Post # 1
Title says it all really…my Fiance has made it clear that he will NEVER have a joint account with me.
I blame his parents – his mother is Scottish and unfortunately lives up to the stereotype. They are well off, but she is extremely tight. We were once in a store (that has been accused many times of using 3rd world labour to manufacture their clothes) and she complained that it was ‘too expensive’ – we were looking at t-shirts that cost £2… it was her idea to go…I just looked at her in horror.
So his parents have always kept their finances seperate. Distinct ‘what’s mine is mine’ mentalilty. And they fight about money constantly.
So Fiance is going to follow their example and keep our finances seperate. But he expects me to pay exactly half our rent when we are living together…he is always going to be the one who earns more. I’ve already told him that won’t be happening, we will pay an amount that leaves us both with the same percentage of disposable income.
I can’t help feelling a bit hurt. Does anyone else have an Fiance with the same opinion?
Post # 3
Mine will have a joint account with me, but not one where our paychecks are mutually in. He was willing, TBH…I wasn’t. I’m a notorious shopaholic, and I never wanted to feel tempted to spend money that wasn’t mine.
Post # 4
Wow, I don’t blame you for feeling hurt. DH and I have had a ‘whats mine is yours’ situation with finances from very early on in dating.. But i have previously dated a scottish guy who was very similar and his parents were divorced due to finances and fighting about money. Will he not change his opinion even after your conversations with him?
Post # 5
My Fiance and I decided to have a joint account where we each month put in x amount of money – this account is then used to pay for all joint bills (rent / electricity / internet / car etc.)
We budgeted how much food would be pr month and also put in extra for that – we pay the same amount each – so its 50/50
the rest of our monies are kept separately – so I can go shopping without having to explain anything and the same way around.
I do not believe in 1 account for all our money – but having a joint acct for all joint things was what made the most sense for us – maybe suggest that idea to him?
Post # 6
I can’t say “never” but I don’t plan to share a main account with my Fiance either. We currently maintain separate checking accounts, separate savings accounts, but we do also have a joint “fun” account.
I’m not really hurt by it at all, but I knew that is was going to be this way going into it. There are things I pay for household wise, and there are things he pays for. In the end it’s a wash, but I don’t pay “1/2 the rent, 1/2 the electric” and so on.
Post # 7
I don’t think the issue is the joint account it’s the whole addittude and the unfairness of paying 50/50 when he makes more then you. I had a friend who behave much of the same way, and her and her Fi were buying a place she behave the same way, he insisted on being a cheaper house in a neighborhood which wasn’t as nice but he said paying half would leave with almost nothing left over. She then suggested she buy the house he paid her rent, and guess what they are on a “break”. Money is a major factor in separations and divorce. I suggest you guys see a couselner and start developing a plan that works for both of you. Your fi also needs to learn to comprimise. Some couples share their money, other have some type of division(which is what I am comfortable with) but I think having at least one joint account for savings and household expensives is important.
Post # 8
Thanks for your replies. He’s not going to change his mind, and no matter what it’s used for, even just to pay bills – he won’t share a bank account.
The amusing part of it is, that my ex H was the one who was terrible with money, I used to pay all our bills, rent, etc. Since I left him, he’s managed to get £4000 in debt to the tax department. He orginially owed them a fraction of that, but because he’s done nothing about it for 3 years, they’ve taken him to court and the amount has sky rocketed.
Nothing like that ever happened when I was able to deal with our joint finances.
I’ve told Fiance that – if by some miracle – I come into some money, he won’t be getting a share of it. This ‘mine is mine’ attitude works both ways.
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards
I would see if you can sit down with a financial advisor just once or twice. I don’t know how they work in the UK, but in the US, there are “flat fee” advisors (who don’t rely on you buying investments to make their money).
It might help for him to hear an expert talk about how to manage money properly and how other couples do it.
Post # 10
@mink: Sadly he’s got a friend who works in debt counselling…who told him he was doing the right thing! Then regaled him with horror stories of women who had run up thousands of pounds of debt and the husband was ultirmately responsible for it. *rolls eyes*
I told him he was a sexist pig.
Future Mother-In-Law is such a tight arse it is embarassing. I’ve been totally desititute (and homeless) in the past, so I understand having budgets, etc but she takes it to extremes. FIL’s home has looked like a building site for 3 years because of bickering over the cost of getting necessary work done. The shower in the bathroom hasn’t been fixed for 5 years for the same reason!
Post # 11
my Fiance and I have a joint account – it was he idea, his parents also did the whats mine is mine thing and he also said he hated it how his dad would ask his mum for HIS change when she had been to the shop for milk etc.
i can understand that if he has been brought up in a household were finances had been kept seperate that he would also want to do the same, and i suppose there is no right or wrong way to do it either.
having said that i totally agree with you that if your finances are to be kept seperate, that everything should be divided proportionally.
i hope you can work out something which you both agree on and are happy with.
best of luck.
Post # 12
@sam2412: this is exactly what we do.
otherwise who pays for shopping? i’d hate to think “well you’re definintely not getting THAT cereal because I’M paying for this and I think it’s too much!” would happen.
our way is definitely the best in our eyes.
Post # 13
Fiance is usually very generous…but he can have his ‘tight’ moments!
I’d once forgotten my purse and asked him for a couple of pounds to buy something…there was about 40 pence in change. And he asked me for it…I threw it at him, I was so angry! I then told him that I wanted £140 a month for all his stuff that I’d been storing in my flat, and I wanted it backdated. (that’s how much it had been costing him at a storage firm)
He’s not done that since.
Every single time I’ve gone around to Future In-Laws, a conversation/argument about money has come up between them. I was bought up that it was the height of bad manners to discuss money in front of others, so I found it very awkward.
I can see the benefits of having seperate accounts – after the bills are paid, he won’t be able to see, let alone comment, on where my money goes…
Post # 14
Right now my Fiance makes ~3x what I do but we have separate accounts and pay 50/50 on rent and bills. It evens out though because it has allowed Fiance to save up for all the things we both want ( like a house, our wedding, my ring). He also pays for pretty much all of our fun! I am hopeful that when I am done all my school and training we will make a similar amount, but if not we may need to revisit how we do things. It works for us because it feels fair, but clearly your situation doesn’t feel fair to both parties which will lead to fighting! Have you thought about doing counselling to have a neutral setting to work thefinances stuff out prior to getting married?
Post # 15
Wow this whole thing seems toxic, I think you guys need to really work on this. I can’t imagine spending my whole life going back and forth like that over every single cent spent.
Post # 16
My Fiance and I are keeping our finances separate, even after the wedding, but for other reasons. We are both older and have had control of our own money for a long time. Neither of us wants to ask permission to buy things. Meaning, if he or I wants to buy something, we don’t necessarily want to have to make it ok with the other person. I know I would be less likely to go out and spend money on something I wanted if I had to make sure he knew I was taking the money out of the account (yes I know it’s my money, but it just would be uncomfortable for me) I know that sounds like we are keeping secrets, that’s not how I mean it, but I’m not sure how to write it so it doesn’t sound that way. We are both very open and honest with each other. We both contribute, him more than I do (he makes more) to household bills. I usually give him a check for my part. We both are more independent. It totally works for us, so we aren’t gonna “fix” it.