Post # 17
@pineapplez17: He used to go to a therapist when we were in high school to deal with his anger issues and whatnot but since graduation he hasn’t gone. I would send him alone but as mentioned in a prior reply I fear that he wouldn’t get into all the details of the issues and I would have to get my side in there somehow for it to be dealt with. I almost wish I can go back in time and give his mother a good going over and fix what she was about to do to him… he really does try but when he gets angry he just seems to revert back to what he’d always known.
Post # 18
I never recommend couples’ counseling when there is any type of abuse. However, OP, I think you could benefit from individual couseling with someone knowledgeable about abuse.
Couples’ counseling with an abuser can make them worse & more dangerous as he uses what’s said in therapy against you.
Post # 19
I am NOT blaming you (the victim) here but honestly, the first time he said these sorts of things, like “get out of my house” if you didn’t shut that kind of talk down immediately, you showed him that it’s okay to say those things to you. No better time than the present (or the next time he says it) to say “If you threaten me with _____ one more time, I will cancel/move out/etc.” then carry through with it. He’s throwing a tantrum and pushing boundaries, and I can tell he’s pushed pretty far with nothing resulting from your end. You have to push back.
Post # 20
I’d look at how thing are going to go in the future–For now, it’s the engagement. But what about when you’re married with kids? Are they going to have to deal with Daddy threatening to leave every time he gets mad? What is that going to do to them psychologically?
Post # 21
@ElayneRunner: Abuse is abuse, no matter whether the person “intended” to hurt you or not. (Which, by the way, he is intending to hurt you, regardless of what he is telling you later.)
The PPs who noted that this is a control tactic are spot on. He uses the fear and sadness that these threats produce in you to control you. And apparently, it works – look at what you wrote above about you getting quiet when he’d threaten to throw you out.
These kinds of threats have NO PLACE in ANY relationship. They are emotional abuse and manipulation, pure and simple.
OP, please please get some help. Go talk to a counselor in real life and see if they can’t help you come to terms with this. He also should be talking to a counselor, and maybe both of you going to a counselor together. Abuse is most definitely a cycle – children are abused, and they think that’s how the world works, so they often turn into abusers themselves.
If you want your relationship and marriage to work with this man, and if you don’t want to set up yourself and your future children for a lifetime of misery, then this needs to be dealt with NOW.
If it were me, I’d postpone the wedding indefinitely until you and your SO can work through this issue together. And if he refuses to get help or change, then I’d leave.
Wishing strength for you. My dear, you deserve so much better, and you can have it. It will take courage to get there, and I wish that for you.
Post # 22
Post # 23
I grew up with a mother who would explode and say things she “didn’t really mean.” The end result is two children who are very distant from and distrustful of her in adulthood. You don’t get to say whatever you feel like just to hurt someone else because you’re upset.
It’s scary as shit growing up in a household like that, OP. I watched my mom and her brother engage in fights-of-the-century at least a few times of year – full-on cussing, screaming “pulling up all your dirty laundry” style stuff. Then 2 days later it was “teehee, I didn’t mean it, bro! I love you!” I’d never dream of having an argument anywhere near that with my own brother.
If he won’t get help, run. If you can’t trust he’ll actively work on the issues if he does get into therapy, run. It’s no environment for a future family.
Post # 25
@ElayneRunner: My apologies if I missed this, but have you tried bringing this up when you are not fighting? In my experience it is easier to get your point across if you calmly bring up the issues you have duing a time when you are not fighting. I would suggest making a (short) list of conversation rules with your partner that you come up with together. And, in this case, since he thinks he should be allowed to say this, I would suggest that you “trade” something that he wishes you would not do. It sounds simplistic, but it may work. I know it has worked with me and my mother.
Post # 26
@fingerscrossed: I do bring it up a bit when we are not actually fighting and the conversation always goes well. The issue seems to be that when he does get angry he doesn’t take the second to actually think about what he is going to say and just blurts out whatever.
Whenever we discuss it and I give him the serious option of cancelling/delaying this wedding without me being mad at him he is so insistent that it isn’t what he wants. He agrees that he shouldn’t say this and he has such a hard time catching himself because growing up he would always fight with “I’m running away” and those kind of empty threats.
He’s had issues in the past where he’s wanted to fix it badly enough that he’s corrected his behaviour, but it does take somewhat longer than what I would like because I would like him to be able to stop the second I tell him that it isn’t right.
His excuse of that its just his way to deal only comes up during the fights when he is angry to justify it – but when he is calm he admits that he knows it is hurtful and doesn’t want to say that stuff, but again has difficulty modifying the behaviour on his own.
Post # 27
@ElayneRunner: When they were still dating, my friend’s now-husband used to do stuff like that… make big huge angry statements just to “win” an arguement. She finally had a discussion with him (when they weren’t fighting) saying something like “I realize you say things you don’t mean when we are fighting, but they are hurtful to me and make me take what you are saying into consideration. The more you say we should break up (or delay the wedding), the more I think you are serious about it. Rather than ending the arguement, you are making it bigger than it needs to be. If you take our relationship seriously, I need you to say what you actually mean. From here on, I’m taking your words at face value and you should do the same for me. If we can’t be honest and disagree like adults, it really might be time to break up (or cancel the wedding). “
Post # 28
@ElayneRunner: How old are the two of you? It is a really dirty, unfair way to fight. You cannot say whatever you like to someone then expect it to blow over and just be gone after the fight has ended. Words cannot be taken back. I would SERIOUSLY consider an entire lifetime of this type behavior and the next time he said that, I would be the one to call it off…and MEAN it.
Post # 29
@ElayneRunner: I also have an impulsive streak when I am angry and say things that I regret. In order to combat this I have been in therapy for 3 years. It works.
Post # 30
@ElayneRunner: That sounds really really awful. Can you both agree to have a word that would shut down an argument when it goes too far? For example if you say “low blow” you both walk away until you are calm enough to talk rationally.
Post # 31
He sounds like an immature ass. If you marry him, it’ll escalate into “just leave then or let’s get a divorce!” every time you fight.