(Closed) Fi won't ask groomsmen

posted 4 years ago in Grooms/men
  • poll: What should I do?

    Leave it & just hope he asks soon.

    Take charge. Ask them myself.

    Nag, nag, nag

    Other. (Please comment)

  • Post # 18
    Member
    458 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    oh my  I had the same issue and Fiance said I was being a control freak!  We are getting married in August and he FINALLY asked 3 weeks ago!! Like are you kidding me!!!!

    Post # 19
    Member
    848 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @missrosemary  Men are procrastinators. Mine just asked at under 6 months. And all he’ll do is send out a text. Let him do it. If he doesn’t have them or doesn’t have them ready in time, he just doesn’t get groomsmen. lol. You can give friendly reminders like I did. But beyond that, he’s going to do what he wants to do and don’t assume you know which he will pick.

    Post # 20
    Member
    848 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @missrosemary  And you can still have bridesmaids without groomsmen. The parties also don’t have to be equal. You shouldn’t sacrifice your girls because of him.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1633 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    The fact that your Fiance has some high-maintenance ideas about suits/tuxes seems, to me, to be something you can put in the Not Your F-ing Problem file. If he waits to ask his GM’s and then has an issue getting his preferred suits, oh well. Lessons learned in adulting.

    If I were you, I wouldn’t touch the Groomsmen issue with a ten-foot pole. It’s entirely his territory. How would you feel if he were trying to manage your Bridesmaid or Best Man selection? It’s his call whom to ask to stand up for him, if he asks anyone at all. You can tell him, “Hey, I need to finalize the guest list by this date. Need to finalize seating chart by this date, just let me know what’s up.” And leave it.

    I understand there are divorced parents who don’t get along, but if you do want parents at your table and feel you should include them both, then I think they probably need to sack up and put their daughter’s wedding ahead of their personal issues. Or you can sit at a table with your BM’s and their SO’s/dates only and put your parents elsewhere, with grandparents and aunts/uncles or your siblings.

    Post # 22
    Member
    1017 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    My husband waited SO LONG to ask his groomsmen even though he knew who they’d be right away.  Who knows why, I didn’t care though, all I told him was that he better ask soon or he’s not going to have any because they might make other plans lol

    I didn’t really care if he had groomsmen or not, it was his decision.  I was only concerned because I knew he’d be disappointed if he didn’t have any.  But again, not my problem, I had so many other things to worry about

    Post # 23
    Member
    247 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    My fiancé kept avoiding it mainly because he didn’t want to burden anyone. We still have 8 months until we get married but we are doing so out of state and half his friends don’t live here so we wanted to make sure they had plenty of time to plan! He couldn’t figure out how to ask them so I offered a group on Facebook just to see who wanted to actually be in it and then he asked the third in person a few weeks ago. I know it took a lot of stress off of him because he didn’t want anyone to feel like they were obligated.

    Post # 24
    Member
    971 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    So, this was definitely something that became an issue in our wedding planning! He kept “meaning to ask” and he would “soon” and he’d make his decision about the last groomsman “soon”.  I had asked him once a week for like 4 weeks, and the last time he told me that, he also made a “nagging” reference, so I said okay, well, if they need to make travel arrangements you might want to ask soon.  

    Then I DROPPED it.  You will survive without knowing those details, yet.  But here’s my lesson learned/funny story..now.

    The horror story:  apparently when he finally called one of the guys to ask him to be IN the wedding, the guy heard “AT the wedding”.  

    I couldn’t figure out why he and his family were so flaky about coming for the rehearsal dinner and his wife even messaged me asking if they really needed to be there.  I was slightly offended at first, and told her “no, you’re welcome to come but if it’s not convenient, you certainly don’t have to”.  I thought it was all weird but had many other things on my mind and we had decided everything groomsman related was my fiance’s responsibilty.  Anyway, so the groomsman and his family ended up showing up for the dinner after the rehearsal (we’d decided he’d just gotten lost and didn’t make it for the rehearsal but no one could get ahold of him via cell)…

    So, at the dinner is where it all fell into place and was revealed that he had literally NO IDEA he was a groomsman.  He had to go buy a suit that next morning before the wedding!  Later he mentioned he had thought it was funny that my husband was trying to tell him what to wear to the wedding a couple months earlier!  (Okay, so now I’m starting to laugh at all this.  At the time I just had to choose to ignore it so I wouldn’t be stressed!) 

    So all that to say, let your fiance be responsible, but within a few weeks of the wedding, I’d suggest sitting him down and saying who’s in the party? what are they wearing?  did they confirm that with you and when? 

    And then maybe if you can, reach out to any SO’s or wives in a friendly way saying “hey as the bride I just want to check in and make sure you all know what our plans are for the members of the bridal party” and give them an overview of the rehearsal plans, a recap of clothing guidelines, etc.  If it had even occurred to me this was the scenario, I could have totally cleared things up with his wife before they came since she’d been so kindly messaging me trying to figure out what was going on. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    268 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    My fiance didn’t ask all of his groomsmen until like 2 months ago and our wedding is in August.  I just couldn’t understand, but he finally got around to it.  I would just kindly explain to him that his groomsmen need to know soon so they can plan on it!  That’s what I continued doing, and he finally got around to it.

    Post # 26
    Member
    652 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I say just have a talk with him and let him know that you are willing to help him figure things out with the groomsmen, but only if he says something by _____ (time you choose). If he doesn’t, he is on his own to figure everything out with them and all you will volunteer is an opinion on colors if need be. That’s it. Maybe he will finally stop slacking.

    Post # 27
    Member
    654 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    View original reply
    @missrosemary  I am kind of in the same situation. I have six bridesmaids and he only has 4 groomsman in mind and doesn’t have too many friends so he doesn’t know what to do about the other two open spots. Don’t nag him about it just casually bring it up have you thought about who you’re going to ask? Just bring it up ONE time then let if go for awhile, that’s what I did.

    Post # 28
    Member
    2179 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I think this is kind of typical.  The suit thing worries me though.  Are you guys going to pay for all of these custom suits?  If he is not comfortable asking them to be groomsmen how is he then going to tell them they need to buy custom suits? Are you sure he wants groomsmen?  Are you putting too much pressure on him to have say 4-6?  Maybe he wants less?

    Post # 29
    Member
    2668 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    I’m with PPs that you shouldn’t step in and ask for him – he could be having second thoughts, he could have decided not to ask someone after all, etc etc. I think what 

    View original reply
    @loz24 suggested is a great idea – tell him that you won’t be organising anything to do with the groomsmen and that this will be all on him. Perhaps this will get his butt into gear.

    I seem to be fortunate in that my Fiance asked his groomsmen at the same time I asked my bridesmaids, so there was no stress. I guess it helped that I asked my sister and he asked her long-term boyfriend (whom we consider our BIL), and I asked my best friend and he asked her boyfriend (who also happens to be one of FI’s best friends) – the couples were asked at the same time.

    Post # 30
    Member
    731 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    View original reply
    @missrosemary  this is his thing and his friends. Don’t meddle. He will have to deal with the consequences not you. Don’t meddle at all. Don’t nag. Your fi is an adult (I hope). Treat him like one.

    The topic ‘Fi won't ask groomsmen’ is closed to new replies.

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