(Closed) FI started talking to ex behind my back……

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Sunfire:  I agree that if it’s something non trivial that this is very important thing for your partner to honor your wishes.  At the same time, to do the same for your partner and in loving your partner, shouldn’t you also try and figure out why something bothers you as much as it does and maybe find a way to fix it for him?   It just seems a little selfish to say, I don’t know why it bothers me but it does so you shouldn’t do it anymore.  Sure a loving guy will be like, no problem.  But I find it important to reciprocate the same love and respect for your partner as they do for you….

Post # 48
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I feel bad for you. Initially when my Fiance started dating, his ex would contact him all the time. The ex was also responsible for breaking up a previous relationship of his. I felt horrible doing it but I knew I couldn’t live with him having constant contact with her and I asked him to break off communication with her. He did BUT she would contact him every once in a while just to see if I had changed my mind. Seriously – as if I would.

I don’t really have any advice to say, but as I see it, if your Fiance choose to be with you, then he should do everything he can to have a trusting and loving environment.  She’s an ex for a reason and he needs to remember that.

Hope you feel better 

 

Post # 49
Member
3686 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If she truly meant nothing to him, he’d have no trouble blocking her and never hearing from her again. 

Also, you say your gut is telling you to run.  The gut tends to be much smarter than the heart.

Post # 50
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I kind of see both sides to this, but only from my own experience.

I had a brief (sort of) relationship with a person who then became my best friend. He then started dating this girl for 5 years who had a major issue with me being a part of his life. I am engaged to someone else, and honestly have no desire to get him “back”. He’s my friend. I want to hang out with him. As friends. That is really and truly all I want. He never wanted to get back together with me either, we are platonic friends. I tried to make an effort to be friends with her too, so that she wouldn’t feel threatened. She was so jealous though and would constantly read his private messages etc so that eventually he felt that he couldn’t tell her if he spoke to me. Eventually he cut contact with me completely. They have since broken up.

I stay on good terms with most of my exes, and will reply to a message on fb or text. No hard feelings. My Fiance is the same with his exes. HOWEVER, if one of these exes expressed a desire to rekindle the relationship, neither of us would continue contact with that person.

You are clearly reading his fb and text messages constantly, and stalking her fb page to see if she’s back online. This doesn’t indicate that you trust him. He should not be lying to you, but you should also not be snooping and invading his privacy.

Post # 51
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think you both need to grow up a bit before considering marriage. This seems very absurd that you’re worried about him talking to an ex.

This topic will be very divided but I am of the opinion that you shouldn’t marry (or date) someone you have to instruct how to carry on their lives. If you feel the need to direct who they should talk to, see, interact with, etc. you’re not in a healthy relationship.

Mutual trust should be at the very core of what you have with someone and because I’ve been cheated on before, I have adopted this as my mantra. I don’t care who my Fiance talks to – he is worthy of my trust and I would give him nothing less. If you’re not at that point in your relationship, then move on or work on it.

Personally, if my Fiance told me I couldn’t talk to someone, I would think he lost his mind. I don’t care who it was.

Post # 52
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Here’s my take.

    1. It’s f—d up that he’s lying about talking to her. Sorry, pardon my language. Lying to your spouse isn’t right. I just couldn’t ever imagine doing that to my FIANCE, or him to me. The name changing is a red flag. A huge one. When Fiance and I got engaged, a girl he had slept with and used to be friends with texted him: “I miss you!!” I was livid. Fiance made NO effort to delete it. Showed me instantly, and didn’t reply. Deleted her number off of his phone.
    2. It’s not right that you’re going through his emails. But I’m going to be realistic, and account for the fact that you’re going through them because you have reason to not trust him. I’ve admittedly gone through FI’s. We have a fight, I’m mad, and I snoop. I think I’ve done it 4 times total, and I’ve never found ANYTHING remotely incriminating. For that reason, I never go through his things. He gives me the same courtesy.

    People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I live by that. You two need to resolve this ASAP, or your relationship has no future. Just being blunt.

    Post # 53
    Member
    1211 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t get the “I trust him i just don’t trust her.” if u trust him then you trust him. I’m pretty chummy with one of my exes. My bf knows and just rolls with it. 

    Last week my guy and I were out at the strip club. He was in line for drinks and I was over chatting with friends when I saw some chick hitting on him. Did I care? No. He sent her over to me, telling her I’m the law when it comes to whether or not he can buy me a drink, I confirmed that his ass is mine but that I’d allow him to buy her a drink. *shrug*. Then he spent the rest of the night with his friends in a booth and I spent a few hours getting hit on by some cute British guy up at the bar. I was just killing time. And who doesnt like hot black Britsh guys?? What did my guy say about it? “hey whatever, the more drinks other guys buy you is less money I need to spend”, then gives me a smooch, smacks my butt and walks away.

    Absolute. Trust. 

    Sometimes you need to just give your partner their space. You need to get secure in YOURSELF. It’s insecurity thatmakes people all jealous and crazy.

    Post # 54
    Member
    700 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2004

    I would be SUPER pissed. I feel like when you decide to share your life with someone else, it’s no longer your right to keep things hidden from one another. I personally don’t care about any of my husbands exes, and I’ve never come across this problem, but if he lied to me about anything like that, I would lose it. How do you expect to trust someone who would keep something so stupid like that from you? If one of my husbands exes did contact him, I’m pretty sure he would tell me and be like “that was weird”. I think that it is obviously something that is really bothering you and causes you a lot of hurt, and for that reason alone it should be important to him. If he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he has no business secretly emailing any other woman. ever. I think you should probably tell him that you saw the message, and you can’t understand why he would lie to you about it. I wouldn’t leave him over it, but I also wouldn’t hide the fact that you know for fear of him getting mad at you. Good luck! and let us know how it goes.

    Post # 55
    Member
    2649 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    What mrsGolden2be said: much better than I could

    Post # 56
    Member
    601 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    firstly i’m so sorry you’re going through this. The lies are not ok, and i totally get that it hurts. I think you need to speak to him about that. But i also think you need to be careful. If she is being malicious she will thrive on any drama in your relationship. Good luck, its a rubbish situation. Keep your chin up! X x

    Post # 57
    Member
    1211 posts
    Bumble bee

    @imalittlebirdie:  Why thank you dahling.

    My reply was rushed at work so I just realized I didn’t say that I don’t think it’s right of him to be HIDING things from you. That’s what would make me mad here. Not that he was chatting to an ex but that there was lieing. I think it’s wrong he is being sneaky even if the lie was to spare your feelings as I think another poster suggested. But I also think you should really consider WHY their communication freaks you out so much and examine whether or not your fear is coming from a RATIONAL place. Especially before you do anything drastic like start throwing around ultimatums.

    Post # 58
    Member
    390 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    How is anyone not seeing a HUGE red flag that he is hiding things from her to talk to his ex and not respecting her feelings? He lies and hides things. He is not trustworthy. She is not overreacting. She’s about to marry someone who does not respect her wishes and lies.

     

    That is not acceptable and lies are a deal breaker. My fiance and I believe in honesty; even when it hurts.

    Post # 59
    Member
    390 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I dont mean that nobody is seeing the wrong, but the first comment I read was about her letting it go. Not cool. Changing names in his phone to cover it being who it really is? Cheater tendancies all over it.

     

    DITCH THE DUDE BEFORE YOU MARRY INTO THIS. I’m telling you. One of my ex boyfriends did that and he cheated on me all the time.

    This is just common sense talking.

    Post # 60
    Member
    967 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @MrsGolden2Bee:  THIS!

    I remember when Fiance and I first moved in together we ended up running into a chick he knew at a party…..she was TOTALLY hitting on him, and i watched with interest (since he is clueless when a woman hits on him)…..

    So she finally stops and she introduces herself to me and asks how I know my Fiance and I said that we live together….she said “Oh, like a roommate?” and I said “No, like a girlfriend”…..the look on her face was priceless….FI’s friend watched the whole thing and just started laughing and walked away…..

    This girl still tried hitting on Fiance a few more times at different parties/times….of course, i trusted him….I let him deal with her on his own (she was one of those really desperate girls who will move onto the next guy when she sees nothing is happening with one)…..

    If you don’t have that type of trust why would you want to get married?

    Post # 61
    Member
    673 posts
    Busy bee

    and I know he isn’t actually going out and cheating but to me talking to someone and feeling feelings towards them and wanting to know how they are is like emotional cheating and just as bad.

    There is so much disturbing stuff in this one sentence. By this definition, everytime I talk to someone I feel I care about, and I ask them how they are doing, I am cheating on my man. Wow, I hate to break that news to him since it means I’ve been emotionally cheating on him with many people every week since we started dating!

    I realize this may fall into the sarcasm rule that mods like to pull out from time-to-time, but I think this really deserves to be highlighted to show just how absurd this notion is in a healthy, happy relationship. If you are threatened by any woman who you fear he might have feelings about that could possess him to ask how they are doing, well, then I see that as a huge red flag.

    I agree with others that his attempts to hide his friendship with her are troublesome. However, I can also see where if OP is this paranoid and can’t give a logical answer to why she should have the right to give the stamp of approval to anyone he even casually catches up with, he probably feels like he has to hide his life from her.

    There are so many warning signs here that you two are not likely ready for marriage. You can’t trust him, and he feels like he has to hide from you. Also, you might want to ease up on your definition of emotional cheating, OP. Even if we’re talking about exes, it’s a bit extreme.

    The topic ‘FI started talking to ex behind my back……’ is closed to new replies.

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