Post # 1
OK, so we’ve been engaged for a while now and one of his GMs just got engaged two weeks ago. They are planning their wedding in Key West the weekend before Christmas of this year, which is only a few months after our wedding. We will also be moving this year in addition to wedding expenses. I basically told my Fiance that I’m not going to go to his GMs wedding with him and he got pissed. I told him basically that between the wedding, moving, honeymoon expenses, and Xmas expenditures, the last thing I want to do is spend money to fly down and stay in Key West right before Christmas. We’ve already decided to push our honeymoon back from September (a few weeks after the wedding) to spring of 2011 so that we can make sure we have the money we’ll need to go (we’re going to Greece) and he wants to take a quick mini-moon right after the wedding, too.
I just don’t understand what right he has to get pissed at me when I just don’t have unlimited funds to be flying here there and everywhere. My priorities lie with OUR life, not with his GMs wedding. I told him, look – the risk people run when they have a Destination Wedding is that not all the people they would like to be there will be able to be there. They probably don’t care one way or another if I’m there either! It’s just annoying me because he can’t understand why I wouldn’t jump at the chance to go to Key West a week before Christmas and I can’t understand how he could possibly think that’s a good idea.
Post # 3
Do you think you would feel the same way if it was one of your BMs getting married instead of his GM?
I can totally see why your fiance is upset with you. You don’t really have a reason why you wouldn’t be attending the wedding, except you don’t want to spend the money. Are you expecting him to not go to the wedding either, or to go alone?
Post # 4
Is your Fiance dead set on going? If that is not negotiable, you may as well join him – after all he’ll be getting a hotel and all that and spending $. You can probably get a decently priced flight at that time, since it’s after the thanksgiving rush, and before the xmas rush. If not to Key West, then to Ft. Lauderdale or Miami and rent a cheap car and do the drive! i hear it’s lovely (can’t WAIT to do it myself).
Could this be your minimoon? or xmas presents to each other?
Post # 5
Is your Fiance a groomsmen in this wedding? I can sort of see why he would be upset with you, but I also see your side of things as well. How does your budget look for monthly, wedding, and moving expenditures? Maybe he thinks you can fit it in and you know that you can’t? I think when you are both more calm about the situation then you will have a better discussion, then just telling him flat no.
Post # 6
I would think he’s excited to travel WITH you as a married couple; and that’s the root of why he’s upset – but, it could be a whole mix of other things. I totally understand why you DON’T want to go – the mounting expenses ALONE (not to mention everything already going on with life!!). That said, he sees it as an important occasion in his friend’s life and I can understand wanting to support his Groomsmen in a similar manner to how he likely feels supported now. That said, cool off a bit and see if you can figure out how to go to make finances work so you can go with your then hubby! It might even be fun 😉
Post # 7
If one of my BMs was having a Destination Wedding at the same time in the same place, it wouldn’t change the fact that the money just won’t be there. He’s thinking short term – oh, we’ll have all this money after the wedding it’s fine. No actually, that is earmarked already for house downpayment and our honeymoon. It’s essentially already spent. But he doesn’t think that way.
Post # 8
How tight is the budget? As Melissabegins suggested, you can fly to Miami or Lauderdale and drive. There’s a ton of flights from NY and you should be able to get one cheap. Also, if he’s going no matter what, you’re already paying for a hotel room that fits two. Obviously, not everyone can make it to a destination wedding, but Key West isn’t all that far from New York. It’s understandable that this feels like a big expense to you and yet necessary for him since it’s a very close friend. If you really truly can’t afford it and still put food on the table, that’s one thing. But if it means he doesn’t get a Christmas present, or you eat a few more meals in next fall, I think it’s probably important enough to be worth the sacrifice.
Post # 9
I can see both sides of this, Kittyachi. Me and Fiance are traveling (mostly upstate to our parents’) a lot separately over the next few months to save $$. Because not only do train/bus tickets cost money, but then there’s paying the petsitter while we’re gone, etc. etc.
But I can also see MelissaBegins’s side that if he’s dead set on going and he’s going anyway, you staying home really isn’t going to save that much money since he’ll already be paying for a hotel room and such.
Post # 10
@oracle – you’re probably right that the root of him being upset is that we would be attending the wedding as a married couple. Maybe we could just not do Christmas gifts that year or something? That doesn’t change the fact that we’ll still have to gift the family, though. There’s no way to institute a no gifts policy across the board. That would be the only way I think we could swing it.
Post # 11
I think he feels obligated to go more than he actually wants to. When his Groomsmen first told him what they were planning (and that they were doing it this year) he was actually kind of annoyed by it too. It just wasn’t something we’d factored into the ole’ 2010 budget.
It annoys me that flying is so expensive, even domestic flights.
Post # 12
Why don’t you consider this the mini-moon? I would be upset too, if I was your fiance. I am sure that your family would understand no gifts. If you want to do gifts, you could just bake some things for your family and give them a nice card.
Post # 13
Um, i probably wouldn’t want to go either.
And I don’t expect DH to go with me to destination weddings. I see it as I can save MORE money–by sharing a hotel room =]. Girl’s week!
Why’s he so insistent? Does he want to spend time WITH you or does he just want you there cuz that’s a wifely thing to do?
Some people can’t fathom traveling without their SO…maybe he just sees you guys as a team and where he goes you go? Even tho he’s missing the practicality of it.
Post # 14
Kitty – you’d be surprised about people’s reaction to no gifts, or limited gifts. I know it’s going to sound TERRIBLE, but we didn’t do any xmas gifts for ANYBODY. We are going to get wedding albums for close family after the photos come back from our photographer, and send a bunch of toys along with them for little fam members. But honestly – you are getting married, buying a house. People will not fault you for that – you could start thinking RIGHT NOW about what you want to get close family members for xmas and do it very cheaply thru the year. But you can’t re-do weddings. We went to 8 weddings last year, all but one required flights. We have a bunch this year, and we had our own. It’s tough, but you can’t get the time back.
Think about it! you may be able to do it. And if you are on board, you could still pretend you aren’t, and maybe your Fiance will cook you a nice dinner or something and you can finally be ‘”convinced”
Post # 15
I really understand the money concerns, that part is an unavoidable detail. However I will take any excuse that I can to get the heck outta Dodge and a wedding in Key West sounds incredibly awesome! I like what you said about maybe making that trip your gift to eachother- it is a fun place to be around Christmas!
Post # 16
I can totally imagine being in your shoes. I would probably be resisting going to the GM’s wedding, too, since I’m not made of money and I’m frugal like that, but I can see why your Fiance would be upset, especially since it is his Groomsmen. Presumably, the Groomsmen will be doing a lot for and spending a lot on your wedding – perhaps your Fiance feels terribly if he doesn’t return the effort? I mean, the Groomsmen is making your and your FI’s relationship/wedding a priority (among what I suppose to be many of his own priorities), so Fiance is upset if you, as a couple, won’t return the favor? If I were the Groomsmen, I would be sad and maybe even question the friendship if I made all that effort to be the Groomsmen, and the couple I was Groomsmen for didn’t make any effort to come to my wedding. Granted, no one made them choose a Destination Wedding that is inconvenient and expensive, but you could have chosen one, too, and I assume the Groomsmen would have still agreed to be your FI’s Groomsmen.
I’m not sure if your FI is going anyway and it’s just a question of whether you go or not. If he’s going anyway, I guess it’s like what Melissa said – you, as a couple, would be incurring the cost of the hotel anyway, so perhaps you can work it into your budget to add a bit more for your plane ticket so that it won’t cost too much extra if you go and enjoy yourself, too? I would really try hard to let your Fiance go even if you can’t/won’t, though. It would be different if it was just a friend’s wedding, but it’s your FI’s GM we’re talking about.
Perhaps you could compromise on the budget and agree that if you both attend the wedding, your Fiance can’t go to the GM’s bachelor party (if there is one being planned)? I also like the suggestion that you treat it as a holiday present to each other.
At the very least, you should send a really nice gift to them if and, mostly importantly, include a really heartfelt card wishing them well.
Of course, all this is assuming that you won’t go into debt or anything by doing any of the above.