(Closed) FI not meeting my emotional needs. Please help.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry. That’s a difficult one because it sounds like he cares about you. Can you be more specific on what things he falls short on? I mean is he generally neglectful?

I was my FI’s first in the bedroom, so I can understand how that might be awkward for a while. In that specific case, I literally did just tell him what I like. That (and practice Wink) definitely helped because he just didn’t KNOW what to do.

I don’t think he needs a list of things to do regularly for you, but have you sat down and told him how severely this is upsetting you? I know I kid around with my Fiance about how he isn’t always the most sensitive person to my needs, but I do know that he cares and that he always tries to be there for me. He’s no Nicolas Sparks novel, but I don’t expect that. Maybe he just needs to know how much this is bothering you. Sorry if this didn’t help at all. 🙁 Best of luck!

Post # 4
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m glad to see that you would consider postponing over this. To me, meeting my emotional needs is one of the key reasons I even have a long term relationship, So i wuld consider this prpblem a huge deal! I can get my sexual needs met without that sort of commitment! Have you guys considered counselling? I actually don’t think that scheduling stuff in is a terrible idea because it will help him to learn what it’s like to act the way you need him to, and eventually he won’t need to schedule in these things.

Post # 5
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I highly recommend the book “the 5 love languages” My fiance and I read it together and it really helped us both understand what eachother needs to feel loved. I think it’s important to read it together. 

There is also a website with a little quiz where you can figure out your ‘primary love language’ and I found it helpful before we started reading the book. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Sorry I don’t mean to sound like an advertisment or anything, but it really helped us so if it could help your situation at all, I feel like it’s worth a shot.

Post # 6
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

haha oops just realized you already read the book! Sorry about that 😉

Post # 10
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Awww….sounds like you are frustrated and I completely understand.  I think its important for you to remember that whatever habits any of us have, they do not form overnight. If he is used to being a “guys guy(especially if he is in the military),” it isn’t going to be easy for him to change just like that.  The best thing about what you said that he actually listens when you tell him how you feel. It maybe for only a few days that his behavior changes but at least he is trying. So try to be patient with your SO. Honestly, I had a similar experience with my Fiance. I was his 1st serious relationship, and trust me when I say  he had A LOT to learn. But I think the thing that helped him most was that I tried my hardest to lead by example. For instance, when we first started dating his idea of romance was pretty lame. Standard dinner and a movie. What I did was suggest we go somewhere really special at least once a month(we went to dinner, movies, parks, etc throughout the month so those options were not allowed) and take turns planning our “date.” I even volunteered to go first and made sure that I planned something that would make him see what I have in mind when I think of being romantic. This act, of leading by example filtered into our everyday lives…I would write little sticky notes with” sweet nothings” and leave them around for him to find, and also write emails, buy an occasional card or even a hand written love not…it sounds corny but guess what the result was? 3 years later and he’s more romantic than me! He really keeps me on my toes and I always have to remember to keep that “leading by example” mentality. Now, I don’t know if this will work for you, but maybe it is worth a shot. I think it may be a little more effective than just writing out instructions and hoping that he gets it.  

Post # 11
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Can I ask how long you guys have been sexually active for? My Fiance also experienced some performance anxiety, but it really got a lot better in time. Now it is truly like having sex with a different person! Is there any medical issue, or do you think it is strictly a confidence thing?

As far as your emotional needs… they are important. I understand what you are saying, because I have have wanted more surprises- romantic notes and other things. My Fiance has made more of an effort, and I have tried to appreciate more the things that he loves doing that are romantic- kissing my hand in the car, hugging me randomly, etc. I agree that he can change , though. It might not ever be exactly what you want, but the effort is what matters.

I just do want to point out that maybe your Fiance is feeling a little overwhelmed with his job where he is gone so much. Maybe it is hard for him to juggle all this, you know? I don’t know more beyond what you said, but I am just throwing it out there as a possibility.

Post # 12
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

If he is not what you want, why try and change him?

I don’t think this is a lack of experience.  I think this is a difference in core values / needs in a relationship.

If you stay with him you will always want more than he can give.  You will ALWAYS have to tell him everything that you want.  Which will make EVERYTHING he does not enough.  So, he will eventually just stop trying because even when he gives more than he naturally would… it is not enough.   And you will be frustrated because you have to tell him every little thing. 

Let him find a woman who has needs that match what he naturally gives.  And you find a man who naturally gives what you need.

Post # 13
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Just remember, you cannot change someone. As hard as we may try.

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