(Closed) FI wants to have drunken sleepovers at other peoples' houses, I say no!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 137
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Arganique:  I grew up with an alcoholic, so I know how bad it can be.  However, I also know that trying to control him is not going to help the issue. I get that maybe on the inside you’re trying to look out for his health and well-being, but on the outside it looks controlling.  Your post came across to me like you’re allowing him to have a play-date, but he’s not allowed to stay up past curfew sort of. 

I am almost 28, and still spend nights at my girlfriends’ houses after a night out or even just a night in.  My fiance also spends nights at his friends’ houses after days of golf and evenings of drinking.

You won’t be able to control who his friends are, or if he wants to spend a night with friends. It’s a fairly normal thing to do, and if you disagree that’s completely fine and totally up to you, but I don’t think it’s fair to try to force him to fit into your worldview.

Post # 138
Member
1143 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My husband likes to go out with his buddies, and I’m usually up to picking him up. However, if he wanted to stay at his friend’s instead, I wouldn’t stop him. My husband, much as I love him, is an annoying drunk. And honestly, at 2 in the morning, that isn’t something I want to deal with. He goes out about once a month for “guys night.”

As others said, I’d be more concerned about his drinking than staying at a friend’s.

Post # 139
Member
2530 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My fiancé doesn’t really go out much with his mates and when he does he will usually just have one drink throughout the evening/continue with soft drinks before going home. If it is more of a major night out with a bit more drinking then he will sleep at his best mate’s girlfriend’s who lives in the town where they go out. At the moment we don’t live together so where he sleeps at night doesn’t bother me after a night out. I don’t know if when we are married I will go on these nights out when they occur (if it is “girls allowed”) then I can drive him home. But for those nights when it is lads only and they want to drink quite a lot (last time that happened was his stag and he was away for that anyway) then I would rather he satiated up there where I know he will be safe. It’s about half an hour from our house to where he tends to go out with his mates so staying at a friends is cheaper than getting a taxi home. I also, personally, don’t want to deal with him when he has chosen to drink a lot….he chose to get himself in that state, he can deal with it. 

Besides, in the 3.5 years I have been with him I think the drunkest he has gotten was on his stag so Im not expecting it to be a major occurrence….possibly once next year when friends get married for his stag!

Post # 140
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sounds like he has an alcohol problem, like alcoholic level alcohol problem. To get blackout drunk to the point of not recognizing you is a big, big problem. I find it telling that he got defensive and had a hissy when you called him out on it. That kind of behavior indicates he knows he has a problem but is in denial about the severity, hence the anger. I, personally, would think long and hard about whether or not I’d marry him with his current views on partying and booze. My brother is a drug addict and dealing with him is incredibly draining…and he doesn’t even live in the same city as I do 

 

I don’t think you’re out of line in thinking that grown, engaged men shouldn’t be up all night drinking and having sleepovers. he’s not in college anymore (not that this kind of behavior is acceptable then, but I’m more forgiving of the22 year olds). Bring this up when you’re both calm. Tell him you’re concerned. His behavior strikes me as that of an alcoholic. If he won’t admit he has a problem, look into Al-Anon (not to be confused with AA.  Al-Anon is for the families of addicts).  It’s very eye opening and helpful. 

ETA: I missed the part that you’ve called his mom. No wonder he’s getting angry. He likely feels like you’re tattling on him. I still stand by the fact that feel some of his defensive behavior is denial of an alcohol problem but unless you and his mom are planning an intervention, I’d avoid running to her every time he goes on a drinking binge. Get yourself a counselor or go to Al-Anon for advice. . A PP had the idea to videotape him next time he gets shithammered drunk-excellent idea.  He needs a wake up call. Again, think long and hard about marrying him. No one is perfect but if you have to qualify your “he’s a great guy and our relationship is perfect” statements with “he get blackout drunk and forgets who I am” and “if you’re not cool with me passing out at my buddy’s house blackout drunk, then you have a problem” then your relationship and man is far from perfect. At the very least you both have trouble  communicating with each other. Telling him you’ll pick him up at 2am isn’t respecting him either…that’s how you a parent talks to their child. Certainly not a healthy communication pattern for a grown up, successful marriage. 

Post # 141
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@pinkshoes:  +1

My father was an alcoholic and it’s not a life you want for yourself or your future children.  Sleeping in the same bed isn’t as big a concern to me as my fiance not recognizing me because he’s too drunk.  I’d postpone a wedding until he gets help.

Post # 142
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It is sad that a full grown man is having “sleepovers”. He has a fiance to go home to! Sure hang out with your friends, but why not just go down the pub and have just a few drinks – surely you he doesn’t need to get so trashed staying over his friends house. I think if someone is in a serious relationship they should be going home to their partner and shouldn’t be risking the relationship by getting trashed. For all the OP knows, there could be women at his friends house (especially if they are single friends) and the OP’s fiance would be so trashed that he may end up cheating. To me he sounds immature and not ready to settle. He needs to sort himself out first. Maybe you should call of the engagement?

Post # 143
Member
1378 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I love how people are defaulting to “women! Cheating!” when nowhere has OP said that other women have ever been a problem in their relationship. Why freak someone out more over something that probably isn’t an issue?

Post # 144
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If I were in your shoes, I would walk out the door and never look back.

Did he do this before you guys moved in together? If so, a) did you know about it? and b) did you tell him before you moved in that you didn’t feel that behavior was acceptable once you were living together? 

My Fiance was a massive partier when we first started dating, but then he was in his mid-twenties and single, so I could understand. But I told him on our second date I wasn’t really looking for someone that was still in that party stage of their life because I wasn’t. He assured me he was ready to move past that stage- and he has totally made good on that promise four years later. 

I dated someone like your Fiance in college and never again. It was three years of my life I’ll never get back. 

Good luck honey! 🙁 I feel for you, I really do..

Post # 145
Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Arganique:  I do see why you’re frustrated, but my Darling Husband has a similar side to him (ex-binge drinker) and I actually PREFER that he occasionally has a weekend away with his mates where they drink too much, eat junk food, talk crap and catch up. Other than bucks’ weekends, Darling Husband probably does this once or twice a year. It works for both of us – he gets his night to be irresponsible and silly and I don’t have to deal with him while drunk, because I absolutely hate seeing him drunk.

If I thought something sus was happening (I have a friend who has a Girlfriend who goes on these drunken weekends away with a bunch of single girls, that would not be okay by me) or he wanted to do it every weekend, it might be an issue, but I feel like these weekends mean he doesn’t lapse into binge drinking the rest of the time. Obviously your situation will depend on how often your Fiance wants to do this, though.

Post # 146
Member
4690 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

I feel for you, OP, this sounds like a tough situation.

 

Seems like he’s not ready to settle down. You are.

Post # 147
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I can’t believe how many bees are telling her to leave her FI! Yes, it sounds like Fiance wants to get trashed every once in awhile but that doesn’t mean he is an alcoholic, is going to cheat, is going to drive drunk, etc. 

I would be totally pissed if I told Fiance I was going to have a drunken night with friends and he told me he would pick me up at 2am because I need to sleep in the same bed as him. And if he called my mom after that to ask how to control me better!! No way, not good. 

From what you have said, it doesn’t seem like he is doing this every weekend and he is completely open about where he is going, who will be there, how long he will be…Just because it isn’t something you want to do, doesn’t mean that you get to tell him not to do it. He probably knows that he is going to be loud and smelly and may get up ten times in the night to pee, so he doesn’t want to disturb you with all of that.

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