(Closed) FI not interested in helping plan

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
2346 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

FeliciaRene:  LOL I head your.  Almost verbatim with the “tell me the date and time” bit.

How long have you been engaged?  I found my Fiance wanted nothing to do with it in the begining but now that we’re 7 months out and starting to make down payments, he’s really into it.  Honestly, the only thing he REALLY cares about is the food!!  I switched up the groomsmen vest colors on him and he was like “whatever”.  Oh, and he’s all about his ring.  But other than that, it’s been mostly my mom and I.  Granted, I don’t make any decisions without consulting him, but he’s pretty much “whatever you want” about it.

I wouldn’t worry, once you get closer, I’m sure he’ll be more involved.   

 

Post # 17
Member
3823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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FeliciaRene:  lol most men aren’t that into wedding planning. hate to put this into a box but wedding planning is kind of a woman thing. women are naturally more organized, and we tend to pay attention to detail. these are the two things that we love about wedding planning – the details! and planning everything! men just like hard clear facts. my husband said “let me know what you need me to do. this is our wedding and i trust that you will make wonderful decisions. have fun making decisions with your mom.” and i did! it’s just not a guy thing. get some girlfriends or your mom to help you plan. it’s a wonderful experience to mull over the details. trust that your Fiance will be there for when it counts – to make his vow to you and support you through life.

Post # 18
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

OP, that’s pretty much every guy. They just want to be married – they don’t care what color the bridal bouquet is and what favors to give the guests.

Post # 19
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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FeliciaRene:  At every venue we visited, FI’s ONLY question was “Can I upgrade the bar package?” Meanwhile, I had a list of like 50+ questions and was so embarrassed. Now that we’re planning more seriously, he’s into a few select things like the band and the booze. As for flowers, colors and table arrangements? He couldn’t care less. He looked at me like I was crazy when I brought up invitation suites the other day.

My point is, there has to be SOMETHING your Fiance cares about, even if it’s just the kinds of beer the venue serves. Find that thing or things and make it his responsibility. For example, Fiance is in charge of finding bands for us to look at, and he’s really having fun with it. Is he going to care about every little detail? No. But having him help and seeing him excited about certain things makes the whole planning process easier and more fun.

Post # 20
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My fiance has told me flat out that when someone asks him in a year what he remembers about the wedding, his answer will likely be “I got married”. He’s a foodie, so he cared about the menu. He also picked out the suits for himself and the groomsmen. But things like flowers, decor, etc? Hell no. His contribution to the decor was ” nothing out of jersey shore or that awful gypsy show. Otherwise, it’s all the same to me, ” 

Ask him if there’s anything he wants to be involved in (food and music are common ones) and ask for his input there. For stuff he doesn’t care about but you do, then take the initiative and make the decisions.

Post # 21
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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FeliciaRene:  I can totally relate. My Fiance couldn’t be less interested in the planning process. 

For the most part I am totally fine with it. I’m a planner by nature and also a bit of a control freak. I like things done my way so for that its better he is happy to stay out of my way. I also have loved that my parents want to be so involved. It has been a blast planning this whole thing with them being so excited about it. They have really been the biggest supporters throughout this process. 

I also have to remind myself that Fiance proposed only months before entering and incredibly intense career change. He went back to school for 24 consecutive months (he will be done in December) and as a result it means he is just generally more unavailable then he normally is for everything, not just wedding planning. 

The only part that I still struggle with sometimes is the fact that Fiance is, at the best of times, the king of not listening to me when I am asking for his opinion on something and then later reacting in shock and sometimes negativity as to why we are doing this or that. 

I’m praying this will not be the case on wedding day. I’m hopeful he just goes with the flow, appreciates the experience and doesn’t question too much because if he does I can’t be held accountable for my reaction 

Post # 22
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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Feist:  I’m sort of with you here. I was not real happy planning–it wasn’t really fun for me either and I didn’t think it was fair that I had to stress while he didn’t. So if the girl doesn’t like doing it, no reason she should suffer while he gets off scot free. 

On the other hand, if you love wedding planning but want him to be more involved, I suggest you accept he’s not as into it as you are and have fun shopping. 

For us, I was so not into it that for the first 3 months of our engagement I didn’t do shit. Finally he was like…”uh shouldn’t we pick a date and a venue?” so we started. I still mostly begrudgingly planned everything, but I gave him jobs. He found the venue, picked the beers, helped with guest list, booked honeymoon stuff and made most of the song list. I did the rest!

So I recommend figuring out what you really want his input on and what you want him to take care of. For some, that’s a 50/50 list, for others they just want the guy to take care of one or two things. 

Post # 23
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Im in the same boat (I think most women are). Heres what I do.

I asked him “Whats the most important thing to you when you go to a wedding?” My fiance said, good food, drink and making sure the music wasnt so loud that no one could talk. We’ve been at a few weddings where we had to yell to speek to someone sitting next to us.

Concentrate on getting opinions about those areas from him. For example because my fiance said the bar was important I asked him something like “What would make it better for you?” He said he had to have an open bar and that he would like a scotch tasting. Ta Da he gets a scotch tasting as something in the wedding that is all about the groom. 

As we explored this he also brought up “I hate it when they run out of cigars. At my brothers wedding the groom didnt even get a cigar because they ran out so fast.” So together we dicided that we (1) need to have cigars and (2) we’re having the bar tender keep an unopened box under the counter that only the groom can ask for. That way when hes ready to have an after dinner smoke he can get the box and hand it out to those who are imortant to him.

He doesnt care about things like flowers etc so I dont ask him. I just pick what I like and say, “do these look good to you” and I usually get “Ya, sure” or “Whatever you want honey” and that works well for me.

Post # 25
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Forgive me for asking, but if neither of you enjoyed the planning, why didn’t you hire a planner, or just have small wedding?

Post # 26
Member
1382 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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BluebonnetBride:  I don’t mind planning, but its not all fun. My Fi is working crazy hours now, and at the beginning of our planning he was finishing his PhD dissertation. Meanwhile I am a disabled artist so I have more time to deal with it. But while I am organizing things, my Fiance is really into all of the choices, from flowers to venue to band to menu. I talk to the vendors, but he is as involved with the decisions. I guess I’m lucky, he was the party planning chair for his frat so he has some knowledge and experience. I’m happy with our arrangement. And if a woman wants to do all the planning and her fiance is happy with that, good for them. Its the roles we are acculturated to, so it makes sense many people are comfortable with it. But I bristle at the boxes, when people tell my Fiance to shut up bc its MY day, and the claims that it just HAS to be that way and if OP is unhappy, too bad, because men get a pass. They are totally capable of doing this work too. If they want a reception, they should and can plan it, and it is their responsibility to do so unless their fiancee relieves them of it. 

Post # 27
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Roll with it!!!!!

My Fiance is a blokey bloke, so I was suprised that he is totally interested in every little detail.  It’s sweet that he’s so interested,  I came home the other day and he’d made plans to DIY some drink tables from old fences and brand our “wedding symbol” into them… but I suppose our wedding is very bush and rural which he loves so I think that has something to do with it, he didn’t give a shit before that decision.

But…  now he questions every little thing I am looking at on pinterest or on here. Everything I like the look of he constantly questions and if he doesn’t like it- that should be it.  I know it’s his wedding too but… but… I am a fair control freak about things like this and don’t like having to compromise 😛 

We are going to look at 1 of 2 potential venues on Saturday… and I’m not allowed to bring the girls or anyone!  Just me and him.  I appreciate that, but I was really looking forward to planning with my BM’s, my mum and his mum so I feel a bit bummed by it all. 

Post # 28
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

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FeliciaRene:  I gave up, like PP. Whenever I would ask his opinion, it was on something he didn’t care much about (like table settings, flowers, etc), so I just stopped asking. I hope he will think I did a good job, 16 days from now! The only thing I recall him caring about were big-picture decisions: venue and invitations (he probably would have cared about food, too but it was decided by the venue).

Maybe find something that is his forte? Music or food, perhaps?

Post # 29
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think he’s being a normal guy.

My situation was unusual.  Dh’s bi polar ex w started an event planning business (with his money) that she was running into the ground with her out of control spending.  So he had to get involved in the day to day operations.

As a result, he knew a lot more about wedding planning than I.  He was fully engaged but not domineering.  I really lucked out because I didn’t know anything & didn’t particularly enjoy it.

In fact, it was his idea to take me to a bridal fair.  That came out of the blue & was the first signal that he had marriage on his mind.

Post # 30
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

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FeliciaRene:  Yep my Fiance was the exact same way and for a few months after the engagement I was pretty upset that he was not as excited as me, until we had a big, honest talk about it. Turns out he IS excited to be marrying me, and he IS excited to have a wedding, but just about anything related to the planning of it is just not his thing. After we got that out there it was actually a big load off my back as he basically gave me permission to plan it my way. I kept him on a need to know basis, and there was not much he needed to know really! I carried on planning on my own, though I did keep my mother and his mother highly involved as they have been very excited all throughout. He did have an interest early on in where the wedding would take place and what we would be eating, but he couldn’t care less about the details and who can blame him? It’s only now in the last two months or so that he has taken a real interest and started getting excited about it. And that’s ok with me. It actually made the whole process easier to tell you the truth. Just bceuase he dosen’t want to talk about the deatils every day does not mean that he’s not thrilled to be marrying you.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by  sillysillybee.

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