(Closed) FI started talking to ex behind my back……

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I think you are overreacting and need to back off. If anything, this behavior is counterproductive and could make you a lot less attractive as a longterm partner.

Post # 4
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Awww I am really so so sorry this is happening to you. I’ve been there before but I cant give you any advice b/c the way I went about dealing with things I’m sure was not healthy or smart in any way. I hope you get some good advice from other Bees!

Post # 5
Member
9686 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ok, please take a deep breath.  It isn’t so bad.  However, it in NO WAY makes you less attractive as a partner.  (Nice, brenda.m.fields, as though she isn’t already upset enough).

I understand how you feel.  But you need to get this across to your Fiance in a positive way rather than a negative way.

It is not worth leaving him over.  He is not cheating.  It was only one message.  Try to stay calm.  He isn’t going to cheat on you. 

Try to appeal to his protective male nature when you talk to him about this.  He obviously doesn’t want to hurt you, right?  You know he loves you.  He feels as though you’re being unreasonable.  So, you need to be reasonable when you speak with him.  Let him know her being around again does upset you.  And you are important to him and he does not want you upset.  And tell him it is because you DO love and trust him completely but you don’t trust her motives.  Ask him to try to think how he would feel if the situation were reversed and you were communicating with an old ex of yours.

Let him know that you need him to help you with this, to protect you from being hurt by her trying to contact him.  Please try to see his point of view, as well.  He needs you to trust him.  Ok?

It’s going to be ok.  Please feel free to PM if you want to, because I know what you’re going through.  It’s tough, I know.  But it is going to work out ok for you.

Edit:  NO, I know it is tempting, but don’t contact her in any way, at least not yet.  Otherwise all of this might backfire.  You want him to see YOUR side of this and how it hurts you. 

Post # 6
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mrsSonthebeach:  +1

I mean this kindly, but premature jealousy and fb-stalking (ie how do you know he messaged her) can push someone away, no matter how much they love you. Please tread carefully.

Post # 7
Member
9686 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

OMG.  I would love to know how you would all feel if YOUR SO/FI/DH were contacted by an ex and he didn’t tell you. And corresponded anyway, knowing it would upset you. How on earth does it in any way at all reflect on the OP?  She has done nothing wrong.  She is looking for support. 

Post # 8
Member
9686 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bythebook:  Agree with your last sentence.  She hasn’t confronted him yet and is looking for advice on how to.  I think she should NOT accuse him in any way.  She should let the Facebook post go but still be able to freely express to him that she needs him to protect her from being hurt by his ex.

Post # 9
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think your overreacting but I do think there are some big issues here. First is that he lies to you. He said he doesn’t talk to her when 2 hrs earlier he messaged her. Also, “I have tried explaining to him that it hurts my feelings when he talks to her so instead of just stopping talking to her he changes her name in his phone, hides the messages on FB and to me that is even worse that he hides them”- That is shady behavior. You said that you trust him but not her, well if your constantly going through his FB messages, texts and emails then no you don’t trust him nor should you.  That’s a HUGE red flag.  Although this girl needs to get out of your life, I think the real problem is with your man not the other women.  He should have enough respect for you and your feelings to leave the past behind and care more about your relationship. Unfortuneatly these things aren’t an easy fix. I think if you really need couseling and to get everything out in the open to rebuild trust. Or leave him now. Don’t marry him if you don’t trust him.

Post # 10
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Whew. I read your whole post, and I’m going to do my best to break it down. First off, I can already predict that a lot of people will tell you you should break up, because you should never be with someone you don’t trust and who lies to you.

But, I will not be the person that tells you that. From the sound of it, your Fi really doesn’t see any problem with talking to her, because he knows she means nothing to him and he would never cheat on you, so what’s the big deal? So he thinks that by pretending not to talk to her, he can placate you while not riling her up by getting into “my fiancee doesn’t want me to talk to you”. So you’re right, the biggest thing here is to make him see that his behavior is NOT placating the situation — it’s actually making it worse, because now he’s sneaking around doing it.

I can feel your Fi’s side of this a little bit, because I always used to carry on friendships with exes after breaking up. Or former buck-fuddies who were friends first — I saw no problem continuing the friendship after ending the bucking part πŸ˜‰  And in fact, if a guy I dated said something like “I don’t want you talking to them!” I would get all huffy, like they can’t tell me what to do and I’m my own person and I’ll carry on friendships with whomever I please, etc etc.

But then I got together with my Fi. And for some reason, when he said he didn’t want me remaining friends with anyone I’d slept with, I thought that was okay. There are over six billion people in the world, most of whom I’ve never had sex with. Why was it so important to remain friends with people that make Fi uncomfortable?? And slowly, I realized he was right and I started breaking off contact with all those people. And now I’m glad they’re all gone, because at some point, there will ALWAYS be an awkward moment with an ex when everyone in the room is keenly aware of how “well” they know you.

So anyway, that’s where I would start — reiterating to your Fi that it’s not that you’re afraid he’ll cheat, or that you don’t trust him; you’d just rather he find some new friends who maybe don’t know him carnally and aren’t in love with him! If he really and truly thinks this isn’t something that’s fair to ask, then I guess you’re in a bit of a pickle.

Another personal anecdote that seems to related: Fi and I used to have a mutual friend named Sara. Whenever we were drinking and around Sara, we’d end up fighting. Badly. Several times we nearly broke up. We never could quite pinpoint what it was that would make us fight — it’s not like she DID something, but something about her and her behavior just instigated a lot of fights. So one day I said to Fi “I would really prefer if we didn’t hang out with Sara anymore.” I expected this to be a fight, as she had been a close and integral part of our mutual social network. But he immediately agreed, saying “I agree. I don’t like fighting with you, and she’s not important enough to be worth that.”

So if talking about this girl always causes fights, then your Fi has to decide: is she worth the drama? Odds are she’s not.

Post # 11
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

@Sunfire:  Hey, the truth can hurt, and I don’t think I was harsh in what I said. This is extremely unproductive behavior on OPs part and is already causing her partner to alter his behavior so that he can continue doing something that is in no way wrong because it upsets her. That’s unhealthy for the relationship, and eventually, a person may decide it’s just not worth the stress.

To the OP, you need to work on building a trusting relationship by realizing that your partner can maintain relationships with other women without it being a threat to you and by allowing him to be honest with you about it without trying to trap him in conversations where you already know about his behavior and are expecting him to come clean.

Post # 12
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Was there anything in the message that upset you? I can understand being jealous of a past relationship. However, I think you need to calm down a little and take a few deep breaths. My advice would be to tell him that if he wants to talk to her that is fine. As long as he keeps you apprised of their conversations. Trying to keep him from talking to her when he does not see it as a big deal will cause some major issues. You both need to be on the same page with this. And there has to be more of a reason than she is your ex for it to work. If lines are crossed that is one thing, but if they are just catching up then I wouldn’t be worried about anything.

And I have been in your shoes, so this is the voice of experience talking πŸ™‚

Post # 13
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I do think some aspects of your behavior would be controlling, IF your fi hadnt agreed not to speak to her. I think sit down when you are as calm as you could be have a talk with them, and try to keep it into turning in a fight so you guys dont detract from the orginal message.

Post # 14
Member
9686 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@PinkFlemingo:  I love this response!

Post # 15
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It doesn’t matter whether or not you trust her, you obviously don’t trust him because you’re in his Facebook account finding the messages that he is sending to her. So why do you trust him? He’s lying to your face about something you’ve told him you’re sensitive about.

This is a huge red flag. Please reevaluate your priorities and figure out if this guy is worth staying with. If he’s getting away with it now, nothing is going to change after you say vows.

 

Post # 16
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

 I need to talk to him tonight about this because yes I do trust him but I do not trust her at all

instead of just stopping talking to her he changes her name in his phone, hides the messages on FB

These two statements don’t add up. How can you trust him when he lies to you?

Also, I’ve never bought the “I trust my partner, I just don’t trust [insert name] or [insert gender].” Because if you truly trusted your partner, trusting the other people wouldn’t matter. If your partner is trustworthy, it wouldn’t matter if the other person made a move – it still wouldn’t result in cheating.

He’s lying, you’re snooping…personally, I wouldn’t get married while this kind of immature nonsense is going on.

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