- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
I’m really just venting here. I’ve expressed this to him before, but I don’t think he takes me seriously. He keeps saying I’m going to be an awesome mom and so I think he dismisses my fears bc he doesn’t share them, if that makes sense.
I am really terrified of having kids. I’m turning 30 in Aug (holy crap, that sounds so old) and Fiance and I are planning to honeymoon in Aug/Sept and he wants to start TTC on our honeymoon. We can’t really wait too long to start TTC bc I have PCOS and my sis had problems conceiving (she had to go on Chlomid, I believe) and I anticipate problems as well. We only want 2 kids of our own (and are talking about adoption/fostering a 3rd) and we want them about 2 years apart, so I think we have sort of “built in” a bit of a grace period with having some difficulty, just in case.
But I’m really scared of it. Aside from being pregnant, I think I’m going to break my child. Everyone says that’s impossible, but I don’t “get” kids. I can never understand them when they speak, I don’t really have anything in common with them, I don’t think they like me very much bc I’m never really open with them, I’m pretty sure that I will drop my baby at some point bc I don’t know what I’m doing, I would totally be the type to forget a baby feeding (although I guess they cry so I can’t really forget) and I don’t know anything about them. When do they start to eat real food? Walk? Talk? What should I be looking for to make sure they’re developing properly?
Just thinking about all this is giving me anxiety. I think it’s probably the hardest thing to do in the world is raise a child to be a normal, happy, healthy, successful adult. And I don’t know if I’m ready for all of it.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, I do – I just don’t want to mess my kid up lol – why aren’t there courses in school to learn about these things?! I’m a book-smart person, not common-sense-smart, if that makes sense. How do people know what’s right? What’s best? What’s wrong? What to do? What not to do? How do they know when they’re ready? Or do they just do it because the time is right?
That’s just my vent. FI’s response to all this is, “I know you’re going to make a great mom.” Great, how informative. I honestly think he thinks I’m going to have a kid and then turn into this superhuman woman. I just don’t think I have it in me. I can barely find time to work, cook, clean and workout. Not barely, I don’t. I don’t have time for it all. Where do people find time to have kids?!
/end freak out