FI met his first girlfriend last week and I only got to know today

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

RayofLight :  By by definition, an innocent meet up with an ex isnt an option here. An innocent meet up would require him to be transparent about it. At the very least, once caught, an innocent meet up would require he cop to that fact that he didn’t tell her for whatever reason (not “I forgot “). He didn’t tell her they had reconnected on facebook, or agreed to meet up or in fact did meet.

He is behaving like someone who has something to hide. Finding out what precisely he is hiding could be helpful to OP, but I don’t think him acting in an upstanding fashion is going to be a reasonable conclusion just with what is known. And that’s a problem.

Someone once told me to never accept behaviour from someone else that you wouldn’t do to them. OP, would you ever in a million years have treated him like this? My guess is no.

Post # 107
Hostess
3810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

KittyYogi :  In what world does “Hey babe how was your day?” not met with “Oh I met up with my ex who was my first love and I dated for 7 years and haven’t seen since we broke up” ?? It just slipped his mind?

Amen!!!  I am much much longer removed from my first love than OP’s fiance and I 100% would tell my D.H. if I ran into my ex or if he reached out to me to meet up. 

Post # 108
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

I definitely wouldn’t put a tracking device on his phone, but I would suggest driving by and checking if his car is wherever he says he’s going to be occasionally as an option.  That’s how I figured out my ex was cheating on me.  Having to snoop sucks, but that’s what lying causes.  I felt insane as I was doing it and had never spied on him before ever, but I had a gut feeling because he was telling me things that didn’t add up. 

Post # 109
Member
42 posts
Newbee

RayofLight :   Her postponing an engagemnt because he grabbed a coffee with his ex would be an over reaction and may make OP seem insecure and jealous and may even make his ex seem like the greener grass.

Let’s think about this though. She IS feeling insecure, as I think most people would in this situation. If telling her fi that she’s feeling insecure due to this episode is enough to make him think “the grass is greener,” then good riddance! They absolutely shouldn’t be getting married if his loyalty to her is that flimsy. You should be able to be honest with your partner about feelings like that without fear that he’s going to leave you over it. Pretending she’s totes cool with his shady behavior while she’s actually eaten up with angst over it is the last thing she or anyone should do in a relationship.

Post # 110
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee

brittnamrogo :  Your message about how you cannot believe bees are telling her not snoop came directly after two messages saying a tracking device would be a step too far, so I assumed you were talking about their replies. 

I would ask to see his phone so I could read their messages then if he seemed reluctant to let me or the messages looked like some content had been deleted I would snoop as a last resort just to get concrete proof before ending things, but a tracking app is completely insane imo. 

Post # 111
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

meegwan :  Many people are friends with exes on Facebook. That in itself is not a huge deal imo. That must have been how she reached out to him to meet. The red flag is that he hid the meeting then claimed he forgot to inform her. 

Post # 115
Member
874 posts
Busy bee

ariesscientist :  so I would do what you said about checking his phone but in the reverse order.

I would check his phone for the messages where they planned to meet up while he was in the shower or something. 

And then I’d start the boundaries conversation and depending on how he reacts, I’d then ask to see his phone for the messages. That way he doesn’t have an opportunity to delete anything and I’d know if he did.

Of course, he could have deleted everything already…

I usually don’t recommend snooping but in this case I think it’s warranted. If it were me I would want to know

Post # 116
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

Jeez I get it you think it’s insane how many times do you have to say it? I already said it may not be legal for her to do and it was just one idea out of many that posters are coming up with. It may not be in OP’s case but some people are in unsure footing with lying cheats and lose their minds trying to figure out what’s the truth between gaslighting and lies. Sometimes you gotta what you gotta do. If you’re in a great relationship with a totally open honest guy good for you, not everyone is. 

 ariesscientist :  

Post # 117
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

I agree, if this is something that makes him defensive or have second thoughts about his first relationship, it’s not a good sign. But OP has NO real proof that something untoward happened or that he lied about forgetting.  She has already tried talking to him and got more evasive tactics (I forgot) instead of the honest communication that you wrote about in your post which would suggest this to be a good relationship on the right track. He blew his chance to come clean, now either she drops the subject and moves on, or postpones her engagement because she’s unhappy they corresponded and met and she was unaware of it.

emilyofnewmoon :  

Or, third option, do what 

neverbeenstungbee :  said. 

Post # 118
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

In my opinion and for what I find acceptable vs unacceptable in a serious relationship, like being engaged, I would never EVER be ok with my fiance solo deciding he was going to meet up with an ex. For the people saying “maybe it was innocent, or for closure, or blah blah blah, but he thought she would get upset so he didn’t tell her” why is that no big deal? If my fiance did something and kept it a secret becaus he knew it would bother me how is that ok? He shouldn’t do something that would bother me! Why are my feelings less important that being able to meet with someone you used to be in a relationship with?? They shouldn’t be that’s for sure and if they are then we aren’t together anymore.

An ex is an ex, they should in no way be more important than a current SO, meeting them should never be more important than the feelings of a current SO because they are an EX, they no longer have any baring on your life. If someone is cool with their SO seeing, catcing up with, or being friends with an ex than cool, do it, but that needs to be determined together and not before deciding alone that you’re just going to do it because it’s not no big deal to some people.

If there’s nothing to hide you wouldn’t hide anything. He either didn’t tell you first because he really wanted to meet her, more than he cared about how you felt about it, and didn’t want to risk you saying you weren’t comfortable with it. Or because he’s having thoughts about her he shouldn’t be, testing the waters, maybe going further, who knows. It honestly doesn’t matter at this point. He didn’t give you the respect of making sure you were informed and comfortable with what he was doing and at this point I wouldn’t be able to trust what he had to say or that he has my best intrest at heart.

Post # 119
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee

RayofLight :  “Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do” and that includes installing secret tracking devices on people’s phones? Are you for real? If you’ve reached that point your relationship is over anyway, not only is that beyond creepy and stalkerish it shows you have 0 trust in your partner, and without trust what is the point?

I can’t even believe you and others would offer that as a genuine suggestion, there’s nothing that justifies tracking your partner’s every move, it’s a gross invasion of privacy, probably illegal and if you feel the need to do that because you have a lying untrustworthy partner you should end the relationship. 

Post # 120
Member
42 posts
Newbee

RayofLight :  I actually don’t disagree about the snooping. If it were me, I’d prob try to look through his phone while he was in the shower or something. 

But in any case, whether she could prove he lied about forgetting to tell her or not is moot in my mind. There’s no chance he “forgot” about something like that. He made the conscious decision not to tell her. If I were the OP, I wouldn’t even indulge my fi in a debate about it because I’m not going to sit there while someone insults my intelligence to my face. “I forgot to tell you” my ass. No.

I’d snoop the phone and then depending on what I did or didn’t find would have a come to Jesus talk where I laid it all out there and told him this episode had given me grave concerns about his faithfulness and his honesty. Depending on how he responded I’d either be done right then and there or might give him a second chance, but it would take some time to bounce back from this because at the very minimum, he was deceitful and trust has been broken.

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