(Closed) Fi wants to talk tonight about our “bedroom” problems…

posted 9 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 46
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I just wanted to say I second a lot of what the PP have said. I’ve scanned the comments but not read them all so I’m sorry if I give the same advice that someone else has already given.

This might be a little bit Too Much Information:

You said that sometimes when you feel the urge you “take care of things yourself”. Would it be possible for him to help you finish manually after he finishes when having sex? I know personally this happens to us sometimes, but just because he is finished doesn’t mean I have to be. I’m going to be brutally honest with you… the vibrating “toy” he bought me once quite a while ago was one of the best things that ever happened to us in the bedroom setting. It can help with foreplay or finishing up. I know it sounds embarrassing and weird but it might something worth looking into? 

Now I’m totally embarrassed that I just shared that with everyone Embarassed

Post # 47
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

@j_nicolle:  No need to feel embarassed 🙂 I totally agree.



Post # 49
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

While I do agree with PPs, I would like to add my two cents.

I know a few women that have had low sex drives and after having blood tests done were diagnosed with hormonal imbalances.

It might be something you want to look into.

Post # 50
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Darling Husband and I were in a situation similar to this. We’d been together 3+ years at the time and moved in together and went from an amazing, active sex life to an almost non-existant one. In the past I’d experienced drops in my libido which I think had to do with the BCP, but what we expereinced after moving in with one another wasn’t that. I think, for us at least, it’s always related to our mind-set at that point in time. During our dry spell, we were both super busy, weren’t as active/in shape as we’d usually be which lowered self-esteem, I felt under-appreciated, and we (especially myself) just let the daily grind get in the way of it.

The fact that your Fiance wants to talk about it is great, because good communication is a big part in getting through it. For us, knowing that we both wanted to be more intimate and missed it was a great starting point. It feels good to be on the same page. Our first step was making a deal that we needed to take “us” time each week. It wasn’t overwhelming to think we had to jump back into our usual daily/every second day routine, and even if it didn’t mean sex the intimacy of us time made us feel more connected. We started slow. It took work, it took a lot of effort on my part to clear my mind and just allow myself to live in that moment and with time we got back into the swing of things.

Now it feels just like it did when we first started out. Its great! So, whether it was the work we put into it, or just by chance that we’d gotten into a phase or funk…. don’t give up all hope!

Post # 51
26 posts

i hope i’m not out of line or anything, but you know that the more you ‘have fun with yourself’ the more your sex drive increases…

also, i think that you may just be stressing out WAY too much about this, and stress only makes things worse. why don’t you try getting in the mood with a nice bubble bath? this will help relax you and your guy can join

anyway good luck!

Post # 52
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

okay, I haven’t read the entire thread so I apologize if this has been said:


I’ve been on antidepressants/antianxiety meds in the past that REALLY wiped out my libido~is there a chance that could be making things worse?


I also know, as most people do, that stress is a HUGE sex drive killer…well, life in general. Sometimes my Fiance and joke about how we really shouldn’t have waited 7 years to get engaged…because while that was the responsible thing to do, it maybe isn’t the most passionate…sometimes we wish we would have been married while things were still fresh and fun and exciting…after you’re together that long…and live together for 2+ years…people start to just say you’re like an old married couple :/    


Is is possible you’re just completely run down? It’s only been a month since we got engaged and I”m worn out!! 


I also think it might just take a lot of communication on both your parts..to work out your bedroom details…the problems you were describing are things my Fiance and talk about whenever it came up back in the day. He worked on lasting longer and learned how to “please” me, etc…it took time but now after talking and figuring things out, we have a great system where we both are satisfied. Maybe a good talk would do it?

Post # 53
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I definitely recommend a lot of what the other bees have mentioned. One other thing to look into (sorry if this was already mentioned, I didn’t get to all of the replies) would be to have more ‘couple time’ that is not focused on (or leading to) sex. One thing that really makes us feel closer is to give massages. It doesn’t need to be sexual or get sexual, but just spending 5 or 10 minutes helping out the other while visiting with them and just focusing on one another really helps you bond (and you get the knots worked out!). You generally both feel better, more relaxed, and closer after the physical contact and the discussions you have. 

Post # 54
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

IDK if anyone has mentioned this, but most girls actually have a different pattern of arousal than men.  

Guys can be aroused by thoughts and whatnot, but many women are not actually aroused until foreplay or sexual acts are underway.  I felt a lot better after I learned this, and it helps when ‘I’m not in the mood’.  I kinda go along with things for a bit and then before I know it I’m just as turned on as he is.  

There’s a nifty little flow chart floating around the web somewhere but I can’t seem to find it…

Also there was a Glamour (?) article a while ago where a couple vowed to have sex everyday whether they wanted to or not and their sex drives went through the roof!

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