(Closed) FI thinks wedding will pay for itself……

posted 7 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
46646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have you agreed on a budget?

If so, the next step after that for me would be agreeing on how much we would each contribute according to our respective incomes.

Then agree on how you will save up that amount and by what dates- monthly contributions? tax returns?

After that, you are each repsonsible for your own share . He obviously can save when he wants to as shown by the things he purchased before he met you.

 

Post # 4
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@julies1949: Good advice here. 

How does he respond to budgeting best? A detailed breakdown of this is what you need to save per month or a grand total?

Also, can he take on a task like venue research or caterer research or photographer research so he starts to understand what these things actually cost in your area? I know it was eye-opening to me! He may not realize how much weddings cost. Could you put together a few wedding scenarios so he can understand what kind of wedding you guys can afford if you don’t save some money?

 

Post # 5
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Sounds like your bigger issue is money management – which you should work out before marraige, for sure ($= #1 reason for divorce).

Banking on a wedding paying for itself is foolish. Don’t put yourself in the financial position of needing gifts to pay for your wedding. Plan under what you can afford – and make sure that is an agreed-upon budget between the two of you so that there isn’t any resentment.

 

Post # 7
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@crayfish:I couldn’t agree more!

This isn’t about paying for a wedding, it’s about “his” money vs “your” money and a much bigger discussion needs to take place. He doesn’t feel like he should be forced to spend his money on something that isn’t important to him (the wedding), which you are viewing it as a joint expense that you both should contribute equally to.

This same situation will continue to come up over and over again once you’re married, and until you agree on how you will handle joint vs. individual purchases, you will just continue on a downward spiral.

If you think it’s important to have a bigger wedding in a venue of your choosing, and your Darling Husband doesn’t feel this is important (perhaps due to his past history), you probably need to compromise on a solution that you would both be comfortable with. That way, he won’t resent you for making him contribute his hard-earned money towards a wedding that he doesn’t really want to begin with. 

Post # 8
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with PPs saying that it is a larger money management/his money vs. your money/no concept of “our” money issue. I would guess that it’s also that he grew up with the idea that the guy gets no say in the wedding, and clearly thinks its your parents’ responsibility to fund it. Could the two of you have a talk where you kind of back up from planning and talk about what you each would want a wedding to be, really generally?

My Fiance has been pretty great about the whole thing, but sometimes something will come up where he’s just like “Wait, what?” I mean, he works for a company that provides services to photographers, but when I mentioned a number for wedding photography, he kind of went “…is that a good price for that?” Yes, babe, that’s a very good price for wedding photography, ask your coworkers. Just things like that.

Post # 9
Member
46646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@PrincessMandieMae: I wouldn’t ” give him amonth by month payment plan”. That is treating him like a child and he’s not likely to buy in that way.

Just sit down like grown adults and work out what you want, what you both agree on and establish the budget. The take it from there.

 

Post # 10
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

what sort of wedding are you planning/paying for and what sort of wedding does he want?  meaning maybe something more intimate and affordable might be what hes thinking – not saying you should settle for less either but are you on the same page

my hubby thought getting married and hosting a wedding was the same thing, he really thought a bunch of $20 flowers with some ribbon would do the job – he was clueless to how much things cost so have you explained with actual figures the budget with your Fiance

 

Post # 11
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I had this a little bit with Darling Husband.  At first he didn’t really understand how important the wedding was to me. He also had NO clue how much it cost.  We had some difficult conversations about it.  Once he capitulated understood how important it was, h ite got on board a little more.  ALL our extra money went towards it–we still can’t believe we pulled it off.

He can’t picture how it will all turn out. Needless to say, Darling Husband was delighted with our wedding, it was all worth it, blahblahblah.  However, at this point all you can do is make him understand that he needs to be a partner in the wedding planning/saving.

Post # 11
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I had this a little bit with Darling Husband.  At first he didn’t really understand how important the wedding was to me. He also had NO clue how much it cost.  We had some difficult conversations about it.  Once he capitulated understood how important it was, h ite got on board a little more.  ALL our extra money went towards it–we still can’t believe we pulled it off.

He can’t picture how it will all turn out. Needless to say, Darling Husband was delighted with our wedding, it was all worth it, blahblahblah.  However, at this point all you can do is make him understand that he needs to be a partner in the wedding planning/saving.

Post # 12
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

We used tax refunds along with general savings, money from selling stuff, etc, to pay for our wedding.  So I had to make my spouse understand that certain things had priority and had to be paid for FIRST, like venue deposits and the deposit for the place we rented for the week out of state.  Maybe you can explain that if you do some of thes “musts” now, you can use tax money (if there is enough) to “pay yourselves back” for whatever expenses you have to pay out in advance?

The way we did it, havign to rely on larger “lump sum” amounts of money for some things kind of sucked but it all worked out, but we did cover the “musts” first. Everything time sensitive (cake deposit, venue, dress), then had to kind of scramble for other things once we had the rest of our wedding money… things that aren’t going anywhere (like decor items, accessories, etc).

My wife was clueless about wedding everything.  I can’t tell you how many times she asked “What is that?  Why do we need it?”   Maybe part of it is him just not “getting” all that goes in to a wedding.. and some people do have that old fashioned idea that the bride’s family pays for it all.  An out dated idea to be sure but some hold on to it!

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