(Closed) FI not putting me first

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Also interested to know if you’re sure he actually stayed at his moms? Reeeeally sounds to me like something is going on. Maybe he’s testing the waters to figure out his feelings for this girl before he chooses between you and her. I’m sorry, I know that’s so shitty, but he sounds like he’s way to into her for this to just be friendly. Why have you only met her once?

Post # 17
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

And he knows what he is doing. It is grossly disrespectful to you that he isn’t presenting the two of you as a couple to her. She should be inviting you guys as a couple. Why wouldn’t she invite both of you for movie night? Why wouldn’t she invite both of you to this event? There should be at least token effort and attempt at socializing with you guys as a couple and not just him as a single. That’s weird.

Yeah, my husband and I have friends of both sexes. But those friends are our friends too. We do stuff seperately and together with our friends. His one female friend who tried *cutting in* turned out to be shady and disrespectful to me and our relationship and the second it came out, my husband (bf at the time) cut her out of his life on the spot and hasn’t spoken to her since (despite her several attempts).

Post # 18
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with the previous posters.  This will NOT fly with me.

My current SO has a female friend.  Granted they have been friends longer than we were together, but she is like those girls–those girls who pretend they’re not HOT but use their looks to get men to buy her stuff.  LOL I’ll feel so low of a human being if I have to use that kind of wiles to get myself stuff. 

Anywayyyyyy, she tried to pull the whole “buy me an Videgogame” on him.  I got pissed and ever since then I just disliked her.  I dislike her for using men (or anyone in general, that’s not right in my books).  I voiced my dislike on him and when she tried to coerce him to invite her at our child’s baby shower he KNEW that seeing her will set off my hormone-induced anger. 

Summary:  Long story short, his priorities are his own.  We cannot control how people feel, we can only control how we REACT.  I suggest thinking about the situation this way:  If he places you below her in a certain ranking of priorities, maybe it’s time to rethink HIS ranking in your life.

Post # 19
Member
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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LVtennisgirl80:  I would tell him tonight to pack a bag- because he’s staying at his mom’s for a few days while he figures out who is more important- you or this other girl

I have a sneaking suspicion that “mom’s house” is his code word for this other girl’s house. She tells him to go stay at mom’s he might skippy-dee-doo-dah his way right to the other girl

Post # 20
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

Show up at her event yourself. You know, to show support. I mean, is he going as her date or WTF?

Post # 21
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I know this sounds harsh, and I mean it in the kindest way, but, stop crying about this and stand up for yourself. It’s not ok. Tell him that it stops or you are done. You always have to remember that you can’t change anyone but yourself, so he either stops this ridiculous behavior and recognizes that you are more important or your relationship is pretty much over..and that would be better for you too if he doesn’t put you first. 

Post # 22
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
ineedadvice: This is exactly what my ex started doing to me and I ended up breaking up with him over it (I dont care that you are “just friends”). The fact that he didnt care that it upset me was a dealbreaker, so I ended it with him after 9 years. Now I have a Fiance who would respect me enough to realize this is inapropriate and honor my feelings, and I couldn’t be happier.

But seriously – OMG he doesnt see how its inapropriate to be SLEEPING over this hussy from HS’s house!!! I would seriously kick her ass for even suggesting this to him. I don’t approve of texting when you’re in a relationship either. UNLESS that was commonplace during the time you started dating. You cant just reconnect with some old fling/friend whatever, doesnt matter what they used to be, and think you can start texting eachother all day and night. NOT COOL FI!! You are the only female friend he needs in his life…If your Fiance thinks this is normal, then let him go be with someone else who agrees with him. It isnt worth your stress and unhappiness.

Honestly, if he wont respect and honor your (totally resonable) boundry limitations – MOA!! I wish I didnt waste as much time I did putting up with my ex doing crap like this… he probably assumes you are gonna be around forever so it doesnt have to listen to you. NOT COOL!!

Post # 23
Member
3387 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
ineedadvice:  I’m sorry, this is ridiculously innappropriate.  Like PP’s have stated, this shouldn’t even require an ultimatum.  He is a grown man and should know better than to be having “sleepovers” at another woman’s house.  You’ve had multiple conversations about this, and he is still acting oblivious.  I would suggest couple’s counseling as well.  I don’t want to jump to the conclusion that he has feelings for her, but I do think that his behavior is immature, odd, and doesn’t add up.

Post # 24
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

ALWAYS follow a woman’s intuition.  If you don’t trust this girl, you probably have good reason not to.  A good female friend of a Fiance will make you feel secure and that she respects your relationship.

Early on, my fiance had an old high school friend, but I didn’t like how she treated me when we were all together – never looking at me in the eye, only saying good-bye to my guy, etc.  Then one day she texted him inviting him to a strip club — just him, not me.  After a “tearful conversaion” (i.e. fight) he never texted her again.  I didn’t ask him not to!!  He did it out of respect to ME and how it made me feel.  

This is what you deserve.  He cannot go tonight.  Work parties are for dates.  He is engaged and shouldn’t be “dating” someone else.

Post # 25
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

This is not okay. His behavior is highly questionable – I hate to ask, but are you sure he’s stayed at his mom’s when he said he has?

Post # 26
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
ineedadvice:  Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.

I know you love him. I know you don’t want to leave him. I know you’re just looking for the magical combination of behaviors and things to say that will make him understand your perspective and treat you like his number one.

But there’s no magic combination of steps or phrases. 

What I would do? I would dump him. There would be no ultimatum, I would simply be done with him. “Well, cool. You have fun. I need a partner who is going to put me first, so I’m going to free up some space in my life to find that man. Your stuff will be outside when you get back, leave your key.”

I’m also skeptical that he has been staying with his mom. He hasn’t. I mean, call her and ask if you think it might be possible, but really…I doubt it. I’d recommend scheduling an appointment at your gyno and getting tested for STIs, just to be sure, and inviting some girlfriends over to have wine and clear that man’s stuff out of your life. 

Or to help pack up your things if you’d need to be the one to leave. 

I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this. A man worth your time would not pull this shit. He understands what he is doing, he’s just trying to manipulate you into letting him get away with it.

Post # 27
Member
2432 posts
Buzzing bee

In your relationship, what constitutes being “engaged”?

Are his ideas about an engagement similar to yours?

My husband is a charming, very friendly man, and he is absolutely, totally trustworthy. I am positive that he would never under any circumstances consider spending a night with a friend unless I was with him.

There are certain reasonable expectations that adults have when they enter into an engagement. They are based on mutual admiration, trust and respect. 

Are any of these elements part of your engagement?

Post # 28
Member
3089 posts
Sugar bee

He is wrong on so many levels….I would leave period point blank.  I refuse to put up with this type of bullshyt. My ex husband was the same.  Guess where he is.

Post # 29
Member
1396 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

ANd this chick he is going to “support” which i think is code word or something else also, she obviously has no respect for you him nor her own damn self. I know you may “love” this guy but girl you deserve BETTER…Let her have his ass…..

Post # 30
Member
7151 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You cannot change anyone but yourself, and if he refuses to change anything after repeated discussions, you need to decide what is right for YOU. If he never stops this behaviour, are you okay with it? If the answer is no, then stand up for yourself and walk away. The ultimatum here isn’t for him; it is for you. What can YOU live with? Personally, I’d walk.

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