(Closed) FI Unhappy after buying a house

posted 6 years ago in Home
Post # 3
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

sounds like… either he is a total douche and is now comfortable letting that flag fly because you are stuck with a mortgage OR he should see someone about possible clinical depression.

Post # 4
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee

These would definitely be big things that I would want to address before getting married. I’m sorry you are having to go through this! It sounds like either there is something big bothering him or maybe he is depressed. But like the previous poster said, this may be who he is. Has he ever done this before in your relationship for periods of time? 

I would keep trying to talk to him and see if you can get some answers and let him know how worried this is making you. 

Post # 5
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

even though your parents helped as a gift, maybe this is somehow hurting his ego that he didn’t get to pay for the house himself. or maybe having a house puts things in a new perspective, and he doesn’t know how to deal with those changes?

does he get along with your parents? how do they treat him? i know I have a rocky relationship with my Future In-Laws and if I had to see them every month I would also feel cold and withdraw. it would suck any joy out of home ownership. If I was living in a house they helped to work on and purchase, I would be crazy resentful about it.

also, could he anxious/upset about where this relationship is going? maybe in his mind, house =  kids = an end to all free time  and is he is having a hard time with that? 

Post # 6
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

How long have you two lived together?

It sounds like depression to me. I wouldn’t attribute that to the house. It could be anything causing it.

I’ve dated gamers before. Is it one game in particular that just came out that he is obessed with? Or is it a bunch of different games? Sometimes one game sucks them in and once they beat it they come out normal again. If its a bunch of games or just an old game he is rehashing the gaming itself might be making him depressed. He wouldn’t realize it but I’ve seen it happen before. Sometimes people also game when they can’t deal with the reality of the situation.

I would probably call a time out on the marriage until you can sort through whatever is going on with him.

Sometimes gamers are just gamers and it takes over their whole life. And you really got to run far to get away from it.

{hugs} gamers are frustrating as all heck. But they are pretty much all I ever dated. So I guess there is something about them..

 

 

Post # 7
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

@JaneDomani:  Talk about gamers…my Future Father-In-Law is one and his wife and daughter left him this summer and got their own place because they can’t deal with him anymore (lost his job and refuses to look for another).

OP, not saying this is the case with your Fiance, but gamer-types can really get into their game identities and let their real life fade into the background.  The PPs pose some good thoughts regarding depression/resentment because of your parents’ in helping to pay for the house as a gift.  Does he really lock himself into his office or was that a figure of speech?  The fact that he isn’t unpacking and is hiding his boxes is bothersome.  Have you had many discussions with him about the way he is acting lately?  Has he been helpful around the house when you two lived at your previous homes?  I really don’t know what to say, except to sit down with him and try to hash out his feelings.  See if he is willing to talk to a therapist too.  

Post # 8
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t know. This sounds like something big is going on for him to make such a drastic change in a short period of time. ARe you sure it’s the house?

Post # 9
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Something is majorly wrong and it appears way bigger than house regret. You need to find out what’s going on. Tell him there will be no more wedding planning because at this point you’re afraid for your future. Maybe buying the house has made him realize how permanent things are really becomig. Maybe not. Only he knows what’s going on in his head and he needs to share it with you so he can get over it.

Tell him seriously this is impacting your future.  Things can only get worse if they’re not worked through.

Post # 10
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

Something is majorly wrong here… this isn’t buyers regret this something was worse. You really need to get to the bottom of this and call off the wedding until you do. My hubby is a seriousr gamer and it caused us a lot of grief in the beginning. We spent a lot of time working on coming to an agreement on what is acceptable. Now he is allowed to play his games as much as he chooses and I allow him to but if I say Jump he sure as hell gets off the computer immediately and he does not put the games before work whatsoever. He plays his games a few hours a week now which is totally fine since I have my own hobbies too. 

I am sorry you are going through this, and I hate to say it but it may not end well. Unless he is willing to work with you there is only so much you can do and you need to protect yourself first. So asap you need to unplug his computer, tell him to shut up and listen and explain to him what is bothering you and try to work it out.

Post # 11
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I feel for your Fiance, he sounds a lot like me. We moved into this house a little less than 1 and 1/2 years ago. I did not want to move from my rented home AT ALL (long story) but we had to. We looked at several homes and this one was the one I disliked the least. But I don’t like it. It does not feel like home. My bills have tripled and my workload doubled and I am supposed to be happy? If I am not working in the kitchen or sleeping or at work, I am in the “study” on the computer. I have yet to hang out in the living room and have given up watching TV. I have a ton of unpacked boxes, not only in the garage and basement, but even in the bedrooms and study. I have absolutely no desire what-so-ever to unpack them. I am highly resentful this happened and yes, the frequency of sex as declined. FH says I should make the best of it but I can’t. It is situational though, and not because of my FH. I imagine your Fiance may be experiencing similar emotions?

Post # 12
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

I agree that is sucks when you can’t live in the house you want. I am dealing with this now, I dreadfully hate my apartment (it is beautiful but small for me) and am even more frustrated that our next move will have to be a townhouse rather then a house. But you know the fact it we can’t afford a house and wont be able to for a long time and most of the time you aren’t going to find that perfect house anyways as there are only so many for sale when you are looking. You dont ever have to stay in a house forever, a few years maybe but not your whole life. So I hate to say it but unless you are going to do something about it you or whoever has the issue with the house needs to suck it up and enjoy the time you have together, sitting and complaing about something you can’t or wont change doesn’t do anybody any good. A home is what you make of it, don’t let a building dictate your happiness.

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