(Closed) FI wants to have drunken sleepovers at other peoples' houses, I say no!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 122
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Arganique:  I just want to add that I’m shocked by how many people are saying if he only binge drinks once a month it’s not a problem…it is! I don’t care if you only drink 2 times a year but one those 2 times you can’t stop once you start, it IS a drinking problem.

i think you and his parents need to talk to him about getting professional help and quitting alcohol. If he isn’t receptive that’s all you can do. The next move will be yours to make. Good luck!

Post # 123
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ohmybears48:  This behaviour is enabling the problem. It says to the alcoholic, “Well it’s ok for me to do it because the kids are not around”. It will not help them resolve their drinking problem in the end.

 

Post # 125
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@Arganique:  I can understand his point – he just wants to spend the night with his buddies without a curfew. His friends may not be your cup of tea, but they’re still his friends. It’s not that big a deal, it means you have the whole night to yourself without having to leave the house at some ungodly hour to pick his drunk ass up. I think that involving his parents in your relationship is a huge mistake. This is an adult relationship, and he would take their involvement as you betraying what you have together.

The bigger issue is his drinking – does he do this on a regular basis? Or is it once in a blue moon? 

Post # 126
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@awake_my_soul:  Like a few others who posted, I married the man I wanted to marry. No need for changes. Are there things that aren’t perfect? Of course, but he’s who I chose to marry, flaws and all.  You cannot change a man… you cannot force a man to be somebody he is not. It’s a lot of wasted time and effort and only leads to resentment and hurt feels. 

I, too, believe that she should not have gone to his mom… you deal with these problems as a couple. Bring in other people (family/friends) and that person is going to feel “ganged up on” and can push people further away. His mom only needs to mention to him once, “Well, your FI/GF is upset that you went to so-and-so’s house to get wasted last weekend” to completely shift the relationship from “us” to “me/him vs. you guys.”

I wouldn’t discount “mommying.” She obviously cares about her man; that may be mommying which is fine. I would, however, say that she is trying to control the situation – and her guy by default. 

As an adult, who occassionally throws down with friends, I wouldn’t put up with a SO/DH who told me what I can/can’t do.

 

Post # 128
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee

@Arganique:  Uhhhh. hell no!!!!!!!!! I don’t even know what you should do next, but I would never allow that to happen. I get pissed when my SO isn’t home before 2 and that’s kind of pushing it… it’s my personal opinion that when you have a family and you’re 30 years old…you shouldn’t be partying like that. I’m 22 and the last time I drank was New Year’s eve…tell me why you feel like you need to drink all the time at 30? 

Post # 129
Member
3091 posts
Sugar bee

@Arganique:  I understand where you are coming from. I would probably feel the same way, I mean usually you end up staying at someones house drunk to avoid driving – but you offered to pick him up, at a reasonable time i might add!

His reaction sounds very immature. He does feel like your “trying to control him” but its not really that, maybe he doesnt realize it but he is freaking out so much because he knows he has a mild problem with binge drinking and does not like being reminded or “nagged” about it. Plus his friends probably dont make it any easier. They probably say stuff fueling this behavior. Like “oh its just a few drinks, you are whipped” kind of thing.

Is it the time limit that you put on it that is bothering him? the 2am? What if you said you would pick him up whenever he is ready? (not that I want you to wait around all night, but im curious to see what his reaction would be.

But no, he is too old for black out sleep overs.

Post # 130
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I agree that he shouldn’t be getting so wasted he can’t come home, but I disagree with you contacting his parents. Regardless of how “close” you are.  That is weird.

Post # 131
Member
3091 posts
Sugar bee

@ohmybears48:  omg those poor kids!!!

That is so horrible. That alone would make me want to send his butt to rehab.

Post # 132
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

@Jijitattoo:  

 

 Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me.

 

 

+1

 

I wouldn’t put up with this “getting trashed” business for one second. And if he gave me an attitude about it, I’d be packing my bags and not letting the door hit my butt. This is not the behavior of a responsible adult man. And the sleeping over with friends thing… oh, HELL no. That’s for college, not when you’re living with your fiance. 

 

 

 

Post # 133
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Arganique:  I think this is two separate issues. The first one being the binge drinking, the second spending a night at his friend’s house.

My SO is 39, and if he wants to spend the night at a friend’s house – which does happen occasionally – I don’t see an issue with it happening every so often.

As for the binge drinking, well, you are not his parent. I personally have chosen to spend less time with friends like that as I feel I’m past that point in my life. However, if the SO wanted to do that, well, that’s up to him as long as he’s safe and not getting in trouble.

Post # 134
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Ninteenthchance:  Well in this case it’s because this man has a drinking problem and cant’t seem to stop once he starts. 

Post # 135
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m,  ahem, in my thirties. And every now and then, love to go out and get teenager trashed. Not so often as I used to. Kinda grew out of it, and have lost the ability I had in my 20s to go nuts without getting hungover. I don’t think growing up, getting married, get closer to starting a family requires a fundmental change in behaviour.

My Fiance Iis younger than me. So, he has a big night more often than me. On these nights, I love it when he stays at his mates. Drunk Fiance smells bad, snores, and is all round annoying. That said, drunk me smells bad, snores, and is all round annoying! After a night of me having too many cocktails this week, the poor thing slept on the couch because I was awful to share a bed with! But, as we grow up, for both of us, its less frequent.

My Fiance has drinking buddies that love sitting around home drinking. Sometimes I join them, but 9 out of 10 times it’s not my thing and I leave them to it. But, we had these same friends over for a wine and cheese night. Had an amazing time, and it was fun shaking things up, and hanging with them in a different situation. 

If you’re concerned he has a drinking problem, then work through that with him. But I think its ok for him to have sleepovers.

Post # 136
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I shudder to think about the bachelor party he will have… The binge drinking is the major concern. I also don’t think he should be sleeping over while drunk. Who says some females won’t get invited. How would you know if you are not there? I don’t know why he can’t come home and sleep off his hangover. If he is drunk he may go for a drunken joy-ride with his friends. You said he does some confusing things when he is drunk… I don’t think that you are being unreasonable. I actually think he is because you are attempting to keep him safe, while not interfering in his fun. Marriage is the linking of two lives into one. He can’t continue to live like a single man when he is not… All I can do is say either to talk to him some more, or go have fun of your own that evening and not worry about him. If he gets into any trouble he will have to get himself out of it. Let him know that if anything happens at the party to jeopardize your relationship that there will be hell to pay. I don’t see how this partying will be beneficial to your relationship in the future. I hope he is really ready to grow up and put aside childish things. I would suggest leaving the parents out of your problems. Once you move past those things, the family does not forget, nor let you forget… Good luck, and I hope things work out!

 

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