Post # 1
Member
3879 posts
Honey bee
Hi Bees,
I don’t usually have angry/emotional posts, but I am so upset by what my Fiance just told me. Fiance works for the Department of Defense, but is NOT in any way in the military. There are optional deployments that you can sign up for to go work in the middle east for about 4-5 months. The incentive is that while you are deployed you are given a “premium salary” (so basically a raise, but he does not know how much), and upon returning you get $5K.
I am so upset because I can’t believe he would leave me for 4 months to go to an incredibly dangerous part of the world! This was NEVER something we talked about or thought about. I’ve told him I don’t care about the extra money AT ALL (we are not rich but we are not struggling either, so it’s not a necessity). We are able to save a good amount of money each month. To me it is not worth it. I don’t see the point. I really don’t. It’s completely optional, and we do not NEED the money.
I work full time and would continue working full time and taking care of the house, pets, everything by myself. But the BIGGEST reason obviously is that I would hate if something happened to FI! I would seriously never get over it. I really really don’t think I could handle it. 🙁
I’m just emotional right now and don’t know what to think 🙁
Post # 4
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
What is his reasoning behind wanting to go? Just the money?
Honestly, I know if my Fiance had the opportunity to deploy and make that much extra money for the wedding, we would both jump at the chance. And we together make over six figures- so it isn’t that we would need it to get by, but the extra money would be very nice.
I would let him investigate this, and weigh the pros & cons together. I know 4/5 months apart seems like a lot, but you would be surprised at how fast that time goes by. And honestly, the places that DoD contractors get sent will not be the middle of the combat zone. I wouldn’t really be too concerned about the safety factor at all. You could get hit by a car sitting in your own living room.
And I used to be very concerned about deployments until I lived through one. My Fiance helped ease my fears about the places he was (which were more dangerous than where DoD would be sent) and the time flew by.
I say just open your mind and hear your Fiance out 🙂
Post # 5
Member
430 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: September 2013 - The Skinner Barn
My fiance is military and often deploys. I hate it, but he doesn’t mind it. He hates being away from me, but loves the sense of adventure and duty. He also really doesn’t mind the pay.
If your fiance is department of defense, I doubt he would be in many “dangerous” situations. As bad as it sounds, these individuals are seen as “worth” more than the typical infantryman. They are transported in armored vehicles and protected if they ever have to leave post (which is usually rare) and are housed far into the compound. My fiance is a UAV operator and his training cost the military a ton of money, so he is pretty protected when he is over there.
It took me a while to realize this, but his desire to deploy has nothing to do with trying to get away from me. In fact, it has nothing to do with me.
Post # 6
Member
4800 posts
Honey bee
Why does he want to go? If the two of you are able to save a decent amount of money without it, I’d be really against him taking it too! Getting to see my DH every day and peace of mind that he’s not in sucha dangerous place would be worth a lot to me too.
Post # 7
Member
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@hollyberry4: Ugh, that sucks!
I would put my foot down. Like why does he want to do this? Adventure? Has he given it any thought whatsoever?!
Sorry, girlie, I am not sure what I would do in your position except throw a big fit. Seriously…
*Hugs*
Post # 8
Member
3879 posts
Honey bee
@tracyb3285: Your response made me smile about the “you could get hit by a car in your living room” becuase we live on the 22nd floor of an apartment haha!
I don’t know ladies… I just feel like this is not what I signed up for 🙁 He has talked about maybe living overseas for 1-3 years (like a move the whole family thing) and I am open to that. I think he wants to do it for the money and sense of adventure. I’m just NOT for it at all. I mean we are not even married yet and he is already talking about leaving right after we are married? I just don’t get it. 🙁 It makes me scared and sad. It would be one thing if he were in the military and I knew this was a possibility, but this is coming out of nowhere (at least to me)!
Post # 9
Member
3879 posts
Honey bee
@canarydiamond: Thanks for your words! This is exactly how I feel. And I admit that I reacted sort of badly (read angry/confused) when he brought it up. He casually brought it up once before but we laughed it off and both said “no way not worth it!”
Then today he comes home and told me he went to a seminar to learn more about it and was considering it. First he told me it was for the money, uut then when I asked him “why do you want to go?” he said “to feel like I’m doing something important”. I’m all for supporting my FH’s endeavors and helping him advance in his career, but I can’t lie that this is NOT they way I intended on supporting him! Obviously we will have to talk about it but I feel like puking just thinking about it. 🙁
Post # 10
Member
8682 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
It doesnt sound bad to me at all. I could be biased bc my Fiance is in the military. lol
Post # 11
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
My dad is DOD (who does some pretty lucrative stuff), and getting deployed for them is not the same as the military. They are not in the line of danger that soldiers are. Are they in the same country? Sure. But the chances of him getting blown up or shot is not the same as a soldier. Plus, they equip them with things not even regular soldiers get, which is in a way very sad to me.
I wouldn’t so much perceive this as your husband wanting to be away from you: DOD workers make MAJOR bank when they deploy. Even if you don’t NEED the money, to your husband, it would probably help in some way. Plus, if he hasn’t traveled much, he might take it as a great opportunity to see the world. Just breathe. It will be okay.
My husband is military and 4 months, while painful, is pretty short for a deployment. Keep your head up.
Post # 12
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
@hollyberry4: I definitely think you both need to be on board and a decision that you both feel comfortable with. I know the knee jerk reaction is to say “hell no” but there may be more pros than cons when you think through it with a clear head, and not just emotionally.
I don’t think I would want him to leave right after getting married either- that stinks- but maybe it is something you can suggest down the roard for him.
Post # 13
Member
3879 posts
Honey bee
@tracyb3285: Thank you for the advice. I will have to talk to him about it when I am feeling less emotional. I asked him if the tables were turned if he would want me to go and said definitely not. 🙁 I don’t know why he thinks it should be different the other way around.
Post # 14
Member
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
If it makes you feel any better, it’s actually more dangerous to live in Oakland, CA (or Detroit) than to be a soldier in Afghanistan, statistically speaking.
I totally get being upset, though. On the one hand, it’s an exciting adventure and an important job (not to mention excellent pay!). On the other, there’s the risk. I hope you two figure out what will work for both of you!
Post # 15
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
Sometimes I feel upset at my Fiance for joining the Army and putting himself at risk, especially since he started the process without talking to me about it. Now I’m in a position where I have to either give up my career to go live with him depending on where he ends up or just being without him for the next 3 and a half years. It’s been a bit more than 3 months and I’m already going nuts. It’s very difficult being away from him and I go through waves of emotions – sometimes I’m strong, sometimes I’m sad, and sometimes I’m bitter. I also didn’t care about the money and I have a safe and well paying job with a great future career close in sight. I would have been fine with him just moving in with me while he tried looking for alternative employment.
I completely sympathize with you – when they go out and decide to voluntarily leave it can be confusing and sometimes, when I’m downright emotional (I’m talking brownies, ice cream and lifetime movies emotional) I can sometimes feel abandoned and angry.
The best thing you can do is talk to him about why he wants to do it and tell him how it makes you feel. The two of you should sit down and evaluate each other’s desires and the risk of what it means for him to go out and do this. It’s one of those times when you really both have to hear each other out… even though I would have loved to had a chance to say NO! I ended up telling him to go because it was important to him. Though now I think he wishes he just stayed with me!
Good luck!
Post # 16
Member
3879 posts
Honey bee
@rcorral: Thank you for your post. Your insight is much appreciated! I’m definitely feeling bitter right now 🙁 I keep thinking it’s selfish that he wants to go “to feel important” when financially we don’t need for him to go, and that would mean me taking care of everything by myself for 4 months and worrying sick about him all the time. Maybe that’s the wrong way to think, but I just don’t understand it otherwise.