(Closed) FI not putting me first

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

I would really, honestly be sorely tempted to just show up at her event. Just show up there and tell him you’re sooooo sorry and he is soooooo right and friends are important and if she’s important to him than she is important to you. That you support his friendships wholeheartedly. And look! I’m here to support her like a friend would do. And I am sooooo looking forward to getting to know her better and build my own friendship with her because if she’s freinds with you, she must be terrific. It would mean a lot to me if I was invited to the next few outings/movie nights so I can make it up to both of you and it would really help if I didn’t feel so excluded by the two of you. I realized it’s the feeling of being an outsider that was getting to me. I know neither of you would want me to feel like an excluded outsider becasue that would definitely be innappropriate.

Post # 48
Member
536 posts
Busy bee

 

ineedadvice:  Wow I would not put up with that. Next time ask him if he would be okay with you going hours away to spend alone time with a guy that wanted you to have sleepovers. I bet that wouldnt fly. He sounds selfish and she sounds like a bad person. Its common sense that their relationship is inapproraite. She should know to back off. I bet if girl was doing that to her guy she wouldnt let it happen. If he sees you upset he shouldnt be going. It sounds like he is number one on his list, she is number 2, and sadly you are number 3 🙁 How long have they been hanging out since you two got engaged? How soon is your wedding? I agree with the other bees, you may want to check to see if he is truly staying at his moms.

Post # 49
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

what an ultimatum really is is a choice. You’re giving him a choice: choose to continue hurting and disrespecting me, or choose to hear me and respect what I’m saying and choose to make me feel comfortable in this relationship. It shouldn’t be a hard choice, but for him it is, so he doesn’t “like ultimatums” because he doesn’t want to have to choose. I say don’t give him an ultimatum. don’t even give him the choice. Phrase it like this: actions have consequences. You chose to have a movie marathon with this other woman. You would have chosen to spend the night with her. You continue to choose her. Those actions have consequences. They made me feel shitty and sad and disrespected and uncomfortable. I told you how it made me feel and you said it was “not fair” for you to have to stop making those choices. So now there are no more choices. I’m not asking you to choose. I’m choosing now. You didn’t want an ultimatum, fine, I’m making the choice for you. Your actions have destroyed this relationship and I no longer want any part of it. 

Post # 50
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

I dont think there’s anything wrong with spending the night at a friend’s house and going to work events whether they are male or female. I think you need to work on your jealousy and trust him. I am saying this as a person whose had a lot of male friends and did not have the slightest romantic or sexual interest in them. It is possible for men and women to just be friends.

However, you are human, and I can understand where you are coming from. If my SO didn’t want me to sleep over at a male friend’s house, I wouldn’t mind humoring him. Your guy might not get it, but if he agrees not to sleep over, then I think that is a good compromise. Expecting him to have a chaperone and not be alone with her is taking it too far, though. Just please don’t be one of those girls who forbids their SO from being friends with other women. That’s not cool or fair. 

Post # 51
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This is completely innappropriate.  You do not have to and should not have to accept this type of behavior. I’d be horrified if my husband insisted on spending this one on one time with another female that required him to be spending the damn night.  Absolutely out of line.  If you accept this type of behavior now, be prepared to set the tone for the rest of your marriage.  He is one hundred percent out of line and he is gaslighting you with the whole “I don’t like ultimatums” line. Bullshit.  You set the tone for the standard of your relationship and what you are willing to accept.  For me, this would not fly.  Is he honestly staying at his moms house?  So questionable.  I’m sorry you are going through this OP.

Post # 52
Member
6421 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
ineedadvice:  I love the first suggestion first, tell him that you’re going to sleep over at a male’s friends house and see how he reacts.  I definitely think he doesn’t see how inappropriate until he’s placed in the situation.  

Post # 53
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m surprised no one mentioned gas lighting in this whole thread. Regardless of the female, the fact he’s making you feel like you are being unreasonable is enough to justify leaving.

Post # 54
Member
1806 posts
Buzzing bee

Your Fiance is interested in this other girl. The reason you are uncomfortable over her is because your sixth sense is kicking in. Something isn’t right. Instead of reassuring you and making sure he respects you whenever possible, he insists on continually engaging in universally inappropriate behavior–despite your strong and tearful objections. My advice is to focus on you, not them. If this is what you had in mind for yourself then by all means…stay. But if not, I would lay your OWN terms on the table: you cannot and will not compete with another, friend or otherwise. If he can’t provide you with the respect you deserve, then you will provide it to yourself by eliminating all those who willingly hurt you from your life. He’s not putting you first so don’t afford him that privilege, either.  

Post # 55
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
interchangeable:  absolute fuckibg gold. × 1million.

if hes going to be a c*** be a b**** back. And when they both act weird or dont invite you kater be like well you made your choice hope youre happy together abd i hope some guy steals her form you like she stole you from me so you know how it feels asshole. Oh and that she gets cheated on. Repeatedly. What a hoebag. 

Post # 56
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

on a more serious note though. He is very aware of his actions. He is also most likely eother cheating or wants to be cheating on you with her. They are definitely acting like a couple having sleep overs abd going to functions. Agreed with pp he is trying to suss out ehich one of you he will stick withm isnalso probably sleeping over.

i would say just up and leave while hes at work and when he calls say your at a male friends you bumped into having a sleep over abd you will probably just stay there until your fi gets his shit out of your house and you can never see him again.

in sorry but your relationship need to be over. Even if you get past this girl there will be another one later. He doesnt put you first so why should you put him first. Put you first and leave the dick. 

Post # 57
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

Laying out what yoir boundaries are is considered an ultimatum!?!?!?! Since when??? It doesn’t matter that he’s ” not trying” to hurt your feelings. He IS hurting your feelings and he should care. Also, it only matters if you both agree its appropriate. If one of you feels anything is inappropriate, that’s it. Don’t it. Inappropriate.

Post # 58
Member
8944 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
ineedadvice:  “I don’t want to leave him, but I hate that he’s not putting me and my feelings first.” — He’s showing you who he is and what’s important to him. He’s not going to change. If you give him an ultimatum, he’s just going to start being sneaky about it. So knowing this, which are you more willing to live with: self respect and life without him, or sharing him with his side piece and waiting for her to become main and push you to the side?

Post # 58
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

So many red flags.

Please call his mom and verify he has stayed there. I’m sorry youre dealing with this. This is so wrong.

Post # 59
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

so he’s basically with you and this girl….. 

Post # 60
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee

i’m sorry. but this is so ridiculous.  so unhealthy and so inappropriate.  i’d just bye felicia! this “relationship”.

I’m sorry, but find your own inner queen and realize that if he doesn’t see it? You’re out. 

I promise you that happy, healthy, positive, supportive relationships don’t include this side of “OH we’re just friends, don’t worry about it, baby.”

My husband is best friends with his high school ex.  And guess what.  As SOON as we because serious, I met her.  I’m awesome friends with her.  I see her all the time.  We attended her wedding.  We know her baby and husband.  I’ll tell you what she’s never done/will never do: text him the middle of the night.  Have ‘sleep overs’ and ‘movie nights’. Hang out without me.  Not because I don’t trust them.  But because she has enough respect for me, our relationship and their friendship.

this is so ridiculous, I can only imagine he’s in his early twenties and lives with his mom.  Sorry.

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