Post # 1
So Fiance is away for work, and told me via text that he buzzed his hair all off. He is 30 and the last time he had a buzz cut was high school, and it’s his head, I just find it weird that he would up and do that while hes away (so obviously preplanned bc he took his clippers with him and he had only been shaving his face with a straight razor recently) without ever mentioning that he was thinking about it to me, and do it when it’s the coldest time of year where we live and where he’s traveling to for work. It seems strange to me that he did this with no forewarning and in the midst of some other very passive aggressive behavior, and I think he is acting out for some reason or another.
We were fine when he left Monday, then Tuesday after work one of my female coworkers invited me out to dinner and two of our male coworkers came (one is much older and married with grown children and the other has a major crush on my female coworker so it wasn’t a creepy or uncomfortable group, like no one hitting on me or something). I did not invite the guys and would have felt like a jerk backing out as soon as she decided to invite them. But anyway it was a last minute decision so I hadn’t mentioned anything to Fiance about my dinner plans, and he called me when I was still out with them and got weird with me on the phone when I said what i was doing (I often go to dinner with just female friends when he is away and its never been a problem). I asked if I could call him back on my drive home and he said yes, then proceeded to not answer the phone, and be very short and vague during texts after that (I didn’t bother trying to call him bc of him not answering before). I spent NYE with my parents and he was vague with his plans saying “I just might go out” and wouldn’t mention doing what or with whom. He did not wish me a happy new year (granted I know I didn’t wish him one either but at about 10:30pm I sent him a message saying i miss him and wished we could be playing board games like we normally do on NYE, and his response was “no you don’t” so I wasn’t really looking to keep reaching out and be shut down) and was again short via messages yesterday most of the day. Then later in the evening he was more chatty via messages but then said something about he shaved his head. I asked him what he did and he did not respond all night then I woke up to a text this morning saying sorry he fell asleep and that he buzzed his hair off. He hasn’t sent a pic, I did ask for one but he hasn’t responded. I don’t think it will look good, but there isn’t much I can do about it.
He recently finished school and for the past few years I had expressed my concern that when he finished school I hoped he would not expect the same things from me that I had done to help him with school (ie. I would like help with dishes after I make dinner now that he doesn’t have to finish homework, and help with the laundry, or even for him to make dinner sometimes). I didn’t push for much right off the bat because he just finished school within the last month, but when I asked him to please clean a pan he used and left dirty on the stove he got defensive, and he has been just washing his own laundry and leaving mine in piles on the floor (they are in the hamper to begin with, but when he picks out his clothes he for some reason just leaves mine on the floor). I have told him that kind of stuff drives me crazy and makes me resentful and it would mean a lot to me for him to help me out. There is also the looming fact that we’ve been engaged for over a year and still have no date or plan for a wedding. He listens when I suggest ideas, but then he has no suggestions or opinions and nothing ever gets put in place. He has a company after-holiday party in two weeks and I really don’t want to go. There were three other engaged couples at it last year and they wanted us all to do a photo booth pic holding up signs with our wedding dates and they were all in shock that we didn’t have a date, they’ve all since gotten married and I don’t want to answer questions about why we still don’t have a date a year later, and I don’t want people asking me about what I think about his hair, because I know there is at least a 90% chance I’m not going to like his hair. I am also upset because we never go to my company events because he doesn’t want to, so he does not know my coworkers by choice. So its really not fair for him to be upset that I went out for dinner with people he doesn’t know because he refuses to take any chance to meet any of them.
All in all he claimed not to be mad I went for dinner but I think he is, he claims he wants to get married but will not move forward (I agreed to have a very small probably courthouse wedding with immediate family only because he said he did not want to have or pay for a large wedding and I thought it would be more responsible to save the money, too). He is actually a very responsible and driven person so these immature reactions or seemingly defiant behaviors are hard for me to interperet. I have asked him many times if things are okay or even if he is sure he wants to get married over the last year. I offer up open forum to say anything on his mind, but he doesn’t participate. I don’t like secrets and of the two of us I am an open book (years of therapy) so it bothers me that he won’t talk about things but is obviously fighting some battles inside. I speculate that the head shaving is an attempt to have control over something. There is some mild drama going on in his family right now but its not really effecting us as much as i worried it would, so I can’t really figure out what is going on. I should also mention that I told him I would like to get engagement pics this year at some point and honestly would like to be married in december of this year (I’ve been saying that since we got engaged, and december 2015 would be just over two years after we got engaged…we’ve been together 5 years now, living together over 4 years) and he says nothing really to indicate that he would like to do that. So I am wondering if the hair thing is defiance against me wanting to get pictures taken. I am starting to think he really doesn’t want to get married. 🙁
Post # 2
Whew. It sounds like you certainly are working hard just to be in this relationship. A relationsip that seems to bring you little joy, btw.
It shouldn’t be this hard, sweetie. You shouldn’t need a secret decoder ring. I think the real question is do you still want to marry him?
Post # 3
Sorry to say OP sounds like he doesn’t want to get married, and he is trying to push you away in the mean time.
Not everyone has a date the minute they get married but after a year you should have atleast an idea in mind espcially since you are just having an intmate affiar.
Hopefully you can work things out and move forward but I wouldn’t push him because if you do end up getting married at your urging things might backfire.
Also hair grows back I wouldn’t even make that an issue like you said you think he is doing it to gain control don’t feed into it.
Post # 4
Sounds like he’s immature, wrestling with jealousy issues, being selfish and deff not a team player. Who does just their own laundry?? To boot he has no communication skills!
he needs to grow up. If you can afford it if take a nice long vacation away from him. Maybe some distance can help you get some perspective.
Post # 5
I think you should have mentioned the two guys coming as soon as you knew what was going on.
Post # 6
Sounds like a selfish guy from the post. Is there something going on at work? Is he getting sleep? Does he normally care if you have guy friends. Seems a little jealous. Not sure if he’s ready for marriage. But he might just be stressed out. He needs to talk to someone, like a counselor. This should be a happy toe in your life, not one where you should be feeling the way you are now. Give him some distance. And rethink things. If you haven’t set a wedding date after being engaged for a year, this is something you’re going to have to bring up. I’d give him an ultimatum at this point.
Post # 7
I actually had an afterthought that I should have texted him that I was going to dinner and who was going before I went just to let him know really quickly, but the dinner was a last minute decision before i left work and I told him the first time I talked to him. I think if i had told him he just wouldnt have called me at all, especially since he hasn’t called since then or answered mine.
I haven’t had a ton of male friends since our relationship and my only really good male friend passed away this past summer and I’ve been having a pretty rough time dealing with it. I think Fiance and I are just at a weird point right now.
Post # 8
Are you sure you want to marry him? You kind of sound done with the whole situation. I can’t blame you because it seems like a lot of work. A whole year without setting a date? Yikes.
About your dinner out, that’s your fault. How hard is it to drop an email/text message/quick call on the way to say hey *coworker* invited other 2 male coworkers to dinner, feel awkward not going but wanted you to know this wasn’t the original plan.
I hate surprises like that and so does my SO, we make the effort to keep eachother informed so when it comes up later it’s not a surprise. It’s definitely a problem that he doesn’t know your coworkers and actively avoids meeting them, I think it’s odd that he had you meet all his and consistently takes you to his office party but won’t sacrifice to go to yours. Not helping with household chores or only doing his own laundry. That’s bull shit and is saying loud and clear that he isn’t ready for a lifetime partnership.
Serious conversations need to be happening. Good luck.
Post # 9
sassy411: sway0060: EDubbs:
I asked him if something was bothering him lately and just said the hair thing was surprising because I had no idea he wanted to do it. He was very casual and said he had been wanting to do it for some time…again just weird to me he never mentioned it.
I asked him if I had pushed too much for a wedding timeline and said I would like to talk about it and figure out if he wants more time. To that he magically responded that he was actually going to send me an email about it tonight to start laying out a budget and plan it. I find it super convenient that he waits until im upset like oh if you had only waited to say anything, you would have had this email…i also find it hard to believe that after barely talking and shaving his head this week he was suddenly in the mood to plan a wedding.
It’s all the hallmarks of passive aggressive behavior, not assuming responsibility, having a selective memory and trying to make me feel bad. I know he isn’t the only one to blame for things getting to this point, but I don’t know how to handle it if he won’t talk to me or be open.
I am thinking about staying with my parents when he is back for a few days next week before he heads out of town again. I don’t want to spend four days fighting and not getting anywhere and maybe the space would be good?
Post # 10
The communication techniques you both are employing are not building trust. Instead of staying at your parents, you need to be honest about the way his passive aggressive behavior is a problem. Is he willing to work on communication?
Post # 11
I dont know him so I cant say if I feel like he is being weird and acting out… I will say guys are a lot different then women, My husband never tells me when he is going to cut his hair or shave, he just does it. When I comment on it he always says something like “oh I was thinking about it for a while”. Where I plan my appointment a 3 weeks in advance and show him everything I am considering. But again that is my situation and not yours so I cant speculate.
The dinner thing… I would be upset if I were in his shoes. My husband owns his own business and one of the vendors he spends boat loads of money with a year bought him concert tickets to one of his favorite bands, I wasnt allowed to go because it was a gift to him so it was supposed to be just him and the General manager of the supplier company. I found out later through facebook that they had also invited one of the lady sales clerks to go and she had posted it to facebook tagging him. I was upset that he didnt tell me, he said that he did not know until they were on the way but still he could have sent me a text letting me know it wasnt just him and the Groomsmen going. I got over it pretty quickly because in marriage you have to pick your battles and that wasnt one I wanted to wage war on.
The setting a wedding date thing, that makes me wonder if he is ready or not. My sisters bf proposed and it took them 4 years to set a wedding date. She finally just said “that’s it we are getting married on June xxx” and they did. I would sit down with him and say that you would like to get married say next summer and how does july 15th or whatever sound. If he shuts you down then I think you have your answer.
Being married is all about trust and communication and without those two things no marriage can survive happily. Good luck!
Post # 12
sorry for your loss. I just know, that’s something my DH would like to know. And I would want to tell him in case it would make him uncomfortable. Because that’s the last thing I would want to do. I don’t really have any guy friends either. The only ones I have are DHs friends and they wouldn’t hang out with me if DH weren’t around anyway.
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2015 - The Lodge at Mackenzie Place
It sounds like you are trying your best to communicate and work with your Fiance. You are correct in being concerned in the passive aggressive behaviors, a relationship is a partnership. He needs to contribute to the household duties such as laundry and cleaning, it is unfair for him to shutdown when you share your feelings on these matters. Who picks through the laundry basket and only does their clothing and leaves the rest on the floor? That is very stunted, child-like behavior! I would be livid!
Honestly, going out to dinner after work with co-workers is not that big of an issue. You spend all day with both your male and female co-workers, and when co-workers go out to dinner after work, one can assume both genders will be invited/join in. If you need to specify the age and gender of who went to dinner after work, he might be struggling with some jealousy. Also, it sounded like a nice dinner, not a night of heavy drinking and possible debauchery? Did he think the older married man with grown kids was going to give you the reach around?! Seeing as he chooses not to participate in the events you have invited him to with your co-workers in the past, is it possible he is trying to create drama where there is none?
The head-shaving is the tip of the acting out. He isn’t setting a date even with the intimate nature of your wedding, he is not communicating with you even though you are offering open forum to discuss his issues (email you about the wedding after he randomly shaved his head??? HA!), he is seeking out drama from shaving his head and picking apart a dinner without him, he is actively not participating in your household.
You need space from him with your parents. That is a great idea! While you are there, maybe reconnect with your therapist and see what he/she recommends. Maybe write down what you want/need from your relationship vs. reality and think about if you and your Fiance can bridge the gap between those two lists. You should urge your Fiance to also see a therapist, it might help open up the path of communication, and perhaps he can discover why he is acting out. You both deserve to be in a rewarding, satisfying partnership. It sounds like neither of you is being fulfilled by the other, and only you two can decide if it can be saved. The best of luck, and I wish you a happier 2015!
Post # 14
Yeah it shouldn’t be this hard. Your communication with each other should be much more solid if you’re going to get married. This sounds like a couple who has been together like 2 months and is still in the “figuring it out” stage. I don’t ever wonder what my Fiance means when he says things or worry whether or not he’s into getting married. You shouldn’t have to feel this level of uncertainty to someone you’re prepared to commit your entire life to. This should feel like a sure thing, and it doesn’t.
Also, I have to say about the school thing. My Fiance is 31, he is in school full-time too (for actuarial science, which is all high level math and programming, so not an easy major), AND he works full-time (in a warehouse). He still does the dishes, and the laundry. I do a lot for him too of course, and I never complain about our current low-income (because he’s doing all he can obviously), or about him having less free time to just hang out (he certainly wishes he had it too), but being in school shouldn’t just be a total “get out of all responsibility” card.
Post # 15
He sounds like my ex who in hindsight was emotionally abusive, you should read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft also maybe something about narsisistic personality disorders. after readding a couple of these i realized I shouldn’t have to try so hard, wasn’t married, moved on.