(Closed) FI seems to be acting out

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
10985 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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anybee063:  

Whew.  It sounds like you certainly are working hard just to be in this relationship.  A relationsip that seems to bring you little joy, btw.

It shouldn’t be this hard, sweetie.  You shouldn’t need a secret decoder ring.  I think the real question is do you still want to marry him?

Post # 3
Member
2570 posts
Sugar bee

 

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anybee063:  

Sorry to say OP sounds like he doesn’t want to get married, and he is trying to push you away in the mean time.

Not everyone has a date the minute they get married but after a year you should have atleast an idea in mind espcially since you are just having an intmate affiar.

Hopefully you can work things out and move forward but I wouldn’t push him because if you do end up getting married at your urging things might backfire.

Also hair grows back I wouldn’t even make that an issue like you said you think he is doing it to gain control don’t feed into it.

Post # 4
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds like he’s immature, wrestling with jealousy issues, being selfish and deff not a team player. Who does just their own laundry?? To boot he has no communication skills! 

he needs to grow up. If you can afford it if take a nice long vacation away from him. Maybe some distance can help you get some perspective. 

Post # 5
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you should have mentioned the two guys coming as soon as you knew what was going on.

Post # 6
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Sounds like a selfish guy from the post. Is there something going on at work? Is he getting sleep? Does he normally care if you have guy friends. Seems a little jealous. Not sure if he’s ready for marriage. But he might just be stressed out. He needs to talk to someone, like a counselor. This should be a happy toe in your life, not one where you should be feeling the way you are now. Give him some distance. And rethink things. If you haven’t set a wedding date after being engaged for a year, this is something you’re going to have to bring up. I’d give him an ultimatum at this point. 

Post # 8
Member
2016 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

 

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anybee063:  Are you sure you want to marry him? You kind of sound done with the whole situation. I can’t blame you because it seems like a lot of work. A whole year without setting a date? Yikes.

About your dinner out, that’s your fault. How hard is it to drop an email/text message/quick call on the way to say hey *coworker* invited other 2 male coworkers to dinner, feel awkward not going but wanted you to know this wasn’t the original plan.

I hate surprises like that and so does my SO, we make the effort to keep eachother informed so when it comes up later it’s not a surprise. It’s definitely a problem that he doesn’t know your coworkers and actively avoids meeting them, I think it’s odd that he had you meet all his and consistently takes you to his office party but won’t sacrifice to go to yours. Not helping with household chores or only doing his own laundry. That’s bull shit and is saying loud and clear that he isn’t ready for a lifetime partnership.

Serious conversations need to be happening. Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
11360 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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anybee063:  

The communication techniques you both are employing are not building trust. Instead of staying at your parents, you need to be honest about the way his passive aggressive behavior is a problem. Is he willing to work on communication? 

 

Post # 11
Member
937 posts
Busy bee

I dont know him so I cant say if I feel like he is being weird and acting out… I will say guys are a lot different then women, My husband never tells me when he is going to cut his hair or shave, he just does it. When I comment on it he always says something like “oh I was thinking about it for a while”. Where I plan my appointment a 3 weeks in advance and show him everything I am considering. But again that is my situation and not yours so I cant speculate. 

The dinner thing… I would be upset if I were in his shoes. My husband owns his own business and one of the vendors he spends boat loads of money with a year bought him concert tickets to one of his favorite bands, I wasnt allowed to go because it was a gift to him so it was supposed to be just him and the General manager of the supplier company. I found out later through facebook that they had also invited one of the lady sales clerks to go and she had posted it to facebook tagging him. I was upset that he didnt tell me, he said that he did not know until they were on the way but still he could have sent me a text letting me know it wasnt just him and the Groomsmen going. I got over it pretty quickly because in marriage you have to pick your battles and that wasnt one I wanted to wage war on. 

The setting a wedding date thing, that makes me wonder if he is ready or not. My sisters bf proposed and it took them 4 years to set a wedding date. She finally just said “that’s it we are getting married on June xxx” and they did. I would sit down with him and say that you would like to get married say next summer and how does july 15th or whatever sound. If he shuts you down then I think you have your answer. 

Being married is all about trust and communication and without those two things no marriage can survive happily. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

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anybee063:  sorry for your loss. I just know, that’s something my DH would like to know. And I would want to tell him in case it would make him uncomfortable. Because that’s the last thing I would want to do. I don’t really have any guy friends either. The only ones I have are DHs friends and they wouldn’t hang out with me if DH weren’t around anyway.

Post # 13
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015 - The Lodge at Mackenzie Place

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anybee063:  It sounds like you are trying your best to communicate and work with your Fiance.  You are correct in being concerned in the passive aggressive behaviors, a relationship is a partnership.  He needs to contribute to the household duties such as laundry and cleaning, it is unfair for him to shutdown when you share your feelings on these matters.  Who picks through the laundry basket and only does their clothing and leaves the rest on the floor?  That is very stunted, child-like behavior!  I would be livid!

Honestly, going out to dinner after work with co-workers is not that big of an issue.  You spend all day with both your male and female co-workers, and when co-workers go out to dinner after work, one can assume both genders will be invited/join in.  If you need to specify the age and gender of who went to dinner after work, he might be struggling with some jealousy.  Also, it sounded like a nice dinner, not a night of heavy drinking and possible debauchery?  Did he think the older married man with grown kids was going to give you the reach around?!  Seeing as he chooses not to participate in the events you have invited him to with your co-workers in the past, is it possible he is trying to create drama where there is none?

The head-shaving is the tip of the acting out.  He isn’t setting a date even with the intimate nature of your wedding, he is not communicating with you even though you are offering open forum to discuss his issues (email you about the wedding after he randomly shaved his head??? HA!), he is seeking out drama from shaving his head and picking apart a dinner without him, he is actively not participating in your household.

You need space from him with your parents.  That is a great idea!  While you are there, maybe reconnect with your therapist and see what he/she recommends.  Maybe write down what you want/need from your relationship vs. reality and think about if you and your Fiance can bridge the gap between those two lists.  You should urge your Fiance to also see a therapist, it might help open up the path of communication, and perhaps he can discover why he is acting out.  You both deserve to be in a rewarding, satisfying partnership.  It sounds like neither of you is being fulfilled by the other, and only you two can decide if it can be saved.  The best of luck, and I wish you a happier 2015!

 

Post # 14
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee

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anybee063:  Yeah it shouldn’t be this hard. Your communication with each other should be much more solid if you’re going to get married. This sounds like a couple who has been together like 2 months and is still in the “figuring it out” stage. I don’t ever wonder what my Fiance means when he says things or worry whether or not he’s into getting married. You shouldn’t have to feel this level of uncertainty to someone you’re prepared to commit your entire life to. This should feel like a sure thing, and it doesn’t. 

Also, I have to say about the school thing. My Fiance is 31, he is in school full-time too (for actuarial science, which is all high level math and programming, so not an easy major), AND he works full-time (in a warehouse). He still does the dishes, and the laundry. I do a lot for him too of course, and I never complain about our current low-income (because he’s doing all he can obviously), or about him having less free time to just hang out (he certainly wishes he had it too), but being in school shouldn’t just be a total “get out of all responsibility” card. 

 

Post # 15
Member
2244 posts
Buzzing bee

He sounds like my ex who in hindsight was emotionally abusive, you should read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft also maybe something about narsisistic personality disorders. after readding a couple of these i realized I shouldn’t have to try so hard, wasn’t married, moved on.

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