(Closed) FI thinks he is gay

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@devasted-bride:  (hugs) I’m so sorry you have to go through this.  I’m glad he came clean to you before the wedding and not after years and years of marriage.  I really don’t have any advice, but we’re all here for you.  Stay strong.  

Post # 4
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Well as devastating as this is (and I am sure it is), far better to find out now than after getting married. Sending lots of hugs!

Post # 5
Member
5786 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

1. I am so so sorry this is happening to you

2. Please do not tell his family he is gay. That is his information to share if/when he comes to terms with it. I would just ask him to say that he got cold feet/called it off. That way he can take responsibility and still have time to work his feelings out.

Post # 6
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Holy cow…what a heavy thing to drop on you 3 months before your wedding! The good thing is, he didn’t go through with the wedding. His secret would have been far worse to  find out after you were married. 

When he says he wants to work on things, does he mean that he still wants to be with you? I know there are people who are bisexual, but he’s broken your trust by kissing someone else while you’re engaged. Sorry…that’s still cheating in my book. It wouldn’t have been ok if he was kissing another girl…so why is it ok if he kissed another guy? 

I think you did the right thing by calling off the wedding. Now it’s up to you to believe if his intentions on working on things is the right thing to do or if you just want to walk from this situation. 

Post # 7
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am so sorry for you hun. The only positive I see, is at least he told you before you got married and had an affair..Stay strong

Post # 8
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

oh my god. I’m so sorry this has happened.

Outing the real reason to his family might not be the best idea right now, he really needs to tell them himself.

Is there anyone you can talk to? You cant hold all this in yourself!

Post # 9
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is really sad and I’m so sorry you’re going through it – I can’t even imagine.   But if his family will not be supportive of his sexuality – which might explain why he’s hidden it – you might make things even worse (for both of you) by telling them.   I’m sure he’s devastated too. Please know that just because he is gay doesn’t mean he doesn’t adore you – just not in the way he knows he’s supposed to.   My aunt went through this – she was with a guy for 7 years, she really loved him and WANTED nothing more than to be straight and stay with him, but deep down she knew it wasn’t right.  It was just as hard for her as it was for him.  You have every right to be hurt, crushed, devastated – etc – but please don’t let those emotions lead you to punish him for something he’s probably been trying to fight his entire life. 

*hugs*

 

ETA – not outing him doesn’t mean you have to take shit from them. Don’t answer your phone and like others have said, surround yourself with your family and friends and ignore the noise.  

Post # 10
Member
46415 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

It is not fair however to blackmail him into coming out to his family when he isn’t even sure what his sexual preference is himself.

I suggets the two of you tell everyone it was a joint decision and stick to that story. It is no one else’s business why you decided to call off the marriage.

Post # 11
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@devasted-bride:  I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I think the best questions to ask yourself right now, require eliminating the fact that he is gay from your decisions. Would you tell the family if he had cheated on you with a woman?

I’m so sorry he betrayed you, gay or not, and I wish you all the best. 

Post # 12
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

So sorry this happened to you! but as KT808 said better to find out before getting married. I don’t know if I would “work on things” with him. I mean I would suggest talking this out with him though. Maybe he is just confused? Or maybe he is bi? I don’t really have experience with this type of thing but a lot of people just need to experiment with their sexuality so maybe this is just some type of phase? Just a suggestion.

Post # 13
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@devasted-bride:  I’m so sorry you are hurting. I agree that there really isn’t anything to work on here. He has feelings for someone else that match feelings he had for a guy in college — it seems these feelings he has won’t just vanish, on top of the fact that he cheated on you by kissing someone else. It is good he spoke up before the wedding and you did the right thing to call it off.

Don’t listen to/read/answer any messages from his family members. He needs to answer to them, not you.

Try to stick to your own routine, your family and friends. You will recover.

Post # 14
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through this.  I agree that you should leave it to him to come out to his family, however, you by NO MEANS have to take any shit from his family.  Ignore their calls, messages, emails, FB posts, texts, etc. and let HIM deal with them.  You should not have to bear heartbreak AND abuse from his family simply because he doesn’t want to be honest right now.  Surround yourself with people that love and support you and let them take care of you. 

Post # 15
Member
2815 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree with the other girls.  Do not tell his family.  That is his business, not yours.  I’m glad that he told you now.  There is nothing wrong with him being gay.  Maybe one day y’all can be friends.  

Post # 15
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Sending big hugs.

And I second everyone that you shouldn’t out him. You could always say that he cheated on you, but not that he is bi/gay.

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