Post # 58
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee

KittyYogi :  No, I would rather have an adult conversation with him. But if I found myself worrying about whether I would be “tipping him off” by doing so, honestly, yes, I would probably consider breaking it off. That’s a huge red flag for me. 

Post # 59
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

ecrisrien :  he broke that trust. Best to know whether there’s more or if this is it. I don’t mind snooping. And I wouldn’t mind being snooped on. Heck. Just look at the cell phone bill & see how often they’re in contact. 

Post # 60
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

Maybe I’m crazy, but there isn’t a person alive who isn’t curious about their ex boyfriends/girlfriends. It is totally normal. It doesn’t mean you want to be with them but you spent a period of your life with them. I think the less you worry about this the better. There are always going to be temptations out there whether from exes or people either one of you might meet in the future. Don’t give more power to what was probably a one time meeting. Actually, I think it is healthy to be totally sure before you marry someone. Maybe it was actually a good thing to see his ex and realize he picked the right woman-YOU.  

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