(Closed) FI one night stand / "bff" invited

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 46
Member
1454 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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tmanon2211 :  yeah, I mean, she has shown you the kind of person she is to you – a not nice one. If she was nice then you wouldn’t really have a leg to stand on, but in this case I hope your honey understands and supports your decision. 

Post # 48
Member
7425 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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tmanon2211 :  I think the way your Fiance responds to your concerns when you talk to him tonight will be very telling. I am really hoping once you lay it out for him how you’ve been feeling, he’ll understand and will readily agree to not inviting her.

I can understand not wanting to deal with confrontation, but I don’t see why there needs to be any confrontation with this girl. Just don’t send her an invitation. If she flips out, he can deal with that when it happens with the typical “sorry we are working on a tight budget and had to limit the guest list” line.

Post # 49
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

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tmanon2211 :  Saying “that’s just how she is” is a classic line used in situations where rugsweeping and enabling occurs. 

In this case, your Fiance rugsweeps her bad behavior, because that’s easier than having an adult conversation with her. Ergo he is enabling her to treat you like shit.

You deserve better. 

Post # 51
Member
9387 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

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tmanon2211 :  I personally am reserving judgement on your Fiance. It’s easy to let things slide, I get that.

But now it’s time to sit down and lay it out and make it clear to him that you need him in your corner, and you need him to be unwilling to let anyone treat you the way she does, and that inviting her given her behavior would be straight up disrespectful.  

I’ll judge him on how he handles himself during and after that conversation.

ETA: regarding your latest post above: I wouldn’t bother. She has had years to change her behavior. Your conversation with Fi isn’t a debate. It isn’t you trying to convince him. It’s you telling him what you need from him as a partner, and him rising to the occasion. Ive had a similar come to Jesus talk with DH and my advice is keep it concise and be sure of what you know and what you need.

Opening it up to a trial get together is the opposite of that.

Post # 52
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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tmanon2211 :  If he’s incredibly loyal to the people in his life, why isn’t that including you? A loyal partner would NOT let someone else continuously disrespect his partner. And ‘hates confrontation’ means he’s doing what’s easiest for him instead of what’s loyal to you. 

Actually, by not dealing with the situation, he’s allowed it to escalate. He didn’t have to cut her out of his life back when you started dating, he just had to firmly nip her behaviour in the bud by making it very clear to her it was unacceptable and that hanging out with him means respecting his relationship with you and treating you decently. 

 Why are you defending him online – to a bunch of strangers, in a thread he won’t even read- when he won’t even defend you in person against someone who treats you like shit to your face? Can’t you see the disparity in loyalty here? 

Post # 53
Member
976 posts
Busy bee

The issue here isn’t even “what happened 16 year ago.” Who the hell cares about that. The issue is what KEEPS happening NOW. You don’t have to meet up with her. She has had plenty of time and opportunities to be decent with you and she hasn’t. Tell your Fiance that if he wants to be friends with someone who is RUDE and DISRESPECTFUL to his wife, that is his decision. But only people who are supportive of BOTH of you will be invited to the wedding. End of story. 

Post # 56
Member
2612 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with what others have said.. I’m not against opposite sex friendship, but those specific circumstances make the whole thing very not OK. 

That said.. It might be a bit late to drop the hammer without causing unnecessary drama. Is she a part of a close group of old friends that will all be there except her if she’s not invited? If so.. there’s a chance that they might not react well to her being suddenly cut from his life for seemingly no reason which could create more tension than actually having her there. Just something to consider when making that decision..

Either way, in the long term at the very least you need to have a more serious talk with your fi about their relationship and her behaviour. You shouldn’t HAVE to tolerate that bullshit, he should be able to communicate with her or send her strong enough signals that that is not ok behaviour. He should not tolerate her flirting with him, and her being cold to you. He may not be actively doing anything to contribute, but he’s not doing anything to actively stop it either. 

Post # 58
Member
2329 posts
Buzzing bee

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tmanon2211 :  

I will caution you to not actually SAY anything about how your family is helping to pay for the wedding tonight. It’s fine to think that way, but it would only confuse the main point here – that your feelings on this matter are valid and deserving of consideration and respect from him. And that point would still hold even if his family were footing the ENTIRE bill. 

Your family helping to pay has nothing to do with your Fiance needing to respect your feelings. 

But I’m not going to pile on your Fiance. I have a feeling YOU are the one gaslighting yourself a little bit and tamping down your true feelings. Definitely work on validating your own feelings and finding your voice. 

If this girl’s particular breed of bitchery takes the subtle, passive-agressive/ignoring form, THAT shit is easy for a guy to miss. In that situation, it is IMPERATIVE that the woman know her own mind, have confidence in her own observations, and communicate her feelings and thoughts clearly to her partner. 

If you don’t do any of those things, your Fiance doesn’t realize there is any problem at all, much less a HUGE one. 

if she were being outright, objectively rude to you and your Fiance hadn’t done anything about it yet, I’d be side-eyeing him. But it sounds like she’s doing more subtle things so neither of you can outright call her out. 

I was in this situation with Fiance when we first started dating. I kept hearing about this “Mary” friend of his. He was always exchanging texts with her, she was often in stories he told, etc. 

Then, the night I met her, Fiance and I were still brand new and he was being very PDA and sweetly attentive with me all night at the bar (in a huge group of friends.)

Her greeting to him was entirely out of proportion to a platonic friendship, then she proceeded to try to get his attention within the group conversation multiple times, then she told a LOT of stories that involved herself and Fiance, then (we were at a karaoke bar) she put at LEAST 10 songs in for herself and Fiance to sing together!!!

Even with all this, I was drinking and having a good time and talking to other people and didn’t really notice anything until after a particularly PDA moment with Fiance, looking up to see her gone. She had suddenly just up and left. 

It wasn’t until the next morning that I added everything up in hindsight and realized she had been competing with me the ENTIRE night. I hadn’t really noticed, because Fiance was so thoroughly attentive to me, but she obviously snapped at the end of the night and left when she realized there WAS no competition. 

I kept those thoughts to myself, sat back, and watched her behavior over time. I was easily able to build a case for my point of view. She did passive agressive things toward me, gushed over Fiance, and sent him tons of texts and snaps. But still I waited for her to actually cross a boundary. 

One day I glanced over at Fiance as he was checking his phone to see she had sent him a snap of her and a girlfriend doing kissy faces with kissy stickers around their faces. When I pointed out that that was pretty inappropriate, he said “that’s just how she is.”

To which I replied, “Well I feel uncomfortable with her seeming need to cross boundaries and disrespect our relationship.” 

At first he interpreted it as a jealousy thing. He said I had no reason to be jealous of her – he had zero feelings for her. 

To which I replied, “I have zero jealousy toward this woman. I’m not a jealous person. But I refuse to be disrespected, and I think it’s important for you and I to establish the boundaries of our relationship, and I think getting kissy face snaps from ANY members of the opposite sex is probably where I draw a line.”

That clarification helped him understand where I was coming from. I wasn’t some petty, irrationally jealous woman who needed to be talked down. 

I had valid observations of her behavior toward me being passive-agressive and short, and of her behavior toward Fiance being inappropriate and disrespectful of our relationship.

He immediately started letting her snaps and texts sit in his phone unopened for days and weeks before replying, and her behavior stopped just as suddenly.

He sent the signal and she recieved it loud and clear. No confrontation needed to be had – that would have given her too much significance. 

Now we very rarely see her and she NEVER texts or snaps Fiance. I didn’t blow it up into a big thing, Fiance didn’t, and she didn’t. It was just handled. 

Post # 59
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

Nope. Shes rude now. No one that hates me is allowed at the wedding. I’d put your foot down on this one. 

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