- 7 years ago
- Wedding: February 2012
No, they’re not feuding. I just can’t balance them.
My dad has always been the closest person in my life. He raised me alone and has been (and is) just a terrific father-of-the-year.
Now I have Fiance in my life, and he’s important to me as well. It’s just that they both want to look out for me and it’s getting to be a tangle, especially with relocating. When we were looking for a new place to live and got confused, my immediate thought was to call my dad for advice, which I expressed to Fiance. He told me he understands but he’s going to be my husband and I need to put faith in him…and I agree. So we’ve been doing things completely on our own but it’s so hard to tell my dad no to everything.
He keeps offering to do things for us – help us move, get us a truck, etc. and I can tell he really wants to help and be involved, especially since Fiance and I are really the only family in his life that’s in close proximity, and I hate constantly saying “No, we’re ok. We’ve taken care of it.” all the time. Fiance told me he doesn’t want to make my dad work, and he’s welcome to come, but after we’ve already moved in. He says it’s not fair to make older people work, we should be taking care of them. And I get that too, but even when I say “But my dad really WANTS to help, he wants to be included” Fiance just tells me it isn’t right. He’s that way with his own parents too – they like to work and go off on adventures to occupy their time and he worries about them and thinks they should just stay at home cause they’re getting older.
To me the logical solution would be to invite my dad over to help with small stuff like unpacking boxes of trinkets/books and hanging up pictures but I know that if I do that, Dad is going to try to help move the heavier stuff too and Fiance will either let him and feel uncomfortable or tell my dad no and my dad will feel uncomfortable. If I even mention something my dad suggested, I can see the panic setting in Fiance thinking that I told Dad “yes”
I feel overwhelmed. It feels like no matter which direction I take, someone’s going to wind up disappointed.
There are some things I don’t have a problem fighting with Dad’s hospitality over, like money. No matter how much he offers, I won’t take his money – I paid for college by myself, I refused to let him help me out with bills, etc. But when I need advice from someone with lots of life experience, my dad is my closest source. And when I need help with manual labor…Idk, i guess it’s become a father-daughter bonding moment to accomplish those things together. In my mind, helping us move would be a good way for him to bond with Fiance as well. And it’s all stopped.
I can tell my dad is having a hard time turning his little girl over to another man and Fiance feels a need to prove his competency to me so that he can “take care of [me] as a husband” And I don’t want to shut Fiance out for my dad but nor do I want to basically tell my dad “No, just sit in the background and wait”