(Closed) FI whining about sex, or lack thereof …

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I know my Fiance, whom I encourage to masturbate also, sometimes wishes we had more sex. He doesn’t enjoy it as much on his own and honestly is nearly as happy if I give him oral or even use my hands. You could see if this works for your Fiance, because it could be that he just wants to spend time intimately with you like mine does with me.

Post # 4
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I totally get being exhausted, it sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate!!

However, I think there’s more to this than him just needing a physical release. You said you’ve “always encouraged masturbation, so it’s not like he’s going completely without…” but it’s really not the same! Sex is often a way that men feel closer to their partners & maintain that intimacy. For women, it could just be a good conversation or a cuddle on the couch… men are wired differently though.

My Fiance did have one “demand” if you will… it was that I never stop doing one certain act because he claims thats why he’s marrying me. He was joking though… I hope! lol

Post # 5
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

If I were the Fiance in this scenario, I might be bummed to hear my attempt at communication characterized as whining!

It sounded to me like a genuine attempt to bring up a difficult topic?

Post # 6
Member
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Hm, I empathize with you that demanding schedules have a direct impact on sex lives!  When I’m working full time, the last thing I want to do at the end of the day is get frisky.  I wouldn’t take your FI’s comments as him wanting you to fulfill “wife duties”, but rather as a “hey, I miss you”.  Why not set up a date night for this weekend, just as a temporary fix?  And go from there….

Post # 7
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think he is raising this issue now because he is now thinking that the sex that he has with you is the only sex he will have for the rest of his life.  And if he isn’t happy with that amount now, that’s a problem because the frequency of sex a couple has is likely to to stay the same or decrease once they have been married for a long time and have kids who need a lot of time and attention.   I think you should discuss each of your individual needs in this area, and make sure that you are both happy with your sex life before you get married.  It is possible for couples to make compromises that they are both happy with – if one partner has a lower sex drive than the other, but frequent sex isn’t hugely important to the partner with the higher sex drive, they may be happily married forever.  But if a person resents the amount of sex he or she has before they are married, that resentment is likely to build and create cracks in the foundation of your marriage.  You are in a tough situation, since the last thing you want is to feel like you have to have sex, and are just doing it for him.  So you should think of situations or things he can do that increase your libido.  Are you more likely to have sex when you are on relaxing vacations?  After a bubble bath?  Try to think of what works for you and incorporate it into your life.

Post # 8
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

It sounds like he’s doing a good job of communicating with you politely. Isn’t that what we want from our guys? He’s expressing a reasonable concern about your relationship – it’s not about duty, it’s about loving each other. For a while my Fiance thought I didn’t really love him because we weren’t spending enough time in bed – he was genuinely hurt, and it wasn’t just a physical thing. I know grad school gets really overwhelming, but do try to commit to spending time being together, and not just in bed, but having dinner or going to a movie.

Post # 9
Member
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i completely empathize with you on this entire situation. Fiance and i both take turns being the “Exhausted” one… Fiance works longer hours… and i just have a lot to do outside of work (law school/errands for my parents – who don’t speak english/etc.).

in our relationship, I’VE been the one who brought this up to Fiance as a potential problem in the future… we’ve only been living together for 7 months, we’re not getting married for another 6, and we’re ALREADY having sex infrequently?

we’re talking through it, walking through it, and trying to find a balance between our crazy schedules, our lack of energy, and a healthy sex life.

Post # 10
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ok, this is obvioulsy a touchy subject.  I never really saw myself talking about this stuff on the internet but, here we go:

I totally empathize about being exhausted.  I just recently came to an end of my 65-70 hour work weeks, my Fiance is still doing them.  Time is hard to come by but the energy is even harder.  That being said, we realized that the lack of intimacy was effecting us emotionally and physically.  My Fiance explained to me that sex (to him and probably other men) is his way of showing his love, its a communication tool for him to express his feelings in a nonverbal way.  He feels closer when we’re intimate and that effects everything else.  We’re more patient with each other, we communicate more effectively, we’re more affectionate. 

I think your Fiance is struggling to articulate himself but he’s obviously not happy with the state of things as they are.  If you right it off as him just being horny (I’m not saying you are) he may feel neglected.  I don’t think it sounds like he’s just interested in SEX.  And without going into further details, this obviously won’t be good for your relationship if it persists.  This is an important issue in some relationships so definitely take it seriously. 

Post # 11
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I have to go with Mr. Bee on this one. I’d be upset if I were him to find out that my fiance feels like i’m whining when I’m trying to be open about our sex life. With that being said though: you need to stop, take a breath, and look at this from his point of veiw too. Chances are (or at leat I hope) is that sex is more then just doing the horizontal mambo for ya’ll. It’s probably a way to connect and show your love for one another. So you need to talk with him and try to find a balance in your life between spending time together intimately (even if that isn’t sexually), school, and work.

Post # 12
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Hmm, as a newly married couple, i can honestly say we don’t have a ton of sex. It’s probably not normal for a lot of people but it doesn’t seem to bug us! I work full time AND go to school and am exhausted during the week. This past weekend he had drill so he worked all day so it’s been longer than normal for us.

I don’t like having sex JUST for him so I understand you on that one. I have to want it, too. Otherwise i feel kinda dirty, just doing it to do it because he wants it, when my mind is floating to my notes that I should be thinking about or that test I have this week or my to-do list. I can’t just shut my brain off because it’s our 30 minute nookie time…sometimes life takes precedence. While your sex life should be important, too, sometimes there are temporary things going on that take priority. And I know life will always be like that, but still. Trust me, this whole work+school thing is temporary. Especially a desk job where falling asleep is just too damn easy.

We’re more weekend sexy kind of people. What’s prohibiting you guys from that? I can TOTALLY understand not having it DURING the week. For us, it just doesn’t happen. I don’t think we’ve had weekday sex since I started classes! I don’t get home til 7, make dinner, study, pass out. Literally, pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow. Sometimes we fool around but we don’t necessarily have sex. Do you at least fool around during the week? or is it literally sex he wants more of? Mine seems perfectly fine with getting some other action if it’s not sex! He’s very understanding (i also experience some pain about 50% of the time which makes me a little anxious about having sex–so I have to be in full relaxed mood…nice bath, a back rub, glass of wine, a good mood, otherwise it just compounds the biological issue–so basically it’s sort of a big event for us! ha!) but not pushy about it. He knows that me being in a good, relaxed mood makes for a better night, so to speak, and helps facilitate more sex. He’ll often pour ME a glass of wine without asking and just hand it to me. I always like wine =]. Would your Fiance being more romantic/helpful in that department to sort of, well, get your going, entice you to have sex more often? It’s hard to go from “busy all day, nonstop” to rolling into bed to “let’s get it on!”

But, really, if you’re busy during the week, what’s stopping you from it on the weekend? What are his expectations? twice a week? three?

Oh, also…is it possible he’s saying sex because he wants more intimacy in general? As in a non-sex way? Even when I study on the couch, I’ll sit with my feet on my husband sometimes or when I get up to get a glass of water, I’ll give him a quick kiss or something. When you study, are you shutting yourself off in another room or rushing through dinner so quickly he’s feeling neglected in MORE ways than just sex? It may be easier for him to say “i’m feeling neglected sexually” versus “i’m feeling neglected in all kinds of ways”. Just a thought. We may not have sex during the week, but we definitely fall asleep all snuggly. It makes us feel connected and intimate even if we don’t have the time/energy to necessarily have sex. Also–it’s kinda messy and I like to go to bed clean =P

Post # 13
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

A couple months ago Vogue did a really good article on this — couples are so exhausted by their lives that they just don’t have sex.

You’re likely tired during the weeks, but why not the weekends? That’s mostly how I operate.

Post # 14
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

One thing I’d ask is this – when you say he brought this up at night… were you lying in bed when he decided to start talking about it? I think bedtime is one of the worst times to bring up issues. Yes, I realize it’s the end of the day and when people are starting to unwind and need to get last minute things off their chest. That’s exactly why it’s the worst time – you are trying to unwind too. Perhaps it would be good to have a time of the day when you have talks about relationship concerns – the couple’s bed is a sacred space and shouldn’t be burdened with such things. You should probably sit down and have a discussion about what he feels he needs, what you feel you need, and realistic expectations. You two are most certainly not alone – I think we’ve all been there (and some of us are still there). 🙂

Bella

Post # 15
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think that the two of you should try to schedule sex.  I think it isn’t romantic but you two need that bonding in order to build your relationship.  Even if he is masterbating, he still wants to be with the person that he loves.  It doesn’t fill all of someone’s needs.

Post # 16
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think that your Fiance is completely reasonable – you should try to meet in the middle about this. We had a similar issue (but in reverse), and it’s hard to get through, but if you compromise, both of you will be happier. 

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