FI met his first girlfriend last week and I only got to know today

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 76
Member
751 posts
Busy bee

 

yassim :  “What can be confusing for someone in your shoes is the fact so many people do shady things like this. We try to sweep it under the rug and get over it and chalk it up to just being insecure. But that’s not how it should be. It tells us this behavior is ok, and more people participate in it and get away with it. Well why not, everyone’s doing it! You’d be insecure to be hurt, you don’t want to be insecure, do you? There’s not a damn thing wrong with being extremely hurt by this and it has nothing to do with insecurity. “

WELL SAID! AMEN GIRL! innocent

Post # 78
Member
751 posts
Busy bee

 

liyag :  Wrong questions to ask, liyag.

You don’t want to know why he wanted to meet her and what it was like meeting her. You know you don’t give two sh*ts about her. 

You want to know one thing and one thing ONLY: WHY did he not tell you? 

Other related questions: You want to know why he thinks you’re so stupid that him telling you that he ‘forgot’ is going to fly with you.  Why he found it absolutely necessary to meet her.

 

Entirely too many women (at times myself included at a much younger time), would ask dumb questions because the answers are easy, or ‘what I want to hear from my man which will determine how I feel about myself and our relationship’. But the real story behind those which we never ask is the ones that these men can also not answer. And if there is no answer, you know there was no reason to behave in that certain way.

I strongly feel that you need to nullify your engagement, or at the very least, prolong your wedding date as LONG AS POSSIBLE because I am 99.9% sure he is going to meet up with her again, and there is a train wreck waiting to happen. As a fellow bee, I just don’t want you to be in the middle of that.

 

Post # 79
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

He didn’t forget. That’s bs. How could he “forget” to mention her? 

Who knows why he is lying. It could just be because he didn’t want you to get mad. Or, there could be something more sinister happening.

I would be beyond pissed if my husband did this. The lying would really make me angry. My husband knows that I hate getting lied to more than about anything. 

Post # 80
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

He didn’t forget to tell you, he just didn’t want you to know. Hopefully it was innocent but I’d be pissed anyway and I’d probably be pressing him for more info on why they even had to meet up in the first place.

Post # 81
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

Yes it’s a tracking app. 

 liyag :  i think it needs a text message to accept the tracking on their phone though. So either do it when he’s in the shower or find another one that doesn’t use a text. Then sit back and wait for inconsistencies to show up. Don’t say anything, for 2-4 months, just track your little friend and a pattern will show up on his daily routine. Home, work, gym, grocery run, parents place, boring boring boring, then suddenly, coffee shop when he said he’d be late at work.

he has broken your trust and I couldn’t turn this guy from a a maybe to a yes, even without tracking him. I’d be so wary of this whole relationship at this point. 

Post # 82
Member
542 posts
Busy bee

queenie8119 :  

I agree. The meeting was not innocent and that is why he is hiding it. 

OP, be careful about marrying a man who “forgets” to share such important information. 

Post # 83
Member
44 posts
Newbee

RayofLight :  That’s like assuming this guy is cheating. Also, if he finds out that she’s tracking him, it’s going to seriously damage their relationship. 

Post # 84
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard about men saying  “I forgot” or “I didn’t mention it as I didn’t think it was important” for meeting up with a woman, usually an ex, I would be loaded. What is with this BS storyline they tell!?!

I’m suspicious that they’ve apparently only met once and that this is the time your friend saw him?! Unless you live in a very small town I would be skeptics that this has happened more that he’s let on.

Sorry bee

 

xo

Post # 85
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

OP, I agree with most of the PP’s that he didn’t forget to tell you. That’s a convenient white lie. At least he’s being honest that he felt good seeing her. I think you were correct to ask that question. Part of the reason you care that he saw her is his motive, and the fact that she has a significant history with him.

I think there are definite red flags. Your relationship came pretty soon after the last. It seems like you got engaged fairly quick. But these are things you should be discussing with him directly. Ask him if he still has feelings for her. That is your business because he’s supposed to be committing to you. Ask him if he assumed you would not be ok with you seeing her. Ask why he didn’t invite you. I’ve asked my bf a lot of questions about his exes, partly out of nosiness and partly to gauge our own relationship.

I feel that going behind his back to bug his phone is extreme. If he were to find out, that would potentially be a relationship breaker. You don’t have actual proof he cheated. 

You either trust him or you don’t. If you feel compelled to and justified in going through his phone without his knowledge or consent, the trust is already broken and you’re taking further action to violate his trust. Even if he is cheating, his phone might not reveal anything. 

Maybe I’m all wrong about this, it’s harder for me to relate because I’m poly. But I do feel that a relationship has to be based on open communication and trust, rather than actively spying on him or forbidding him from seeing her. That is controlling behavior. If you feel the need to do either, the relationship is already damaged, perhaps beyond repair. If he refuses to fess up about his white lie that he “forgot”, that tells you a lot about his honesty (or lack thereof) and you don’t even need to go through his phone to confirm some degree of deceit.

Good luck, Bee. Don’t jump to conclusions, but also keep your eyes and ears open.

Post # 85
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Double posted 

Post # 88
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee

I’m quite a chill person when it comes to this kind of stuff and usually I am the last person to say a guy is cheating, I actually wrote a few posts recently about how the bee is too quick imo to label a guy a cheater. However, this situation is extremely dodgy to me for a few reasons:

1) She is a long term ex girlfriend and they only reason they broke up was due to distance and that happened right before you met, this has now been resolved by her moving back. Therefore, this meeting is anything but two “friends” catching up imo. If this were someone he had a casual fling with years ago or an ex he has remained friends with I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but it’s not.

2) He apparently forgot to tell you that he was meeting her. I really don’t see how his long term ex he broke up with just before he met you moving back to town and asking to meet up would be that minor of an event it would completely slip his mind. There’s practically no chance that he forgot, he decided not to tell you. He didn’t just forget to tell you they were meeting up he also forgot to tell you she got in touch and they’re talking. 

There’s two possibilities here in my mind; his intentions are innocent, but he knew you would react badly so chose not to tell you OR his intentions are not innocent and he was planning to never tell you as he’s debating getting back with her. 

In your shoes I would demand to see his phone and their messages, he broke your trust by going behind your back to meet her so I think you’re justified in wanting proof their meeting was purely platonic. There is a chance he has deleted his messages, but I would still want to check in case he hasn’t. I would also ask him to be completely honest with me about his feelings for her and then say that you’re not happy for them to meet again, gauge his reaction and go from there. If the messages and his answers and reaction check out then I think you’re just going to have to trust him, however, if something seems off I would continue to probe and trust your gut. 

 

Post # 89
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

Putting a tracking app on his phone would be an overreaction. Wait and see how he is around you for the next few weeks. 

Post # 90
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Haven’t posted in a while, but had to log on cause I couldn’t resist.

I am seriously SHOCKED at the bees telling her that if she snoops, it will damage their relationship and “hurt her fiancé if he finds out”.

Uhhhh, I think the damage was done when the person she’s about to commit herself to FOR LIFE went sneaking around with a woman he dated for multiple years and hid it from her. She wasn’t an out-of-town friend who wanted to catch up. She was an ex — that he was in love with — who’s relationship ended because she MOVED AWAY. And now she’s BACK. Let’s all do the math here.

Whether this was innocent or not… he deliberately lied. Period. He didn’t forget. He was in touch with an ex, actively made plans to meet her, followed through with those plans, and never once mentioned it to his fiancée.

OP, this is a person you are about to marry. Divorce is expensive and a huge hassle. . I would definitely be doing some investigating to see to what degree he has been in contact with her. To be honest, the fact that it WASN’T an amicable breakup would be sending more red flags to me… that means there are usually unresolved feelings there. Chances are, your fiancé was “testing the waters” to see if, now that she’s back in town, there’s a chance they still had chemistry. 

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