(Closed) FI not putting me first

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

Nope, nope and nope.  He is making a choice and is NOT ready for marriage. 

Post # 63
Member
15 posts
Newbee

Oh hell no, I agree with everyone here, he is in no way boyfriend material much less Fiance.. after all you have said to him, and let him know how you felt, he does not care for your feelings, I’m going to not even mention his skank friend who is shamelessly trying to get over on the two of you.  You must be a very patient person but you need to find some logic in what is happening here. In a relationship, if a man is not wholeheartedly trying to make HIS WOMAN feel better and secure in the relationship, it is time to GO. He is playing you for a fool. Please see your worth and leave this POS.

Post # 64
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

My two cents? He’s cheating on you. Physically? In my opinion, most likely. Emotionally? 100% without a doubt. The only ultimatum he’d be receiving from me is whether to get his crap out of my house now or whether he wants to pick it out of the garbage in the morning. 

Post # 65
Member
3198 posts
Sugar bee

I would understand if he was like 3 hours away and it wasn’t safe to drive home, but to stay so late that he needed to stay. I’ve done it where I did a day of skiing with friends and stayed at a guy friend’s house because it was unsafe for me to drive home after. But he could easily cut the movies short and come home. It is only an hour! 

He’s being really shady. Sleepovers and movie nights are for dates and same-sex friends.

Post # 66
Member
19 posts
Newbee

I have many male friends, and while I don’t think it’s a problem to spend the night at their place, if my SO does then I would respect that and stop. But I should add that my husband is very reasonable and haven’t asked me to do anything I couldn’t do and I have been respectful of boundaries so he never had a reason to be upset.

Post # 67
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

MaltaLovesUruguay:  Yep. Men and women can be left alone together and, believe it or not, manage to not tear each other’s clothes off and have sex. Just because their genitals don’t match doesn’t mean they can’t be JUST friends. It’s girls like you who ruin perfectly good friendships over their own insecurities.

Post # 68
Member
9459 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

thegrandinquisitor:  If you had a particular friend that your SO was worried you were sleeping with, and you wanted to stay friends with them so much that you’re willing to keep going out of your way to spend time with that friend, despite your SO’s protests… wouldn’t you at least try to have them meet each other, get to know each other, so that you can assure your SO that it really is just a good friend who you miss?  

My SO has girl friends, including some I know he has dated or at least had crushes on.  One who is significantly hotter than me.  But I’ve never worried–why?  Because he doesn’t give me a reason to. He doesn’t try to spend the night alone with them, without a good reason (e.g. he happens to be in town and needs a place to crash).  He’s invites them to events we’re going to, so I’ve had time to meet them and get to know them.  

And you might say that it’s not ok to compare me to the OP–maybe I’m just more secure, you say?  Nope, I’ve been in her situation and red flags were going up everywhere.  And yeah, I felt like I was being crazy and jealous at the time, but looking back I just wish I’d believed my instincts earlier.  I wasted months on those losers, questioning whether I was being crazy or they were being dicks.  Answer: they were complete assholes.  Not always for what I thought they were doing, but some part of me just knew something was wrong. 

I trust the OP to have those same instincs, to know something is wrong.

OP… I have nothing to add to what PPs have said other than–your feelings are valid, and should be respected.  Best of luck…

Post # 69
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

thegrandinquisitor: I could not fuck (much less marry) an adult man who had platonic sleepovers with women. Shit, I’d HOPE my Fiance was into her, because that is too immature for words. That is what children and teenagers do, not adults who are starting lives together. Adult friends do not need to be having sleepovers. Is she supposed to stay at home and watch Netflix while they snuggle and watch movies? Haha, ridiculous.

Post # 71
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

ineedadvice:  I hope you guys are able to work it out. 

Post # 72
Member
8959 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

ineedadvice:  So he’s buying time. He’s hoping he can convince a third party to convince you to be okay with him caring more about this other woman than you. Ok. I hope it works out how you hope it works out.

Post # 73
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

can I be your couples counsellor. I’d like to see how he plans on making his activities seem normal to a third party!

Post # 74
Member
8 posts
Newbee

OP, you say he is your Fiance’, meaning he will be your future Husband. As a man who is in an exclusive/committed relationship, and is about to get married… NO!! and NO!! He cannot spend the night/sleeping over a ‘female’ house with just the two of them only. Meaning there nobody else around, only the two of them ALONE sleeping in the house.

Call me conservative, unreasonable or whatever. BUT I do NOT tollerate this in my relationship… IF my husband go spend the night at another “female” house ALONE. I will pack my things and leave, and I will make sure he never see me again… Seriously come on, as a man who is somebody Fiance’, he should know better.

Listen Ms. OP, if you worry to the point that your Fiance would choose “Her” over you, then please rethink this marriage… And if your Fiance indeed choose “Her” over you, then you don’t even have a relationship to begin with. I would give him a big ‘Ultimatum’ if I were you.

Sorry, the above are my personal opinion only. I can’t speak for others, but I speak for myself… I do NOT tollerate something like this in my relationship/marriage.

Post # 75
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

thegrandinquisitor:  My Fiance has many female friends. One that he grew up with and is like a sister to him. He has lunches with them, dinner get togethers, even meets up with them for drinks with mutual friends. I am usually always invited but rarelt choose to go. Thats his time to be with his friends and unwind. There is a HUGE difference between maintaining friends with the opposite sex in a respctful manner to your SO, and then theres extremely extremely innapropriate relationships with the opposite sex like the one OP is describing. If this were truly just a friend, this guy would have no problem introducing her to his Fiance. His FUTURE WIFES opinion should matter to him AND to the so called “friend”. I dont care how close a friendship is, there is NO reason for a grown, adult, engaged/married person to be having movie sleepovers alone with the opposite sex. Its just flat out disrespectful and immature. There are such things called boundaries for a reason. Stop shaming this poor woman for having them.

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