(Closed) FI sister & husband planned pregnancy and will miss our wedding (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

I would approach this situation by congratulating her and then dropping it. If you want to stick to your guns about the no kids thing, then you could mention it to her that you won’t be able to accomodate her infant (though I thought that people made exceptions for nursing newborns, but whatever) if she decides to go. I’m going to guess that she probably won’t make it to the wedding, but I don’t think it’s your place to say anything to her or your Future Mother-In-Law about it. And she’s already pregnant. Not much that can be done about it now.

Post # 4
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Honestly, I think it’s kinda of crappy to have a no kids policy at a destination wedding. Are you providing sitters? That’s a lot to ask of parents. 

Post # 5
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

What would you have them do?  What kind of solution would you suggest to this situation?  What would come from talking with her or FMIL?

Let me also assure you that the TTC (trying to conceive) process usually takes months, and in some cases, years to achieve.  Just because they started trying when they got married was no guarantee that it would happen for them this quickly.  I started trying BEFORE my wedding since I’m over 30 and, surprisingly, I was pregnant AT my wedding and will be missing a dear friend’s destination wedding… a wedding in which I was supposed to have been a bridesmaid.  So, she could technically be upset with me for planning to get pregnant, but I had no way of knowing which month would be our lucky month.

I wouldn’t worry about a baby stealing your thunder.  My baby niece was still breastfeeding so I wasn’t surprised to learn that my brother & his gf had brought her, but I didn’t even KNOW she was there until halfway through the reception.  She was about 4 months old, and I heard not ONE SINGLE PEEP out of her (though, my brother & his gf are considerate enough that if she had become cranky they would have stepped outside with her).

I guess the point is that this is one of those things over which you have zero control.  You don’t get to dictate when people start their families, and you don’t get to determine how people react to various life events.  All you can do is be happy that you’re marrying a wonderful person and hope that your families are happy for you as well.

Post # 6
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Well I dont really have any advice..but I do think they should have thought through about having a newborn right before your wedding when they are young..

But what I was going to say is that last feb my cousin had her wedding and her sister was pregnant and i think due a month or so after the wedding. She went into labour THE DAY BEFORE!! So at the wedding there was a less than 24 hour old baby. No one really bothered them mostly because she was sleeping the whole time, but a few people went over to have a look but nothing major I dont think

Post # 7
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@IUrebekah3RT:  The only thing you have to say to anyone is that you’re having an adults-only wedding. 

This will mean that your sister-in-law and her husband most likely won’t be there. That’s too bad, but that’s also life — there’s almost always someone important who can’t make it to the wedding for whatever reason. 

Congrats to you on your wedding and to your SIL on her pregnancy — don’t hate on her too much for trying to get pregnant. Even people in their 20s can have a hard time getting pregnant right away, and it’s not really anyone’s business but theirs when they started trying for a baby. 

Post # 8
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Boston Bee:  +1 . I recommend looking at this situation from another angle. Your SIL is willing to travel 16 hours by car with a brand new baby just to make it to your wedding. Most people wouldn’t bother, so she’s really trying to go above and beyond.

Post # 9
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m sorry this bothers you… but honestly, no one can “plan” to have a baby and magically become pregnant and make the due date right before something important. If not your wedding, someone else’s or another event. It sounds like she doesn’t want you to feel like she doesn’t want to be apart of your day, so she wants to make an effort to be there. If she can, she will. If she cannot, she will have to celebrate from afar. No child overshadows a wedding. 

Post # 10
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I had a no kids wedding. But, I think asking someone to leave a 4 week old baby at home to attend your destination wedding is kind of crazy. It also sounds like your sister got pregnant the first month they were trying – she had no way of knowing that it would happen that fast. So, I would cut her some slack. She likely won’t be at your wedding. But, it really is just a day. You’ll be just as married and happy with your relationship than if she had been there. Life will go on!

Post # 11
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Just congratulate them, whats done is done, I wouldn’t worry about anything right now.

Post # 12
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Please do not sit your in laws down and explain how upset you are that SIL did not wait to procreate and that having your new niece or nephew there will be upstaging you. That will not go over well.

You can tell your SIL that you have already said no kids, and you are not making any exceptions, but I wouldn’t go that route either. That will probably alienate you from his family forever and honestly, that’s not the hill I want to die on.

This birth is 6-7 months away. A whole lot can happen in that time. Your SIL could go overdue 2 weeks and be induced on your wedding day. She could give birth prematurely and have her baby in the NICU. She could severely injur herself giving birth and have to recover in such a way that all travel plans are curtailed. Or, most likely, she could give birth somewhere between 1-3 weeks before your wedding, and decide that traveling 16 hours away from home with her newborn is not something she wants to do. I would say the likelihood of her actually coming is less than 10%- don’t alienate her over something that likely won’t happen on its own, anyways.

Post # 13
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@msfahrenheit:  +1  excellent way to view this situation

What in the world is there to talk about?! The baby is coming and I cannot think of 1 good outcome from telling a family member what you’re thinking.  You really don’t know what their “planned pregnancy” means.  Some couples start trying right away because it takes years to get pregnant- maybe that’s what they were thinking.

If you don’t want children, tell your sister the policy still stands and you are honored that she still wants to celebrate with you during such an important time.  However, almost always no-kids policy does not apply to nursing mothers.  Those suckers need to eat every 2 hours!

Post # 14
3697 posts
Sugar bee

it wouldn’t have killed their family dreams to wait a mere three months or so to start trying for a family to ensure they would be able to attend our wedding. I mean, Fiance and I would love to start trying for children after our wedding since I will be 30 but I am in my best friends wedding 3 months later so we are going to hold off in respect for her.


I’m sorry, but it seems really backward to me to put a child’s life on hold (or expect someone else to) for the sake of somebody else’s one-day celebration.

Congratulate them and tell them you hope they are still able to make it, but, if not, it will be because the entire family has so many reasons to celebrate next June.

Post # 15
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry but you DO sound petty and like a crazy bride. Saying any of the things you’ve said here would be shooting yourself in the foot and causes a whole shit storm. Just let it go, she’s not even had the baby yet. Wait and see what happens.

Post # 16
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Darling Husband and I married in July (we are about to turn 29 and want two kids), and we started trying in October hoping that it would happen right away.  It hasn’t.  My sister is getting married in October 2013 about five hours away from where I live.  We talked about stopping TTC for two or three months as to not miss her wedding.  Then we decided we were just going to keep on trying, especially since I haven’t gotten pregnant for the first two months we have tried. 

I just have to hope that she will understand if I become pregnant.  She knows we are trying, but she doesn’t understand that I wouldn’t really be able to attend the month before or after a baby was born—she just doesn’t “get” it.  I definitely don’t want to miss her wedding, but I do want to be a mother sooner rather than later.  I know she would be sad, and I would too—but she would be thrilled for us.  I feel like some members of my family (namely my mother) might be irritated.  I worry a little that I won’t be able to forgive myself for missing my little sister’s big day. 

That being said (even though I kinda threadjacked), I am more in the the love108 camp for your situation. 

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