Post # 1
Member
33 posts
Newbee
Hi bees,
The title of this thread is probably more extreme than the actual situation.
We’re recently engaged, and trying figure out a realistic guest list. I suggested we each make seperate lists of our must haves, wants, would be nice, etc.
We’ve read them, but haven’t gotten to the point yet where we’ve actually talked through them (so I haven’t brought this up to him yet, but will at some point soon).
On his lists of wants is a girl he dated in college (about 10 years ago). It was a reasonably serious relationship at the time (ie not a fling) but was a long time ago. I know that they’ve stayed friends over the years, and she’s also a part of his core circle of friends that he’s stayed in touch with from that time. I haven’t actually met this person, but that’s only because she literally lives across the planet (which also means she probably won’t come to the wedding, but I also don’t want to take the approach to my guest list of inviting people and counting on them not showing up).
I know (because we talk pretty openly about these things) there in no weirdness or romantic feelings remaining there. Im definitely not threatened by it/her.
I’m not totally uncomfortable at the idea, but I am a bit weirded out… and not completely sure why.
Also, how do I bring it up to him? As an absolute no? That seems a little unfair if she’s someone that he cares about and wants to have there.
Curious if anyone else has experienced something similar and how you dealt with it.
Post # 2
Member
7750 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I don’t think this is a black & white situation. Every relationship is different, every ex is different, etc. In this case, it sounds like it’s more the principle of it that’s weirding you out than the actual relationship/history your Fiance has with this woman, and that’s fair. So I would mention it to him – not super confrontationally like “I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS” but just something casual like “I noticed [ex’s name] on the guest list – is it a little weird to have an ex at our wedding?” and see how he responds – and just hash it out. Hopefully your Fiance will be really understanding about your feelings and won’t go on the defensive…and you’ll feel a lot better after the convo, whatever the resolution.
Post # 4
Member
33 posts
Newbee
tiffanybruiser : Thanks for this – kind of sums up most of what I was feeling.
Post # 5
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
Elope! Just kidding.
I would express to him how you feel. And you also have to be true to yourself. If it weirds you out something is there that doesn’t sit right with you.
Post # 6
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
There are lots of women here who are going to tell you that you’re overreacting or something.
You aren’t. I would feel the same way too honestly. And your feelings should come before her, remember that. But calmly tell him that you are not okay with it. Just like tiffanybruiser : said. Good luck bee!
Post # 7
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
some people are very insecure about their person having a past, while others don’t mind so much… the advice you get here is going to be all over the place.
i think this is an opportunity for you work through whatever weirdness you are feeling, since its clear there is nothing romantic between them anymore and their relationship has been plantonic for probably 10x as long as they were a couple.
Post # 8
Member
7418 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Remove the fact that they used to date from the scenario. Do you still feel the same way? If so, can you explain why?
If you can articulate why (she was rude to me on Facebook; I think she still has feelings for my fi; she’s extremely loud when she drinks; something like that) then you may need to set your unease aside. If you ask your fi to do the same thing, you’ll probably get an answer like “she’s genuinely happy for us” or “she’s been a good friend to me since college” or something. If you’re weirded out just because it goes against social norms and he’s got legit reasons for wanting her there, to me the choice is clear.
Post # 9
Member
3486 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
It’s different for every couple. I invited two exes to my wedding. One of them I would be fine with my Darling Husband saying he’d rather he not be invited, but the other ex is still one of my best friends. He was a must invite and there was zero flexibility on that. And it would not be a matter of putting my friend’s feelings before Darling Husband, as a PP suggested, but it would be about Darling Husband respecting the fact that there was a person in my life whose friendship I deeply valued, and it was important that he also acknowledge MY feelings on that matter.
I think not inviting her just because they dated ages ago seems silly, but that’s just me. it’s certainly worth having a discussion with your Fiance about so you can both share and understand each others feelings on the issue.
Post # 10
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
I think the main thing here is that you haven’t met her! I think this would be a different issue if you knew her. I agree that you will get a mixed response on this page…I, for example, would find it strange because I have never met SO’s ex and don’t fancy the first time we meet to be my wedding day. My sister, on the other hand, is friends with her ex and her husband and him are good friends too.
Is there a way you could meet her before the wedding? That might help.
Post # 11
Member
12308 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
There is no right or wrong policy when it comes to maintaining relationships with exes, or a philosophy of leaving the past in the past. What is important, however, is being on the same page.
Ten years or ten months, if thought of her being there makes you uncomfortable on your wedding day, that should be enough of a reason for Fiance to take your feelings into account.
If she doesn’t know you as a couple, I don’t know that it’s necessary to invite her regardless.
Post # 12
Member
2845 posts
Sugar bee
I personally would not want someone that my Fiance was romantically involved with at my wedding at all. Maybe I’m weird, maybe I’m a bit extreme but it would make me uncomfortable and I don’t want that on my wedding day. I don’t think there is any right or wrong answer here so you will need to discuss it with him. Go about it calmly and hopefully he will respond calmly.
Post # 13
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
It’d be a no from me. If they’re that close, you probably would have met her at some point during your relationship, even if it’s just a phone or Skype call. My fiance and I both have friends the other has never met in person, but they have had some kind of interaction.
I’m also very anti meeting exes. What’s the point? My fiance has wanted me to meet exes before, and both times I said “if your dick’s been in her hand, I have no desire to shake it.” He stopped asking after that.
Personally, I would not ever consider inviting an ex to a wedding, even ones that were a million years ago or that I’ve stayed friendly with. They don’t need an explanation – “you’re my ex and it’s my wedding” is a pretty common sense one.
Post # 14
Member
33 posts
Newbee
beesaredyingatanalarmingrate : “if your dick’s been in her hand, I have no desire to shake it.”
This is GOLD.
Post # 15
Member
33 posts
Newbee
Not so much weirded out that we haven’t met each other. With a bunch of far-flung friends and family, there are quite a few people on both our lists that are important but that the other person hasn’t met (for example, he’s never met one of bridesmaids).
And I guess ultimately I won’t really know how much it matters to him until I actually ask him. Will update when I do.
Member