(Closed) FI refuses to EVER have a joint bank account

posted 10 years ago in Money
Post # 32
7111 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think that keeping separate account can work but I can totally understand your concerns. First, read the book “Financially Ever After”. It’s a book specifically written for couples that are preparing to get married and has tons of great advise about how to merge 2 lives, financially. They work with separate, yours-mine-and-ours, and joint accounts.

If you are looking for comfort about this situation please know that I’m soo sorry you’re having to deal with this and skip to the next post. If you’re trying to convince him that a 50/50 split, everything completely separate system isn’t good, here’s an example:

I had friends that did separate accounts and everything split 50/50 when they got married. She made significantly more than he did so she had all this disposable income that he didn’t have. So she went shopping a lot more, but not a big deal, right? The part of this that really sucked was vacations. What ususally happened was that she could afford a vacation but he couldn’t so she ended up going on a lot of vacations with friends and family. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I think it really shows the division that can be created by not approaching money as a couple. They did get divorced, although it can’t be all blamed on the money situation, I think it definately played into it. Separate finances can work but if there’s a significant difference in incomes, a 50/50 split can lead to a lot of heart-ache. Good Luck!

Post # 33
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@TheMsMittens:  We don’t fight over money.

Fine, disagreeing over money.  Either way, it’s a major part of marriage and if you can’t come to a mutual decision on how to handle it, it has the potential to grow into a divisive issue.  I still think this is something that should be worked out before you get married so everyone’s on the same page from the get go.

Post # 34
1174 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

We have one joint account with most of our money in it. We each have other accounts as well, but they aren’t used very much. Most of our spending comes out of the joint account. Fiance earns pretty much all our money… although I just have a lot of money from inheritences & random things. Fiance pays for most of our expenses. My money will be used for large purchases down the road. We have no problems sharing our money and we had no issues deciding how we were going to set up our finances. I think this is mainly because both of our parents handled their money completely jointly, and both husbands were the higher earners as well. Neither Fiance or I are big spenders, so we never have to worry about either of us overspending. All of our investment accounts are in our names individually. We basically have the philosophy that any money or assests we bring to the marriage are now equally both of ours, so it doesn’t matter where the money we are spending comes from specifically and we don’t keep track of who buys what or anything like that.

Post # 35
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I can understand both sides of this. My parents looked at me with horror when I told them my Fiance and I were going to have a joint account. They have been happily married almost 27 years and together for 29 and could not imagine doing that!

Their reasons are: if one person’s credit tanks you are both tied up in the same account, if someone dies, it can be impossible to get ahold of the money until a death certificate is issued, you might get divorced (even at 70) and you will have all your finances tied up, etc.

They suggested, instead, that we make one joint account that we would transfer money into and then keep two seperate accounts for our own finances. The joint account would be for paying the bills, essentially.

In the end, I don’t want to have to constantly write a cheque to my husband so I’m not totally depleating his bank account, nor do I want to have to deal with transfers and “whose account should it come out of” situations, so as of now, we have a joint account and then our seperate TFSA’s.

Post # 37
4685 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

@TheMsMittens:  If this was what I wanted, I could totally understand feeling hurt by his response and attitude towards it. I am the one who was against a joint account. Well in a sense I was against it. We have one but my paycheck goes in my own seperate account and his goes in his account and we deposit the same amount in the joint account every month for shared expenses. I think if his parents are the example, and they fight all the time about money, you should use that as your basis for wanting things to go differently. If he just wont budge than I think what you are doing is a smart idea. But for me, I would not want to base our banking style on that of two people who have a banking style that obviously causes friction. Im sorry you are dealing with this 🙁 any issue tied to money always sucks

Post # 38
5243 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@TheMsMittens:  It definitely is the accountant thing then.

Post # 39
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@TheMsMittens:  Sorry, it just sounded like there wasn’t a resolution.  You said that he expects the two of you to contribute 50/50 and you told him that you would only contribute your proportion in line with your % of income.  Did he end up agreeing to your suggestion?  If so, kudos!Smile

Post # 41
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

We have a joint account that he puts money in to cover bills. Our mortgage is at the bank where I banked before marriage (and have my direct deposit from work.)  So it’s easier just to make a transfer out of my account for the mortgage and use the joint account for our other bills. It usually equals out. We never fight over money because I handle it all and make it work. We don’t want to combine our money because we handle our money very differently and it would cause more fights. For instance, he loves the “convenience” of automatic drafts whereas I don’t trust companies to go into my account and take money out. To each his own, I guess and  that’s what works for us.

Post # 42
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@minimoo:  We’re totally the same way.  We just have all our money go to one place, and we look at it all as *ours*.  I too hated the whole passing money back and forth for going out dinner, trying to split checks, figuring out how to pay for things when going on vacation.  And I did not want to spend my life nickel and diming each other.

Post # 43
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Check out Suze Orman’s books- she has a really good system for dividing household expenses. It’s done as percentages, vs. halves, and is a much fairer system. I had Fiance read the combining finances chapter, and we’re both in agreement on that now.

Post # 45
4090 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I really cannot stand it when adult children think that what their parents did must be the only way. 

My parents had separate accounts.  In fact my dad say don’t ever merge accounts or you’ll end up divorced!  Yes he said that to me!  How narrow minded to think that a couple could never merge money successfully or come up with a plan that invoved separate accounts but both were happy about it.

I see a HUGE RED FLAG with your fiancé and his money theories.  Money issues are the #1 reason for divorce.  Your Fiance cannot come up with a fair and balanced method for managing your incomes that includes input from you.  This is a disaster waiting to happen.  He’s so reluctant to consider your side!  Marriage is about compromising, coming up with a solution that both can be happy about in some way.

I would never replicate what my parents did, so why does he have to?  Not everyone has to do what their parents did!  I had enough sense to know there are other ways.   In fact I probably learned everything about what NOT to do by watching them.

Have you ever had a real heart to heart conversation about his money perceptions?

  • What does he feel about his parents money method is superior?  Inferior?
  • What would he suggest they do differently if anything?
  • Does he think fighting about money is normal?
  • What is his worst fear about merging money?
  • What is his fear about making the bills proportional to income?
  • Does a couple have to stick to one money method for the entire marriage or can it be revised?

I am not saying to merge everything, but the balance is unfair, each of you is not putting in their say and coming up with something fair.

Post # 46
10972 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@TheMsMittens:  One of my close girl friends is going through this with her husband.  She makes about half of what he does, and he’s really struggling to get to a “what’s mine is yours” mental place (honestly, I don’t think he’s going to).  I think this kind of thing is about what makes both you and your Fiance comfortable.  If he can’t get to that place, I wouldn’t force the situation.  Money is always a touchy one.

My husband and I are planning to open a separate joint account, while keeping our own personal accounts.  Our plan is to put in a percentage of what we make into our joint pool, and the rest of what’s remaining is for our own personal use.  This was our compromise, and we’ll see how it goes!

Good luck with this one.  Money is tough!

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