Post # 1
I’m not should sure if I should be concerned about this.
Little background, I divorced in 2004 after 10 yrs of marriage, exH was cheating. I no longer feel anything toward him but indifference which to me means, I am over him.
My Fiance, who I have been w for nearly 3 years, divorced in 2008 after 5 yrs w his ex. Apparently she was verbally, and at times, physically abusive. Fiance spoke to a counselor about that stuff to get over it. note, I got together w him about a year after his divorce went thru.
However, he is still very angry toward his ex (and this is 2012) which to me indicates that feelings still exist. I know he hasn’t been divorced as long as me, but also he was w her half as long. It bugs me any emotion at all, positive or negative would be expended on her. What do I do, if anything? They dont really communicate at all, no kids, but if he runs into her he feels the need to be cordial.(which I don’t see the point of it). All other aspects of our relationship seem perfect, but I just don’t get this, because I’m in a different place about my ex. Any one else go thru similar?
Post # 3
People grieve and heal in different ways. Have you two discussed this?
Thats a lot of emotion married, divorced, in a new relationship, engaged all in the span of 8 short years.
Post # 4
I have an abusive ex, and while I could not possibly be more over him, I’m still very angry about the things he did to me. However, I never think about him or that anger unless something stimulates that memory, and when I do remember it, I move on quickly. I think a big difference you need to consider is whether he seems to go out of his way to be angry and really dwells on those feelings, or if he’s simply angry when she’s brought to his attention. If it doesn’t occupy a lot of his time or energy that could be spent elsewhere, I wouldn’t worry about it. However, if he seems preoccupied by those feelings, address the problem.
Post # 5
I am the same….
I have an abusive ex….I don’t think about him unless someone or something brings him up….going through abuse like that is very difficult….and everyone deals with it differently….
Post # 6
I have an ex who did something really badly to me. Aside from the point that he was a liar in our relationship, something happened after and I will never, ever forgive him. We don’t talk, we’re not FB friends, I try not to be friends w/ any of his friends and we never bump into each other except like twice. Both times, he tried to talk to me and I just stayed silent. I am SO definitely over him. I was over him before this incident happened, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still angry at him.
I agree w/@Taeyers
, I think it depends on whether he spends his days constantly angry at and thinking of his ex-W or if it’s just when she’s brought up or when something stirs the memory.
Post # 7
I think his situation is very different to yours, having had an abusive spouse – I imagine it’s hurtful to have a cheating one, too, but spousal abuse (if it’s ongoing), can completely destroy a person’s sense of self in ways that are nearly impossible to imagine. I’m not surprised that he’s still angry – I know many people that have been in abusive relationships, and it leaves a mark, and it’s completely understandable to be angry for someone “stealing” that much of your life and using what is supposed to be precious time together to deliberately hurt you.
If you honestly feel that this is becoming an issue between you two, then I would suggest talking with him about it, and him possibly seeking counselling (and you as well if you’re comfortable doing so).
Post # 8
Ok thank you to posters that explain the abuse part to me. I dont think I went thru that in the classical sense, not the way he did. And no, he doesn’t brood over it…it seems like certain situations ‘trigger’ the memories, and those are the times I see his anger toward her. But it’s the anger I don’t get. But he doesn’t seem to be thinking of it on a regular basis.
I just get insecure he has remaining feelings left for her, because of the anger emotion. I have been very happy to get past my anger at my own ex for the cheating, and I guess I’d feel better if ex was indifferent as I am. Can I do anything, or will he get to indifference w time? I really think it’s the abuse aspect I dont get, I have never been hit by anyone in my life. And I want to be understanding.
Post # 9
I don’t know b/c my ex didn’t physically abuse me in the relationship. The “incident” was 5 years ago and I’m still angry. I feel like it’s something I will never get over. I know people say that time heals all wounds, though. Maybe some wounds just take longer than others?
Post # 10
I occasionally get angry when I think of my ex. The six years I wasted, allowed him to just drain my bank balance and my soul. I have no feelings for him anymore, they went well before we broke up. I just get angry at myself for allowing that relationship to continue as long as it did. Maybe that’s why he is upset too? Just a thought 🙂
Post # 11
I don’t think you should expect indifference from anyone who suffered abuse. You just need to realize that his anger has no bearing on your relationship or his feeling toward you. It’s his self-worth recoiling against the injustice that took place, not him dwelling on “feelings” for her. It’s great that you can get to a place of indifference, and there are many emotionally traumatic things I’ve been through with exes that I’m indifferent about, but the physical abuse feels like it’s not even in the same ballpark.
Post # 12
I honestly don’t think you should worry about this. I personaly was in an abusive relationship (he wasn’t just the relationship itself) that was over 4 years ago and we only dated for a year, I am completely over this man but I still think about him and have strong feelings towards him. If I see him I am nice and polite but am extremely angry inside and it bothers me for at least a few hours. I am happly engaged and over him, so in your eyes I should not have this anger, but because I went through something so life changing and being a different kind of person the hate is still there. I think you should sit down with your Fiance and speak to him about your feelings but I do not think you should be upset with him over this because he obviously deals with the ending of a relationship differently. It’s like when someone dies and you don’t want to talk about it because it’s easier for you, would you be upset with someone who had an easier time talking about it? Just take a step back and try to see for his eyes.
EDIT: i just saw your update, I think you two should go to a therapy session together, not that you need it, but it might be good to have a third party who knows about this stuff help you understand what he went through and how to help him. The first step is understanding his feelings and that comes from a very long talk. Good luck 🙂
Post # 13
@squishee: I think the circumstances are different. Your ex cheated on you. He disrespected your relationship, however, he kept your personhood and your right to it dignified.
Your BF’s ex on the other hand, stripped him of his basic sense of self by belittling him, emasculating him, stripping him of his self worth, and stealing his essense of himself away from him. It’s normal to harbor resentment for such massive power over another person.
Post # 14
Thanks everyone for adding the different perspectives, I’m sure this is why I don’t ‘get it’. I just want to be understanding of the situation. When I first started dating him I was leery because I figured I’d be his ‘rebound’ girl since he was pretty fresh off his divorce (IMO) when we started. So I think I figured his anger toward her would dissipate 3 years later, and especially since he went to therapy about it (which he said helped).
One thing you bees helped me see though is that it doesn’t have bearing on his feelings toward me. He either processes it differently because of what happened, or just more time needs to pass. I guess I’m starting to examine every aspect of the relationship because I want to make sure I am with the right person. I thought I was the first time I married, and look what happened,ugh! So I want to have considered everything this time.
Thank you all 🙂
Post # 15
I can understand your concerns but definitely agree with PP’s about the abuse part. I think as time goes on, he might not be as angry but I can definitely see why he would still harbor those strong feelings against her. I really don’t think there are feelings for her at all. Best of luck!
Post # 16
@squishee: Don’t worry about this. My Fi’s ex-wife was verbally abusive, possibly clinically insane and probably in the running for worst ex ever. Their marriage was a nightmare but he wouldn’t leave because of the kids. When we first dated, it was 5 years after his divorce and she had eventually drugged herself to death with prescription drugs 4 years before (year after their divorce)
He is still very angry and will talk about it at length until he realizes that he is talking about it too much (we have been together 2 1/2 years) but it has never affected his feelings for me. If anything, it makes him more appreciative of what we have since she set the bar so low.