Post # 1
So I’m a little annoyed right now with my Fiance and need to vent. I’ve always had my heart set on getting married at my church. It’s a goregeous 100 year old church with a huge organ and tons of stained glass. My one set of grandparents and my parents got married in that church. I was baptized and confirmed in that church! I admit, I don’t attend regularly anymore, but it’s still important to me to get married there.
Fiance is not religious at all, and I knew that from the get-go. My church though is very liberal and while the ceremony needs to contain Christian elements, mainly what the minister says needs to have some reference to God and we need to have at least one biblical reference, they have no problem if 1/2 of a couple, or even both people aren’t religious at all.
Fiance and I sat down with the minister the other day and went over some of FI’s concerns regarding him not being religious or wanting to make vows to God and the minister provided us with 4 ceremony programs saying we could cut bits out from the ones we don’t like and put in bits from the other ones.
I want to book our ceremony and reception venue before I go in for surgery on July 12, to at least get SOMETHING done. Fiance promised that he’d look over the ceremony programs before we visit the reception venue and he STILL hasn’t done it and now he’s saying he won’t have time to think about if he would be okay with a church wedding!
I’m willing to compromise and not have a church wedding if he is really against it, but I at least want him to seriously consider it and he’s not even doing that much. He said if I want to book anything on July 10 when we go check out the reception site that we just won’t do a church wedding at all. He’s had over a month to consider all this!
Any advice on how to get him to at least sit down and consider a church wedding? I get that it’s OUR wedding and not just my wedding and I’m not telling him we HAVE to have a church wedding, but I at least want him to consider it!
Post # 3
All I can say is that if he isn’t religious, and has no serious issues with religion, or firm beliefs etc, and he just doesn’t want to, for no good reason. He really needs to do this For YOU, not you compromising for him. You feel very strongly about it, and your feelings should be a priority over him just not feeling like reading the programs. If it was me, I would tell him I need 3 GOOD and valid reasons not to do it, or at the very least ONE! Otherwise, its important to you and he will just have to compromise on that.
Post # 4
Well there’s a chance he feels strongly about not having a church wedding. Obviously he needs to be a little better about communicating that though. OP I would take the intiative and put together some pieces that you feel would be the most appealing to him and see what he thinks. Since getting married in a church is important to you, make it easy for him to agree. If he doesn’t agree try to get him to pinpoint exactly what he is uncomfortable with.
Post # 5
As someone non-religious, a church wedding would be a deal breaker for me.
I think you might need to have a deeper conversation with him about the role religion will play in your lives. Have you discussed how you will raise children in the religious sense? Do you feel like “Oh, he’ll come around”, or do you respect his feelings and know that he won’t change? I feel like a lot of Christians assume the non-religious just “dpn’t understand yet” and assume we will come around to their side.
Post # 6
You might just have to go through the options with him and point out parts that you think could make him happy. I couldn’t get my husband to sit down and read through ceremony options until I just sat him down at the table with everything spread out in front of us.
I’m not religious at ALL and honestly it would have made me incredibly uncomfortable to have numerous God references and biblical texts being read during our wedding ceremony. Maybe that’s why he’s dragging his feet. If my husband had handed me 4 religious ceremonies to read through, I know I would have procrastinated. I’m not saying it’s the best way to handle things, but it’s probably what I would have done. Or maybe he thinks that it’s still over a year and a half away so he has plenty of time. Either way, a serious conversation probably needs to be had for you two to figure out how religion will play out in your lives.
Post # 7
@Natalieh86: This is fantastic advice.
OP, you and your Fiance need to really sit down and talk about your reasons behind wanting a church wedding and his reasons to NOT want one, and see if you can find some common ground. This could cause issues further down the line. You’ll eventually want to talk about whether you attend a church as a couple after the wedding, if you’ll have potential future children baptized, and if they will be brought up in a church. Religion is a contentious issue and it is best to get all your beliefe in the open prior to the wedding.
Post # 8
@MsJ2theZ: “All I can say is that if he isn’t religious, and has no serious issues with religion, or firm beliefs etc, and he just doesn’t want to, for no good reason.”
Um, not wanting to start your marriage off in a house of worship for something you firmly don’t beleive in is not “for no good reason”. People who are “not religious” are not apathetic or lacking anything. We have a firm belief in our own freedom from religion. That includes not going through the motions in a ceremony that we resent. I have big issues with the idea and traditions of organized religions. If the OP wants to have a healthy marriage, she needs to understand and respect her FI’s position, as it is just as valid as hers.
Post # 9
@MsJ2theZ: Why does her desire for a church wedding trump his desire NOT to have it at a church? They both need to compromise and find a way to make it work for both of them.
Post # 10
@crayfish: +1 to all of this.
Fiance was raised Catholic, and I told him a church wedding would be a dealbreaker for me. It is BOTH of our day, and should represent BOTH of us. A church wedding would make me extremely uncomfortable.
OP, I think if you really want to convince your Fiance your best bet would be to pick a ceremony and go over it with him. If he’s not interested in this I don’t think he’s going to take the initiative to do it himself. I think you will also probably have to compromise on a lot of the content. I hope you can come to an agreement you’r e both happy with 🙂
Post # 11
OP, I think your Fiance may not be neutral on the church wedding setup. If he has no preference, he would’ve let you do it, IMO.
Don’t get me wrong, (I am on the same boat as you btw) but if one of you is non-religious and prefers not to have religious ceremony, a non-religious ceremony would be a fair compromise.
My Fiance really don’t believe in GOD, period. And you know, if I had pushed him to have a Catholic wedding, it would’ve been a deal breaker.
That being said, I think instead of pursuading him to have a relgious wedding, talk to him to see how much he doesn’t want one. And at the same time, let him know how much it means to you. It’s all about communications. If he doesn’t have a preference then I think you get to pick. If he prefers not to, for whatever reason, then I think you should respect that as well.
Post # 12
Is there any way to make your own program FREE of religious references??
That’s the only way I’d ever even THINK of doing it in a church. It would also have to be a gorgeous church.
I’d sit down to have a great talk with him about where you both are spiritually.
Post # 13
PP are making valid points.
Have you thought about going through going through pre-cana(Catholic pre-marital counseling) or something similiar? I feel like your relationship would really benefit from this as issues like PP mentioned above will need to be discussed. Religion and beliefs are HUGE in people’s lives and if he is pushing talking about a church ceremony to the side imagine trying to discuss a baptism with him. You need to sit down and hash it out with him before you walk down any aisle.
I am not a huge church person, but I understand my husband and his family’s, my mom too for that matter, for us to be married in the church. We attended pre-cana. We definitely compromised on the ceremony. Garden wedding, one Bible reading, one Shakespeare reading, limited God talk but was mentioned, vow renewal in the church on our one year anniversary. Yay. I get to be a bride twice. 🙂
Post # 14
As I am non religous a church wedding would also be a deal breaker for me. If my Fiance was set on it though and it was really important I WOULD talk about it and consider it, but I would also expect him to understand my thoughts on it.
How do you want your future to be? Do you want to start going to church regularly? Maybe think about these things and it might help you decided if you want the church to remain part of your future as well or if you want to marry somewhere that means something to both of you.
Post # 15
Sounds like he isn’t considering it because his mind is made up about it. Fi and I are different religions and instead of incorporate both we are incorporating neither to keep it simple. I think if this was a dealbreaker for you it should have been thought about and discussed looong before now. Anyways, I don’t think you can force him to do it. Also, if you aren’t getting married until next December you still have quite a bit of time so maybe give him more time to think about it if he is willing. good luck with your surgery!
Post # 16
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Like you, my hometown church is GORGEOUS- Gothic style, 125+ years old, stained glass, the organ…also where I was baptized and confirmed. I always dreamed of getting married there.
But, logistically, it wasn’t going to work out. Wanting to have a short engagement meant limited reception choices, and I live an hour (without traffic) from my church. So we’re getting married on the water outside of an industrial museum, but with the ceremony straight from the hymnal.
In my case, having a religious ceremony was more important than having it IN the church-my minister is traveling for the ceremony. I think in your case, the ceremony SPACE is more important than the religious part of the ceremony, if I understand correctly. Maybe that’s not coming across to FI- maybe he’s focusing more on the religious aspects than what that physical building holds for you?