(Closed) FI wants his sister to be a bridesmaid??

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should I ask FI's sister (whom I've never met) to be a bridesmaid?

    Yes, your FI's feelings are the most important thing here.

    No, don't ask someone you don't know to be in the wedding party!

    Other (please comment below)

  • Post # 17
    Member
    1736 posts
    Bumble bee

    My Fiance doesn’t know my brother very well, but he asked him regardless. It was super important to me to have both my siblings in the wedding party. If my Fiance had any siblings, I would have extended the same courtesy to them. I agree with PP’s, this is a time for you to get to know her and bond with her. You don’t need to have any expectations of her or expect that she do all the same things that your other bridesmaids will do, but seeing as she is to become family – including her is the right thing to do.

    Post # 18
    Member
    6244 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 1900

    Unless you are asking him to have your brother be a groomsman and he’s complaining that it’s not fair then I don’t see the need for him to have his sister be your bridesmaid.  You should pick your bridal party based on those girls you want to be standing up there supporting you.  You should already have relationships with the people you pick, hence why you picked them. 

    Just like you wouldn’t force him to ask your brother to be a groomsman.  Things can get hairy enough with the people you already have relationships with that you ask to be in your bridal party.  Why risk getting started on the wrong foot with your new sister-in-law by adding this stress to your new relationship?

     How about personally asking her to do a reading or give a toast?

    Post # 19
    Member
    615 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    Gotta say, I’m with

    View original reply
    @peanuthead and
    View original reply
    @BayStateBride on this one. While I understand the sentiment behind asking your future sibling to be a part of your bridal party, I don’t think it’s a necessity or always the right thing to do. Unless you’re already close with her or want to ask on your own, I honestly don’t see why it should be expected. Yes, it is a great opportunity to bond, Yes, it could (and probably will) turn out just fine. But your wedding party should be comprised of people who want to stand beside you and be there for you on the biggest day of your life, and all the days leading up to it. Those in your party should understand the expectations that go along with this honor, and someone you aren’t very close to will probably not be 100% on board in this mindset.

    I felt a bit awkward about excluding my sister in law from my wedding party at first (who is my age and has several mutual friends), but at the end of the day I knew she would have only accepted out of politeness and flattery, not out of a genuine desire to be close to me or be a part of my wedding experience. My husband never asked me to include her and it was never an issue, and I think she was just as happy to be there as a family member. I did, however, include her in all of my pre-wedding festivities, and I think we had a chance to connect just as well during those occasions than if I had made her a bridesmaid and she felt obligated to engage in niceties.

    Some things shouldn’t be forced, whether it’s building a relationship or evening out the numbers on each side. There are plenty of ways to include your fiance’s sister in the wedding if that’s really what he wants.

    Do what you want and what you think will end up being most beneficial to your big day and future relationship with your future sister in law. You know best. =]

    Post # 20
    Member
    7309 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    Your bridal party should be the men and women closest to you who will support you throughout the process, the big day, and beyond. If he wants his sister to be in the wedding party, he should ask her to be a Groomswoman on his side.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1351 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I think you should ask her. It’s a nice gesture to include her in the wedding and you are going to be family.  Plus it works out perfectly, he gets his 4 groomsmen and the sister feels included.

    Post # 22
    Member
    1252 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I wouldn’t ask FI’s sister to be in my bridal party unless I was already very close friends with her.  I also wouldn’t want to be in the bridal party of a future sister-in-law unless we were close, I would feel awkward.

    Post # 23
    Member
    3580 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Would you be able to stick anybody you wanted into his line of folks?  If so, then screw it.  It sounds as if he has good intentions.

    Also, a slight complaint about the first option.  Not a fan of the wording that only fiance’s feelings are important as yours should be too.  But I might say yes because his idea that you two could get close in the process is a good one.

    Post # 24
    Member
    352 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I begged my then Fiance to ask my brother to be a groomsmen even though they hardly know each other. I really wanted my brother along with my two sisters and his sister to be in the wedding. He was uncomfortable with it, Fiance that is, but they got to bond and get to know each other more and I’m really happy for that. It meant so much to me to have us all together and in the end he wanted me to be happy. 

    Edit: I was the one that asked my brother after Fiance agreed.

    Post # 25
    Member
    3696 posts
    Sugar bee

    I second what kala_way said: I would think of it as both of your wedding party rather than only your bridesmaids.

    Remember, every time you hear “it’s your day,” etc., that that is a plural “your” that means “you and your fiance,” not just you. Siblings of the couple should definitely be among the top candidates for the wedding party, whichever side they end up standing on. I get that every wedding is different, etc., but I think brides also need to remember that weddings are about uniting families, too, not just “their day to shine.”

    Post # 26
    Member
    3569 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I say ask them. It’s your Fi wedding too and think of them as part of the wedding party, rather just your bridesmaid. My brother is a groomsman in my wedding. While he and Fi get along fine, and hangout when the see each other, they are certainly close enough for Fi to ask him to be in the wedding party. He is being a groomsmand because it was important to me that he stand up therre with us on our wedding day.

    Post # 27
    Member
    842 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I got stuck in this situation as well.  DH told me it was really important to him that his sister be asked to be a bridesmaid.  I argree with the caveat that in that case he needed to include my brother as well.  And now that everything’s over I wish we had just left the two of them out. 

    His sister wasn’t a stranger, but we’re also not close at all.  She’s 9 years younger than me, and extremely immature, and is unable to support herself without her parents help.  She’s also very sweet, but not social. 

    She basically didn’t involve herself in anything.  She did manage to show up for the bridal shower, but the rest of the wedding party + some other friends took me out earlier in the morning for breakfast and a massage, and then helped my mom set up.  She arrived for the party and left.   She also didn’t attend the bachelorette party, and was kind of a nuisance because my Maid/Matron of Honor was trying to figure out who was going and SIL was a no response.  

    I had also let her know that since she loves fashion design and making clothes she could feel free to make her own dress.  Well, she ended up dropping out of the wedding because she was too stressed about life, and didn’t think she could make the dress.  I had already bought bridesmaids gifts, planned the ceremony, etc based on having her there.  And she let us know about 2 weeks ahead of time.  THEN she decides she’s going to make the dress after all to wear to the wedding, but still not be a bridesmaid.  I had to have DH and his mom shut that down, and DH didn’t really get it, but I would think most girls should know you don’t show up matching the bridesmaids if you’re not a bridesmaid!

    On the day of, I was actually really happy that it was just my close friends and family around that morning.  I was trying to not get anxious, and by spending time with the people closest to me, having mimosas and relaxing as we got our hair and make up done.  If she’d been there, I honestly think it would’ve been kind of awkward because she’s so anti-social.  She doesn’t really know my family or my friends and we were all laughing and having a good time. She would’ve been just sitting there, uncomfortable herself.

    So anyways, my advice is to just have people close to you be in your bridal party. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    431 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I think you both should ask her. Or, have him do it. But yes, I would most certainly allow it. This is his wedding too.

    Post # 29
    Member
    701 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I think you should include her. She is your dear fiance’s sister, so if he feels close enough with her that he wants her in the wedding party you should include her. However, I would not feel comfortable asking someone I didn’t really know to be in my bridal party. I asked my brothers to be groomsmen and my fiance asked his sister and we all already knew each other.

    Post # 30
    Member
    750 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I like the “both of you asking” suggestion. And normally I do not support the asking-people-out-of-obligation bridal party rig, but in this case it is your FIANCE asking you to include her. Not his mom, or your mom, or an aunt or cousin or someone just expecting to be asked. This is important to HIM, and for that reason and that reason alone I say this is something you ought to do. It may or may not be an awesome bonding experience, but it really cannot hurt :o)

    Post # 31
    Member
    4998 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I would do it! I asked my future SIL to be a bridesmaid and she was so touched and thrilled! I have met her multiple times, but she lives across the country so I don’t know her too well. 

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