Post # 1
Fiance has a female friend from high school. They reconnected about a year or so ago and text often. I have met her once and do not trust her, because she does not respect boundaries. She lives an hour away from us and recently invited him to her house for a movie marathon and sleepover. I told Fiance that I was extremely uncomfortable with him sleeping over just the two of them (no other friends were invited). He didn’t understand why I thought it was inappropriate, but eventually (after a tearful conversation) agreed to spend the night at his mom’s.
A few weeks ago, she invited him to a work event several hours away. He does not work with her and is not interested in her field, but still wanted to go, “to support her.” Again, I tearfully tried to explain why I was uncomfortable. I thought he decided not to go, but last night, he told me he’s going to the event tonight. He wouldn’t get home until 1 AM, and is consequently spending the night at his mom’s again.
We tried to talk about it last night (which led to me crying, AGAIN) but didn’t resolve anything. As I told him last night, this is going to keep happening over and over, and I can’t deal with it. He sees everything in black and white: she’s just his friend, it’s the “right thing” for him to hang out with his friend, it’s “not fair” for him to have to cancel his plans. I said, “So it’s the right thing to hurt me?” and he said he’s not trying to hurt me.
I tried to compromise, saying that my boundaries are 1) Them not being alone together and 2) He’s home every night, but he didn’t have an answer to that. I don’t know what to do. He has repeatedly stated that he hates ultimatums. I worry that if I made him choose between us, he would choose her, because I’m not being “fair.” No matter what I say, I can’t get him to understand why I am so upset.
I love him, and I don’t want to leave him, but I hate that he’s not putting me and my feelings first.
What should I do?
Post # 2
WTF. Tell him you’re going to go sleepover at another guy’s house and drive several hours to spend time with him. My goodness. Does he see that there’s nothing wrong with that? You’re engaged. You should not be putting yourself in potentially threatening situations.
Since you two are engaged, I suggest couples counseling… stat.
Post # 3
He may not like ultimatems, but he’s way out of line and may need one.
I have a flair for the dramatic and I would probably say “well, maybe you should just stay with your mother while you figure out which one of us is more important to you.” Or that you’ll be staying over at a friend’s house while he figures it out.
I can guarantee he would not like it if you were sleeping over at another guy’s house, or if you were ditching him to go to another guy’s work parties. It’s an incredibly unfair double standard. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He likes the ego boost of having another girl who likes him.
That girl does not have pure intentions. I can understand if they’ve been best friends for years, and truly are only friends, but she’s just inserted herself into your lives.
He is completely disrespecting you. And you do deserve respect because YOU are the one he’s marrying. I think once he realizes he could lose you over this girl, he may get smart about it. Be sure you tell him you love him and you want to marry him, but this kind of stuff is not okay, and he has to stop.
Post # 4
I’m sorry but I feel like this is really inappropriate and you need to not give him an ultimatum but just say I’m sorry this is not something I can handle, i need ot be with someone who puts me first.
If he cares he’ll stay, if he doesnt he’ll go.
You deserve to be with someone who puts you first.
Post # 5
You should realize that he is making his choice. I am going to sound insensitive because it’s the internet and whatever, but he is not making you feel safe and secure in your relationship and that does not fly. I think you should give him some space, as hard as it is, and focus absolutely all of your energy on yoruself right now. He will see that you don’t depend on him, and maybe make him realize he’s been being a jerk. Maybe take a trip to see family, or a weekend away with the girlfriends. You can’t cry and argue your way to someone who just isn’t seeing your side, or who doesn’t want to see your side. And it’s really unfortuniate he’s being so disrespectful to you about this. I’d say “just break up” but I know that it’s a lot easier said that done. Give him his OWN time to come around to you, and if he still is picking her, then you absolutely deserve better and there is a guy out there who will make you his #1. I’m really sorry this is happening. He sounds like a child.
Post # 6
I’m sorry but it sounds to me like he’s “into” this girl. My Fiance doesn’t really have any close girl friends but my ex did and there were certainly no sleepovers. Are you invited to go with him? I’d put my foot down about this to the point of an ultimatum because it is sounding REALLY inappropriate. The “right” thing isn’t to leave your fiance in tears so you can go spend an evening with another woman.
Post # 7
What the heck? This situation shouldn’t even REQUIRE an ultimatum. He should have enough common sense to decide to not stay overnight with another girl. Are you sure he is actually staying with his mom?
Post # 8
I am 100% in favor of having friends of any gender, but if I had concerns about a person my FH was spending time with, he would not discount my feelings. We would talk it out and come to an agreement together. His disregarding your wishes is not okay, nor is it indicative of a lifelong partner. He should at least sit down with you and understand where you are coming from, without you having to dissolve into tears.
If you ‘made him’ choose between you and her, and he chose her… good freaking riddance. It shouldn’t come to this over an old highschool friend. If he has decided to get married to you, he should choose you any day.
Post # 9
He has repeatedly stated that he hates ultimatums
“I don’t understand Fiance. If you don’t like ultimatums, why are you giving me one? Because you are quite clearly telling me that you are going to do this whether I like it or not. You are saying *put up with this if you want to be in a relationship with me*. How is that not an ultimatum?”
Post # 10
This is not acceptable behavior. How would he like it if you went and stayed at a guys house overnight after a movie marathon. That alone is just stange- tell him to tell her to get some girlfriends and leave him alone.
You need to put your foot down- you have told him you are uncomfortable with this- yet he continues to do it. I would tell him tonight to pack a bag- because he’s staying at his mom’s for a few days while he figures out who is more important- you or this other girl. And then back off- don’t call him, don’t text. Let him see what it’s like to not have you.
Post # 11
Noooooo way!! He can have his sleepover all he wants but he ain’t coming home to me! I know guys get a reputation for being a little “clueless” about this stuff and I think they play it up. “What? She’s just my friend… I don’t understand what the big deal is….” Until the second you switch that scenario and tell him you’re sleeping over another guy’s house and MIRACULOUSLY it’s a huge deal to them and they fully understand the inappropriateness of you spending the night with another man. But they don’t get it when it’s the other way around? Yeah… no, they get it. They just twist it to make us sound “controlling” and “crazy” and “unfair” so they can have their cake, eat it too, and leave you
apologizing. Trust me, they’re smarter than they act.
Again, No man is “dumb” enough to think this kind of thing is okay. He fully understands boundaries are being crossed here (really? being her date to a work function?? a sleepover?? They aren’t 12 year old girls). He just doesn’t care.
Are you positive he’s been staying at his mom’s house when he goes out there……? I would highly doubt it.
Ultimatum the shit out of him. It’s you or her. If that offends him, then I guess he’s choosing her and you dodged yourself a bullet.
Post # 12
How old are you guys? he sounds extremely immature!
Post # 13
I am sorry but I agree with @juliaGG
… When guys make women priority it is because they have some kind of feelings for them… You need to put your foot down and tell him that if you are not welcome to join them, then it is inappropriate of him to go. You deserve to have someone who puts you first. If he can’t put you before her, then he isn’t the right guy for you!
Post # 14
Doesnt seem like “FI material to me” girl you need to cut him out. He obviously has “feelings” for this chick and is putting you on the back burner to “reconnect and maybe rekindle” things with her!
Post # 15
Amen! OP, i think you should call his mom and see if he has been over there maybe??