(Closed) FI not putting me first

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I think he’s lying through his teeth, that he doesn’t understand why it’s inappropriate to have a sleepover with another girl.  And even if he didn’t really understand, he should respect you enough to know that it upsets you and is not worth it to hang out with this girl.

Post # 32
Member
3611 posts
Sugar bee

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ineedadvice:  His behavior is selfish and shady. He needs to hear an ultimatum from you, and if he chooses their “friendship” (which seems to be more than friendship, emotionally if not physically) over your relationship, you will have dodged a major bullet. 

Post # 33
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Post # 34
Member
1396 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
jillbean1217:  haha I just LOL’ed.. That is awesome!

Post # 35
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

My ex…my kids dad…who is and always was such a skeeze ball loser. When we met we were very young and I got pregnant pretty quickly. So we ended up living with his mom and step dad. One of their requirements for this was that he kept a job. EXTREMELY reasonable. But he was pretty bad at keeping them and so he lost the one he had and instead of going to look for one, or being honest with them…he would get up at like 7, catch a bus for a 45 minute ride to his female BFFs house. And then he would crawl into her bed (she had a tiny efficiency and didn’t even have a chair) and watch tv with her all day, or run around town eating out, hanging out, etc. And then he would come home at like 7 PM and tell them he worked late. I was NOT okay with it. But, a lot like your disrespectful Fiance, he just didn’t care enough about that aspect of it. Do I think they slept together? Honeestly, no. I knew her for a few years prior to ever meeting him and they’d been friends for a long time. But he did cheat on me with other girls throughout the four years we were together. Regardless of whether or not they were physical, it wasn’t okay. And I wasn’t okay with it but he didn’t care. We had A LOT of other issues over the years and this was a really good indication of some of them. I have to say that your Fiance not recognizing that this isn’t okay, right off the bat, and not even recognizing your feelngs when you flat out lay them out…is a huge red flag. She will go as far as she can..to show control, to get phsycial, I don’t know what she wants here. But you should not have to resort to tears to make him stop this. My Fiance has a female friend who used to way overstep boundaries. He always thought she had the best intentions and a good heart. It took a relationship counselor to make him realize that she knew no boundaries and was potentially ruining our relationship. He was free to chose, and I’m so thankful that he finally saw what was going on and took 5 steps back from their relationship. They’re still friends, but she now focuses on her family and my Fiance focuses on ours. Getting her more out of the picture was exactly what we needed to move forward. I hope you guys get this figured out before you get married. There’s a problem here and you have to do something about it.

Post # 36
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee

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ineedadvice:  this is not acceptable behavior. He has clearly made his decision, his actions speak loudly. You don’t need to give him an ultimatum…it’s time to act on his actions and put yourself first 

Post # 37
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

This is so messed up. I’m baffled by hearing stories like this where the guy is either pretending not to see the GF/SO’s POV or he’s just really really stupid and selfish and genuinely can’t understand how such actions could hurt their partner. At that point though, who cares? You’re right. He’s putting her feelings and needs first and ignoring yours becuase he feels that he should be able to. BS. He isn’t moved by your words, he isn’t moved by your feelings, he isn’t moved by your tears. What he IS moved by is the fact that he thinks it’s right that he be there for her and do things with her 1) without you present 2) potentially overnight. He doesn’t think it’s “fair” that he can’t do this? well how fair would it be if you had a marathon movie sesh (code for sex if i’ve ever heard one) with a guy friend and stayed away from home overnight and traveled far to support him. Seriously. Ask him how he would feel if it was one of your guy friends. If the words “that’s different” come out of his mouth, dump his ass. 

Post # 38
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would trust your instincts with this.  NOT ok.  Don’t waste any more time on someone who won’t put your first- especially concerning another female!

Post # 40
Member
2118 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
ineedadvice:  if he hates ultimatums why is he putting him in a situation for one. not acceptable. It hasnt been acceptable to sleep over at a friends house (who is of the opposite sex) since i was 9. That is not normal behavior. And believe me, shes in for the kill. If you dont make him choose now, he will eventually choose later. if hes going to be your husband he needs to start acting like it, not like some alley cat. I would put my foot down and tell him he has to respect you. Relationships are about meeting in the middle. You are right, hes not putting you first and family should always be put first. And you will be his family very very soon. You should always feel like your Fiance or husband would pick your side when its verses another woman no matter if you are wrong or not far. happy wife, happy life…

Post # 41
Member
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
ineedadvice:  Yeah my ex pulled the whole “I don’t want to have to choose between you” thing when I was uncomfortable with one of his female friends. Bottom line is the choice should be easy, if I’m going to be your wife/partner/family it should not even be a difficult decision. If he struggles putting you first I would not be willing to commit to having a life with him. Also, with my ex it turned out the reason he couldn’t “choose between us” was because he was sleeping with both of us.. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but reading your post was like a flash back for me, pretty much the exact same conversations and issues in my case. Good luck! 

Post # 42
Member
1396 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

SOunds like to me he doesnt want to “settle down” he wants to just run around. You cant just sit there and let him have his way and treat you lik that. Girl LEAVE his butt!

Post # 44
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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ineedadvice:  you shouldnt have to worry that he’d choose her. He should always out you before her, considering hw’s promised to spend his life with you.

This seems really fishy to me. I got into my relationship young and with a lot of really close male friends. I really wanted my Darling Husband and my guy friends to get to know each other and spend time together. I never seperated them and if Darling Husband ever said ‘im not comfortable with you two hanging out one on one’ I would have respected that. This is coming from someone who had my guy friends crash on my couch while Darling Husband was working nights or even once out of town. Of course nothig was going on, but by that point they were as much his bro’s as they were mine. Also, we lived in the same city, no one was really travelling hours to see someone and having one on one movie nights :/ we were in our really early twenties and most times it was crashing after a night of partying with a group of people. 

 I’m also curious about him spending the night at his mom’s place. Seems a little convenient to me. I hope I’m wrong though!

Post # 45
Member
11434 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

NO WAY. 

 

He already made a choice, now it’s your turn.

Post # 46
Member
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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ineedadvice:  Honestly, I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum in this situation… I would just leave. He shouldn’t need to be told that having a sleepover at a single female friend’s house is inappropriate, and it’s mind boggling to me that he does need to be told. I would never want to put myself in a situation where I was dealing with this for the rest of my life.

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