FI met his first girlfriend last week and I only got to know today

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
11802 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

slivergreen90 :  Maybe. But I also think both of those can be true at the same time. For that matter, do we know the ex really did so “recently” move to town, that it was she who reached out not him, or that it was only this one meetup? That’s the trouble with these things. Once the trust is broken you really don’t know what to believe. 

Post # 62
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

ecrisrien :  100% this.  If your relationship is in such a state that you need to go Columbo on your partner, you may as well save yourself some time and just end it

Post # 63
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

weddingmaven :  You’re right because we only know what OP’s Fiance told her.

He might have lied upon being taken by surprise that she knew.

Post # 65
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

I guess I don’t see what the big deal is.  They had coffee.  It wasn’t even a big enough deal on his radar of that day’s activities to tell you.  They’ve been broken up for 3 years.   He’s engaged to you.

I’d let this go. 

If you don’t trust him, then end the engagement.  

Post # 66
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

PaperQueen :  the fact he didn’t tell her he was even in contact with an ex. Or that he didn’t include his wife to be in this hangout or that he wasn’t up front with her.  I expect 100% openness and transparency if I’m gonna marry someone and to be included especially if this is an ex. No need to meet up with an ex you haven’t spoken to in years and if you are engaged what’s the point?

Post # 67
Member
428 posts
Helper bee

26 years old, and this very long, significant relationship ended only 3 years ago, and it was complicated because she moved..  I am almost twice your age, so as an old lady I can say I’ve been in your fiance’s shoes, and I’ve been in your shoes, and I’ve been the ex-gf’s shoes.  I’ve learned that we are all a work in progress and all relationships are a learning process.  At your age, there’s still a lot to learn. This can be a great opportunity for you to know your man better and be clear about your boundaries.

Your fiance is flirting with the “what if.”  That’s why he kept this from you.  He needs to learn that, if he feels the need to hide something from you or omit something or fudge the details of something…it’s probably because it’s not the right or respectful or honest or loving thing to do in the first place.  And that should give him pause and send him right to you to talk about it, like, “hey, my ex is back in town and I want to catch up and see what she’s been up to.  What do you think?”

That conversation could bring you closer together, if he can open up and, for example, tell you he was really messed up when she moved away from him after all that time together and how it fucked up their relationship and that was hurtful so he wanted to see her to brag about how happy he is with his fiance and his life…  Or to see if there was still anything there and to do a gut check on what he’s thinking about marriage… Plus curiousity, like going to your 10 year class reunion….  Lots of conflicting, complicated emotions he probably hasn’t sorted through.

If he can talk with you about this, it would bring the two of you closer together.  You also would be able to give him your own thoughts and feelings to consider.  Explain how it makes you feel and remind him that if he doesn’t want to tell you about it, maybe that’s exactly the reason he SHOULD.  Can you two have honest, vulnerable, raw conversations like that?  If you can, you should talk with him and let him tell you what kinds of conficting thoughts he’s having on this situation. 

My advice is to ask him why he wanted to meet with her, and was it weird, and is it weird now.  You are his best friend and confidant.  If he can confide his feelngs to you, this whole situation is quickly defused.  If he instead becomes defensive, tell him it’s ok to feel conflicted right now, but it’s not ok to shut you out of it. 

If I’m off base, then yeah, agree  with all the PP, he has already taken several steps down a slippery slope.

 

Post # 68
Member
44 posts
Newbee

PaperQueen :  Seriously.

I don’t see why he couldn’t have simply not mentioned it because it was a quick meet up with no intention to meet again.

If he’s done nothing dodgy before, you should give him the benefit of doubt. 

Post # 69
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

chocco :  I think the dodgy part is fiance was not part of this meeting and he didny even mention he was talking to this ex.

Post # 70
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

chocco :  Yes, seriously.  Wouldn’t have bothered me.  Maybe it’s because I met my husband at his ex-girlfriend’s wedding.  Just because they decided to have a coffee together and catch up doesn’t mean they are getting back together.

Who knows why he didn’t mention it.  Maybe he forgot.  Maybe they had a busy day and didn’t see each other that evening.  Maybe it’s because she doesn’t matter to him.  Maybe it’s because he knew she would go all crazy over it.  Who knows.  The only way to find out is to talk to him about it.  

Post # 72
Member
11802 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

izzabella :  “Or to see if there was still anything there and to do a gut check on what he’s thinking about marriage… Plus curiousity, like going to your 10 year class reunion….  Lots of conflicting, complicated emotions he probably hasn’t sorted through.

If he can talk with you about this, it would bring the two of you closer together.”

If anyone I was hypothetically engaged to told me he wanted to see if there was still something there with an ex, and needed a gut check on marriage, I assure you it most certainly would not have brought us closer together! YMMV

Post # 73
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

For those saying “he just forgot”or “It was such not a big deal that he didn’t even mention it” ….

In what world does “Hey babe how was your day?” not met with “Oh I met up with my ex who was my first love and I dated for 7 years and haven’t seen since we broke up” ?? It just slipped his mind? How is that possible? Lol it’s not. 

Post # 74
Member
751 posts
Busy bee

 

What will happen if you ‘let it go’?

I don’t think that mentally you will be able to just ‘let it go’.

He didn’t forget, he purposely hid the meeting from you.

Something similar happened with me except this guy was my bf, not Fiance. And it happened again and again after I had decided to let it go. Now I am not saying all men are the same (though they are very similar but I digress…) What I am saying is that if it doesn’t make sense, it isn’t the truth.

Like why even agree to meet up with her to catch up? What are they catching up on? And to what end? Who cares if she moved back? She wasn’t there for years. What’s the sense in catching up when he already knows that it will be bad for his current relationship with you. And I can’t see any reason why anyone with half a pea brain wouldn’t see that there’s zero future in them cultivating a ‘friendship’ at this stage. Their meeting was unnecessary, useless, and most of all disrespectful to his current relationship.

Post # 75
Member
751 posts
Busy bee

 

RayofLight :  “maybe download the F circle app”

 

What is that?

Sorry to be a dum-dum here but I tried to Google this and came up with lots of ‘location finder’ apps. 

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