(Closed) FI started talking to ex behind my back……

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
10018 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mrsSonthebeach:  If my Fiance chose keeping in contact with an ex who I knew wanted him back over not having ME hurt, then that would tell me a lot.  And it might be a dealbreaker.

I am lucky in that my Fiance always wants to protect me from being hurt and therefore, because he knows I trust him with my life, doesn’t do anything to cause me pain.  No matter what it is.  It is enough that he knows it hurts me, therefore, he does not do it.

I completely disagree with you. 

OP’s FI’s ex is violating boundaries that the OP has asked to not be violated.  And she has EVERY RIGHT to ask that and expect it to be honored.

Post # 18
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

If my guy was lying straight to my face, hiding the fact that he is talking to her, and changing her name in his phone, his ass would be out the door. 

The fact that he continues to hurt you means he doesn’t care enough about you. The fact that he will blatantly lie to your face shows you he doesn’t respect you, and if you continue in this relationship, it will not end well

Post # 19
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@mightywombat:  “Personally, I wouldn’t get married while this kind of immature nonsense is going on.”


Ditto.

Post # 20
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@mightywombat:  Also, I’ve never bought the “I trust my partner, I just don’t trust [insert name] or [insert gender].” Because if you truly trusted your partner, trusting the other people wouldn’t matter. If your partner is trustworthy, it wouldn’t matter if the other person made a move – it still wouldn’t result in cheating.

Exactly!  I DO trust my husband, so I have no fear of other women, because regardless of what they would do or say, I know he wouldn’t do anything that goes against our marriage vows

Post # 21
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

@mightywombat:  THIS.

OP, it’s pretty clear that you don’t trust your Fiance since you’re snooping through his stuff and discovering that he’s lying to you. This wouldn’t fly with me either and I’d seriously re-evaluate the relationship. It’s one thing if he discusses this with you and disagrees with your way of thinking, but hiding things and lying to you is not a good foundation for a marriage.

Post # 22
Member
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@mrsSonthebeach:  helloo if my Fiance contacted his ex and knew i didn’t want him 2 id freak out 2! geez. like she isn’t feeling bad enough you are trying to make her feel worse? 

Post # 23
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mightywombat:  “He’s lying, you’re snooping…personally, I wouldn’t get married while this kind of immature nonsense is going on.”  <


that.

You’re both being secretive in different ways. Good luck.

Post # 24
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think there is no trust in this relationship and for good reason

Post # 25
Member
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Also he changes her name in his phone???? something funny is going on here. and i would NOT marry someone when all this was happening. you may say you trust him but if you trusted him you wouldn’t know he messaged her b.c you wouldn’t check.  you would trust he wasn’t im not saying its a bad thing you don’t trust him b.c from what iv read he doesn’t deserve ur trust.

Post # 26
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well I would never be with someone who lied to me so that’s my stance on that. Once you lie you break the trust and obviously you have good reason not to trust him- he’s lying to your face, more concerned about maintaining a relationship with an ex that his one with you his soon to be wife…I mean really? If not trusting a liar makes someone an unattractive partner then man am I glad I am not in a relationship with you.

Post # 27
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

“This is extremely unproductive behavior on OPs part and is already causing her partner to alter his behavior so that he can continue doing something that is in no way wrong because it upsets her.”

 

@mrsSonthebeach:  it is wrong, considering he knows its something she has an issue with. If he thought it was unreasonable for her to ask that he not have contact with the ex then he should have addressed it when the topic first came up and never agreed to those terms. It is a betrayal on his part that he is a.)doing something he promised not to do b) doing something he knows will hurt his Fiance and c) lying to her face about it whout batting an eye.

To the OP: ;I can say that when you go looking for something you will find it, as such, I dont think its wise nor is it respectful to go through your FI’s personal accounts like an fb or email box. That in and of itself says you do not trust your Fiance.

I won’t say leave him because, lets face it, we all know that is not going to happen and that this is a decision that can only be made by you.

With those things said, here is my advice… In order to confront him about this you will have to out yourself as a snoop. So be prepared to apologize and address your issues of mistrust during this discussion. I can almost guarantee you that you going behind his back and going through his things can be taken as a betrayal just as him talking to his ex behind your back is a betrayal to you. Its two different things, but both are deceitful. You will have to be honest about why this bothers you and be as candid (yet respectful) as possible in conveying your feelings about his messaging her, his lying and why this is damaging to your relationship. Talk it out and try to make your decisions together so that youa re both clear on your expectations from here on out on how this situation needs to be handled.

Lastly, If you are going to choose to forgive him, you really must forgive him if you are going to stay with him. I fully believe that to trust someone is a choice and there is nothing they can do after something like this to prove to you that it will never happen again. If you cannot let this go, it will eat away at you and come up (even if not directly) in almost every argument you have because it will always be a point of tension between you. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Live by that, he already fooled you once so now keep your eyes open but try and keep your trust in tact. Without it your relationship will never truly be healthy.

Post # 29
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@mightywombat:  Best said. There’s a ton of immaturity going on from both sides.

Forbidden fruit, my dear. You’ve made talking to her dangerous and off-limits. And for many, that’s pretty seductive. I’m not saying it isn’t your fault, but I’ve found that the best way to trust a man is to act like you trust him. Dont forbid him from communicating or seeing people. Dont snoop. Dont bring up ex’s. Just let it go and see how he reacts. A little trust can go a long ways.

Post # 31
Member
10018 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Randi156:  You’re welcome.  I can tell you’re hurting and I’m so sorry.  But this is something that can be worked out between the two of you.  Stardustintheeyes just had some very good advice.  You can PM me any time, I will be glad to help all I can.

For the record, I don’t think either you or your Fiance are bad, at all.  I think this is an issue that can be resolved. 

The topic ‘FI started talking to ex behind my back……’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors