(Closed) FI went to a lawyer to draw up a Pre-Nup without me knowing…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Personally,. I would telling my Fiance exactly WHERE he could put that pre-nup. But hey, that’s how I am.

Post # 93
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

As a paralegal I’m going to play Devil’s Advocate here. Men are all about doing logical, sensible things to insure their future. Your Fiance is trying to protect himself (and perhaps you as well depending on the clauses contained in the pre-nuptial agreement) in the event that your relationship disintegrates. To him this seems like a normal thing to do (and if he has a decent amount of money, property, etc. it is).

In all likelihood his lawyer asked to meet with him alone as it is difficult to establish the terms of a pre-nuptial agreement that will protect a man’s (or woman’s) assets when their partner is there as they usually get offended by a clause and wheedle, beg and nag until they change it and then the lawyer isn’t comfortable executing it (as the pre-nuptial agreement wouldn’t be a reflection of their clients true intentions). Generally it is easier if pre-nuptial agreements and wills are not drafted as a couple in my experience.

I understand that you’re upset that he didn’t tell you (which is the only part here I would be upset about), but he was probably following legal advice NOT to tell you. Be happy he’s responsible enough to look towards the future and prepare for it!

Post # 95
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

View original reply
@CherryWaves I really think you handled the entire situation just like most anyone would have. 

I would have made the “leaving him” comment as well in anger had I been in your shoes. You can’t take it back but that’s ok because it shook him enough to make him understand how much his actions and words have hurt you.

I am so glad you guys are talking things out and have a better understanding of the motives involved. 

Lots of luck!!

Post # 96
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

View original reply
@CherryWaves

Does this lawyer represent both of you for any other legal matters? If not, he must really like you because that isn’t commonplace. Do you disagree with the agreements clauses, or just that he didn’t tell you? If it’s the clauses, they’re easy to re-write if your Fiance is willing to.

Post # 97
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’d also tell him that the workplace isn’t the place to spring things like this on you. 

Good luck!

Post # 99
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I initialted a pre-nup with my Fiance, not because we think we’ll get divorced, but so we can have control over what goes into our will’s at death, since out state has some laws about distribution that I disagree with.  It’s nice to avoid having your assets suffer the Estate Tax twice.

That being said, my Fiance and I discussed it many times because I wanted to be sure he wasn’t misinterpreting my intent.

While I don’t disagree with a prenump itself, your fiance should have discussed it with you further.  I know many states in the US require you to have at least 7-10 days to review it and so you have an opportunity to seek your own attorney(they don’t want someone to feel pressured).  They also REQUIRE full disclose of all assets and debts of both parties before you sign it, otherwise, you might have grounds to have it thrown out later.  He should not just have sprung this on you out of the blue like it was nothing, at the last minute.  He should have known it can be a touchy subject. I am sorry about the way he brought it up and the timing.

Because of the timing, I would read that thing with a fine toothed comb.  I would also consider not signing it until after the marriage…or at the very least, until after he has a serious discussion with you about why this is important to him, what his fears are, the extent of his assets and debts, and what he expected.  It’s one thing if he keeps everything he owned before marriage as seperate property, not to be divided at divorce/death.  It’s another thing if he keeps what he makes in the future, while married, as his own or if he has provissions saying in the event of divorce that he will not support you at all, even if he leaves you hanging.  After you talk, if he still wants the contract, get YOUR OWN lawyer.  Build in your own protections.

Post # 100
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@Crisark No!  That’s not okay that you would make the leaving comment in anger and have it be okay that you can’t take it back because it shook him up.  WOW!  Two wrongs do not make a right.  One day comments made in anger may bite you in -ss.

Post # 101
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

This is yours decision completely, but I would have left my husband had he done that. Lack of communication, not including me in decision, airing our personal buisness in public, coming into my work and embarassing me.. I could go on. For me it wouldn’t be about the prenup- in some cases they are necessary- it would be about not communicating/asking for my input.

 I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁

I recently took a look at my husband;s will and got incredibly pissed when I realized there was a clause that if we both die everything goes to his parents. I’ve never been so angry. He changed it immediately.

Post # 102
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

@Sunflower–girl I think it was an understandable emotional response. Saying, “this makes me question whether I want to marry you” is fair considering what he did.

Post # 103
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@Molly929  My problem is with the “I don’t care I can’t take it back but that’s okay” statment by @Crisark.

If a bee came on this website and said that in a fight, her Fiance made the leaving comment and then also said “I don’t care I can’t take it back because it shook you up”, how many other bees would start throwing up red flags??

Post # 104
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

@Sunflower–girl I think it’s bad thing to say if you don’t mean it. But from what I could tell from the OP’s posts, at the time she really was distraught enough by this situation that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go through with the wedding. And I can’t blame her.

Post # 105
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@Molly929  Again, my comment was directed at the comment made by @crisark, not the OP.  It was the attitude.  OP regrets saying it (I think).  @Crisark said it was okay because the end justifies the means.  Not okay to me.  

Post # 106
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ok…honestly, I think you need to find a way to move past this. YOU said…

So, I’m chalking this up to miscommunication and misunderstanding (funny, thats how all of our fights end up being about…) on both of our parts. I understand (to an extent) how his mind was working. Parts of it, were not, but we all make mistakes.

So if you can say that, then why still harping on this? If it’s not abot the prenup that you haven’t read yet why are you still so worked up about this? It sucks he didn’t talk to you. It sucks he made that comment but you made comments too. DOn’t let this ruin this special time.

The topic ‘FI went to a lawyer to draw up a Pre-Nup without me knowing…’ is closed to new replies.

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