(Closed) FI Upset About Friend Staying With Us

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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j_jaye:  Is there anything wrong with setting up some form of short contract in this situation to protect yourself from the possibility of a house guest outstaying their welcome?

(Similar to the “No one expects divorce, bit prenups exist for a reason” argument.)

Post # 62
Member
9128 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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Apple_Blossom:  Did you mean to tag the OP? Because I haven’t said anything about not setting boundaries just about the people wanting to leave the friend high and dry.

Post # 63
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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j_jaye:  No, I meant to tag you. You posted that she should take her in and not expect anything. Just wondering what you would consider a valid timeline for a contract.

Post # 64
Member
9128 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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Apple_Blossom:  That is up to the OP not me. Personally the timeframe her friend has already agreed to is not unreasonable.

Post # 65
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

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j_jaye:  The OP refers to her as a co worker. One can infer they aren’t particularly close. I have plenty of casually friendly relationships with co workers. It seems the OP was asked/volunteered out of guilt, not genuine closeness.

Actually, the OP stated in her update that the woman isn’t willing to live in housing that she thinks is beneath her, and contemplated staying with her husband instead. It’s not an inference, it’s what the OP stated. Having stayed in a shelter, I know that most waive those requirements based on your work schedule.

Critical thinking skills involve risk assessments, even in hard situations. You can’t destroy your own life because someone else is having a hard time in theirs, and it’s not victim blaming to acknowledge that. That’s what you don’t seem to get. 

Questioning the story – that’s not victim blaming. It’s common sense. Believing shit at face value because it’s emotionally charged is moronic, quite frankly, and all the OP’s updates do is make it clear she is becoming increasingly concerned and regretful.

I have been abused. I understand it very well. I get the gaslighting, the feelings of being crazy, not wanting to involve my family because they judged me more than helped me, and the worst part, always questioning whether I was overreacting and eventually, in my own mind, diminishing and ignoring it. I have been there, and I understand it. The bruises are the easiest part to deal with.

There is no part of me that does not get it.

Still, I urge the OP to proceed with caution, because she can’t lose her own life for someone else. People are evil enough to abuse, and people are evil enough to lie about it, too.

In most states, the OP’s co worker will have established tenancy within a certain time period, and that makes allowing her, someone the OP doesn’t know very well, to move in, a huge risk.

What happens if the OP’s co worker can’t find a place, but has established tenancy rights? OP has to evict her, costing hundreds to thousands of dollars and a host of mental anguish. That’s the primary concern OP’s fiance and PP’s, are talking about and that’s not callous. It’s common sense.

Post # 66
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’ve worked in DV shelters and I am a past survivor of DV.  DV shelters have resources to provide women in DV situations with shelter, job placement, clothing, security, and counseling.  I also rented for years and know the associated challeneges with allowing someone to live in your home, contract or no contract.

I agree that there are a lot of red flags in this situation and OP’s co-worker seems manipulative.  She should desire to stand on her own two feet.  Abuse does not make a person dependent.

It’s in OP’s best interest to help her co worker find a shelter, provide friendship and support which her co-worker needs, and set boundaries regarding the limits to their friendship.  Just because she initially said her co-worker could move in doesn’t mean she can’t change her mind. 

Post # 67
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

your main priority should be hers and your safety, not your finances. If it’s bad enough she feels the need to sneak away, there a good chance he will come after her. Perhaps some professionals with experience in this area should be involved.

Post # 68
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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j_jaye:  “it is ridiculous how so many on this site scream red flag, leave him, run now but when the reality sets in on what it takes to leave are ‘oh no sister you can’t sleep in my unused second bedroom but here’s some phamplets for local services that can help’.”

Amen.

Post # 69
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

OP a lot of advice has been given, and of course there are horror stories. However, the benefit of hearing horror stories is that you now know what you *can* do you help her without putting yourself or your husband in a potentially bad situation. 

Be firm but fair. Draw up a contract stating the move in date & move out date. Ask her to pay a very small contribution (even just like $50 a month – but to be paid on a set date each month), just so it gets her used to budgeting her money – not because you necessarily need it. Present her with the contract and say you want to help her but the maximum time you can offer your spare room is 3 months, there are no exceptions. 

She is in a difficult situation and you are obviously sympathetic but you also need to treat her like an adult. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and by providing her with a 3 month contract, set rent to pay on a set day and a safe envrioment for her to get her immediate situation in order you are being kind but also safeguarding you and your husbands interests.

Don’t pussyfoot around it – set your offer on the table and if she takes you up on it then great, but if she declines or tries to bargain then be willing to stick to your guns and say no. 

Post # 71
Member
29 posts
Newbee

As part of the co workers plan to get away-move stuff out slowly to a storage facility she needs to bave an actual plan for movijg innto her own place. While the apartment she’s eyeing is not available until a month or so after her planned move she can certainly pre-qualify and get a lease in place. That way your and your Fiance and your coworker have an actual move out date before she even starts her stay with you.

A month or two or three is enough time for your utility and food bills to be affected by a third household member. If anything, I’d ask her to split the utility bills by a third and you all will have to come up with an agreement about food. Your rent is your rent regardless if she was staying with you, so in an effort to make her move out date a reality I wouldn’t ask her to split it by a third.

Now how she deals with the abuse is her business in the sense of restraining orders, divorce, counseling etc, but just make sure she doesn’t bring the drama in the form of her husband to your doorstep. Having him come over or call your house, get your cell phone etc can bring unnecessary stress in you and your FI’s life.

Post # 72
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Nobody on this forum is saying ”Don’t help this woman”, what people are saying is ”You also need to think of your own self and your fiance and be sensible”.

I used to have a friend who would end up in terrible relationship after terrible relationship, she had no common sense and would constantly end up with no money after eating out at fancy restaurants for nights on end. People who didn’t know her felt incredibly sorry for her, people who did know her knew that she was her own worst enemy.

Paying for an expensive wedding when you have loads of college debt is just plain stupid..

I don’t see any problem with wanting to help a friend and taking her into your house, of course it’s a great thing to do and highly commendable, but it’s also smart to protect yourself and to ask her to sign a contract. Letting anyone live with you without a contract is just asking for trouble and it’s a terrible idea no matter who the person is.

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