FI of BM, friend of groom: Relegated to a table of strangers?

posted 2 years ago in Guests
  • poll: Would you go to a wedding if you were sitting without your friends and OH?
    Yes : (95 votes)
    81 %
    No : (15 votes)
    13 %
    Only if the seating plan was changed : (7 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    4580 posts
    Honey bee

    I really don’t understand all this “lol you can suffer, you’ll survive lol” attitude.  I mean, duh…obviously.  But as the bride and groom do you really want the best thing your guests can say about the party you took months to plan and spent a lot of money on that they managed to survive the suffering of your party?  Because I sure as hell hope people have something better than that to say about any party I host.

    Just because something WAS traditional doesn’t mean it’s polite or being a good host.  Also doesn’t mean it can’t be changed, especially if it doesn’t serve much purpose.  If after all it is only eating for an hour, surely the bride and groom can spend an hour away from their wedding party to eat.  After all, they’ll be busy eating and they can make small talk just as well too.  Will the bride and groom be seated separately from their date as well?  Grandparents?  Cousins?  Aunts and uncles?  Why are the bridal party the only people who don’t get to be seated with their dates?

    Post # 17
    Member
    9736 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    Head tables suck. Making the wedding party sit separately from thier dates is shitty. But apparently it’s a cultural norm so people don’t see a problem with it. 

    I would hate having to sit at a table full of strangers but I would suck it up for a friend’s wedding. Just remember this when you set up the seating chart for your wedding.

    Post # 18
    Member
    471 posts
    Helper bee

    Head tables are rude, but you can suck it up for an hour of your life. 

    Post # 19
    Member
    275 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    I think splitting people from their SO’s is selfish. The groomsmen will be with the groom ALL DAY. I didn’t do this to people at my wedding. But some in my social circle split married couples just to have the bridesmaids sit at one table and groomsmen sit at another. Why do this?!? From my perspective the entire point of a seating chart is to make people feel more comfortable. Not to separate people from their loved ones. 

    If I were you I would wait it out politely at your assigned table, then once the alcohol loosens everyone up I would pull up a chair next to your boyfriend. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    2253 posts
    Buzzing bee

    It’s a few hours for part of one day — you’ll live. 

    Besides, you’ll eventually be able to get up and dance and hang out with your fiancé. 

    If it really is too much for you, then stay home; it’s ok to do that. This is regular wedding stuff though, not a slight.

    Oh, and they don’t need to change the seating just for you. Come on, that’s just ridiculous.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1170 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    The ability to talk with strangers,  and maybe leave as friends or acquaintances, is a valuable skill. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    4030 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Yea my opinion is not going to be popular I guess considering the other responses…

    I would never ever make a head table and exclude people’s dates/FIs/spouses… I spilt up my bridal party and put people where they would feel the most comfortable, and that included sitting with their SO. I’ve been at a table with strangers when the bride and groom had a head table and it fucking sucks. I’m not going to lie, I felt excluded, awkward and bored (AND I’m a very outgoing person and I can start a convo with anyone so I can’t imagine how an introvert or shy person would feel!)

    BUT the other difference was that I did have a better attitude than you had about it. I went into the night with a big smile, I drank some alcohol, forced myself to interact with others who were in the same position as me, trust me there will be a bunch and they are probably going to be sitting with you.

    You need to just suck it up for several hours and try to have a good time. Once dinner is over the seating arrangement becomes mostly a free for all anyways since plenty of people get up to dance. So my advice is to just suck it up for a night and try not to let it bother you anymore.

    Post # 23
    Member
    1853 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    This is why we had a sweetheart table.  Some people might think they are narcissistic, but we did it because we didn’t want to split couples or have to pick and choose which bridal party members would sit with us.  That said, unless you have a serious social anxiety disorder, just go and introduce yourself to the people at the table.  You might find you like some of them.  If not, you can make it through 30 min of dinner on “How do you know the bride and groom?,” “the bride has such a lovely dress,” and “this salad is delicious, I wonder what the dressing is.”  Most of your time at the table will probably be listening to toasts or actually consuming food, during which you don’t need to speak to people.

    Post # 24
    Member
    425 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    pearlrose :  I’ve never heard of a sweetheart table being narcissistic – in fact I have always viewed a big head table as way more narcissistic. A sweetheart table, in my opinion, is the least selfish seating arrangement

    Post # 25
    Member
    326 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    annabananabee :  Head tables DO suck. They DO create an uncomfortable environment for some of the guests. But that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for the Fiance of the best man to ask the bride and groom to change the seating plan.

    Post # 26
    Member
    994 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    … I freaking love the +1 table.

    Seriously, you get to meet people, have some wine, chat it up with strangers you’ll never see again for an hour and then dinner is over and you can hang out with your Fiance.

    Chances are you’ll be sitting with some of the other dates of the other groomsmen and you can all get blitzed together while they sit awkwardly at the head table.

    It is what it is, I wouldn’t stress about it.

    Post # 27
    Member
    24 posts
    Newbee

    IMO it’s rude to split up couples.  I’ve never been separated from my SO at a wedding, even when he was in the bridal party.  At my own wedding, no couples were split.  Everyone sat at a table with someone they knew, save for one of my husband’s friends who didn’t know anyone else at the wedding (we gave her a plus one for this reason, but she chose to come alone).

    In your shoes I would go because of your relationship with the groom.  I wouldn’t say anything about it, but in my head I’d be irritated.

    Post # 28
    Member
    12229 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    I think tables that separate wedding party from their dates are rude. However, most traditionally you would never sit right next to your date anyway. Functional adults are expected to make an effort to have some polite dinner table conversation, even with people they don’t know or know well at a social function. 

    I’d roll my eyes but go anyway. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    4994 posts
    Honey bee

    I’d be upset but I’d still go. I’d never separate a couple and I think it’s annoying to have a head table. But id still go but likely wouldn’t stay long. Cakes cut I’m out! 

    Post # 30
    Member
    9578 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    A guy I was dating (albeit not as seriously as you–nor had I ever met his family before that point) invited me to his brother’s wedding and he was a groomsman.  I sad at a table full of his relatives I’d never met–they didn’t even sit me with other friends their own age.  It was fine. 

    If life is getting too much and you don’t feel up for going in general, that’s another thing–I understand feeling so overwhelmed with life that you feel like if you have to go to a party you’ll crumble to pieces.  (Much less one as long as a wedding, with as many strangers as at a wedding.)  If that’s the issue, I honestly don’t think it’s so terrible if you stay home–just have your Fiance cover for you and pass on your regrets but say you’re very unwell.  If it’s just the table thing.. let it go.

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